It’s time

10 March 2018

It’s been three months.

Life is starting to feel normal again. Not normal as in things are the same as they were before… But this new life that had to be forged… it feels normal now. The pain is mostly gone. The depression is out of the severe category. And to borrow a phrase from a show I’ve been marathoning, I’ve come to accept some of my “dark and twitsty”-ness of myself. I guess you can say I stopped mourning my former life, my former friends…

Therapy is helping. A lot. Medication is helping. A lot. I forced myself to move on with my life, and that, too, is helping. A lot. My family is helping, my cohorts at school are helping, my mentors, my cats, my friends… I survived this, but I didn’t get through it alone even if it felt that way sometimes.

These last few months I:

– (re)learned to forgive myself.

– unplugged from a lot of things, including also my gaming PC. I turned it off completely in December and it’s sat untouched since then. I’ve been using the time to focus on my wellbeing and also to focus on school. It was the best decision I’ve made lately.

– agreed to co-lead a panel and present at an academic conference this spring. The hotel is booked, travel authorization is requested, and transportation is sorted out. My paper, however… yeah… I really need to start that. (Whoops? I’ve got til late April. I’ll be ok. I have to be ok.)

– started reading my tarot cards again. I bought them over a year ago, but never made it a habit. It’s still not really, but that’s because for three weeks straight they gave me the same message. So I gave them a break so I could actually work on that item. I use tarot as a form of self reflection. And my deck is absolutely beautiful. The bigger problem is I’ve found a couple more beautiful decks and now I want them too.

– discovered a new hobby: jewelry making. This one is super recent. Like, yesterday. It’s taking a lot of restraint to not go out and buy more supplies and just make more necklaces for the rest of my waking hours.

– got to spend some quality time with family. We had a delayed holiday with my dad and sisters, but it was good getting to see everyone. It’s not easy trying to schedule 9 people to get together (not including those 12 and under, of which there are 4 now).

Other things that happened include trading my car in. I was hoping to sell the convertible this summer, but my mom found a Jeep she loves and so we used it as part of her downpayment for that, and I got her old car! It’s got more miles, but overall it’ll be a nice change and something to tide me over until I graduate (when I can get my own new car). On top of that I hit 30lbs lost since my surgery. Yes, just under half of that was from the depression when I stopped eating/was puking all the time, but you know what, I’m eating again and the weight continued to steadily go down — at a reasonable rate this time. And lastly, I’m doing really good work at my job. Tooting my own horn, it feels pretty great that things are going well there. That I made a good decision in this massive career-slash-life change.

It’s been three months.

It’s time. Time to continue moving forward.

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