and then everything changed.

So.  Life.  It happened.

March 20th — the day before Jaron’s birthday.  He calls my work, my cell, and leaves a text saying to talk to him as soon as possible.
I’m supposed to be hopping a train right after work and going to his place to celebrate with him and his friends…
… but that’s not what happened.

Jaron was breaking up with me.

I was in complete shock.  I could barely comprehend what was going on.  And I still had about 6 hours of work left.

He said we were in two different places, and wasn’t sure I was right for him in the long term.  It’d been not even two months.  I wasn’t thinking long term.  Yes, I said I loved him, but I didn’t expect that of him… I just wasn’t thinking of it ending.  But that’s what he wanted.  And he didn’t want me to come out for his birthday.  But we needed to talk more later.

So while he had fun with his friends, I was a wreck.  I instantly lost all appeal in food.  I could barely sleep.  That first night, I woke up, realized it wasn’t a dream, then proceeded to throw up.  I tried to tell myself that yes, this was over.  That I should have hope…  But I wanted that hope so badly.

I reached out to a very small handful of people.  I had a hard time wanting to admit what had happened.  My world had just been thrown around and I was lost.  I was shocked, hurt, and confused.  Part of me hated him because he got to celebrate, and I was torn apart.  So I sought out three wonderful and lovely ladies, and my work buddy Josh, for advice.  Do I fight?  Was this something I try to save?

All four came back with a resounding “no.”

“I know that you want it to work. I know you truly do care for him and in some way, love him. You shouldn’t be making excuses for yourself or trying to find a way to backtrack on your words. Do you really think you’ll be happy, always feeling like you can’t cross that line of seriousness? … You were incredibly happy. But things like this don’t just go away. I always don’t want you looking desperate for someone that doesn’t deserve you.”

“There is one form of love that never changes, no matter how hard you will it to–and that is unrequited love. No matter how many different ways you try and look at it, the bottom line is someone doesn’t want to be with you.  And so while you’re asking us “Should I fight for this relationship?” the real question you should be asking is “Why do I want to fight for someone who doesn’t want to be with me?”

“What are you fighting for?  Are you fighting for him?  Or are you fighting for something fun while having someone care for you?  Because I know that you can find a person who will care about you and treat you right, and not this silly guy who is too chicken to be honest about his feelings with you.”

“Boys are stupid. … Even if he was one in a million, that means there’s 7000 others.”

Jaron had spoke his peace.  He didn’t want to be with me.  And that was that.  I had tried to figure out what sort of love I had left for him… maybe I had just gotten caught up in all the love stories I was surrounded by, maybe I just wanted it to be love.  But regardless, I felt love for him.  That much is true.  And I’m tremendously sorry I doubted it or said I might not possibly mean it.

I had faced this head on, and decided that I could be okay with this.  I never wanted to lose him as a friend, because he had become a very important part of my life and I valued him so much.  It still won’t be the same.

So that my friends is what happened.  Why I needed to leave blogging for a while.  Putting this to words makes this real.  And that hurts.  Because even though I can accept that it’s over, this is still hard.  Especially when he does something sweet, possibly thinking I won’t notice — like last night… and it just reminds me about everything I love, yes love, in him.  He’s an amazing guy, despite how this all happened.  I still care about him a lot, still sad that this is over… but I will and am surviving and moving forward.

**I can seriously, STILL not say thank you enough to all those who have been there for me and supporting me.  (And can I say, I have the best best friend ever?  Lovely sent me cupcakes at work… then an amazing care package.  She’s amazing.)

Tagged as: break ups, dating, friends, I'm dating!, jaron, life, lovely anomaly, relationships (or lackthereof), support