Safe to say my appreciation for Bukowski and his works keeps growing. So much so that the lifestyle he writes of actually seems appealing. It’s always writing, gambling, sex, and drinking. It wasn’t problem free, but it was simpler and he got along pretty well.

I spent the last week mostly offline. I checked things, but as for myself, I chose to remain silent. A digital vow of silence, maybe. Mainly because I didn’t know what to say or how to say it. And though I definitely needed a distraction this past week (and still do), I decided it wouldn’t be from social media.

I started out by deciding I wasn’t going to eat myself into a stupor. Food wasn’t truly going to give me that feeling of fullness that I wanted, so I wasn’t going to go down that road. Plus, that weekend when I tried to eat, it just didn’t turn out so well―french fries were the only thing that was remotely appetizing (I took one bite of my gyro meat and had to put it away). A lot of people have been doing juice cleanses lately, and while I can’t shell out $225 just for 3 days of juice, I did find a local alternative that hasn’t been too bad price wise…

The colors are amazing, but I’ve got to say, I really do like that green juice―a raw “Greenberry” from Protein Bar, a mix of kale, apple, lime, and strawberry (I request no cilantro due to allergies). The carrot juice looked cool, but drinking a carrot just wasn’t my thing. My stomach’s still a bit on-and-off, but I’ve been doing better.

Another thing that’s helped is that I decided to buy a Nook Tablet on Tuesday after work. Glad that I stopped waiting around to get this―I’m damn near close to finishing my 4th book on it. (Finished all of the Hunger Games, now onto His Dark Materials―aka The Golden Compass.) It’s easier not thinking about what’s going on right now and the emotions I’m dealing with by just slipping away into literature. Children’s fantasy seems to be doing the trick nicely.

Ignoring the issue seems like the only option. I don’t really know how to talk about it, nor do I feel comfortable doing so in such a public manor. I’m not in a downward spiral of depression, but nor am I filled with joy and elation. A lot of times I just feel like I’m empty―just moving laterally. It’s neither happy or sad or angry… or anything really. I’m just moving from A hoping that I’ll find my way to B.

“Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I’m not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.” ― Charles Bukowski

I have a love-hate relationship with planning (and the phrase “I’ve got a lot on my mind”). I love it–it’s fun. But well, spontaneity and just going… awesome. Like many things, it’s all about balance.

I’m trying to figure out if I want to meet an upcoming application deadline. If I want to drop a lot of cash and go to Vegas with 59 other bloggers. Or if I want to drop cash and do a solo writing retreat in Baton Rouge. Or find someone to join me for a looong weekend of jazz (and some writing) in New Orleans. Oh. And I’m trying to decide if I want to stay in my current apartment, or switch to another in the building… or just go somewhere new.

We’re only 2 weeks into the year, and I already cannot wait to fill the pages of my new little planner*. Even if it’s the day after. Concerts and tours. Dinner dates. REAL dates. And a vacation of some sorts. And maybe even my surgery, assuming I still need it.

All of this is a little easier now. If you follow me on twitter or are a FB friend, then you already know this… but I was recently put on salary at work. Means I’m even more officially a staff member. It’s awesome. What’s more awesome is what it comes with: benefits. I now have health insurance. Not to mention paid sick days and vacation. I’m really enjoying my work, and I’m kind of rocking this job. My boss pointed out, after we shook on my new status, I’m less stressed. I’m hoping that’ll stay true for a while longer. In fact, I even told myself that tomorrow I’m going to have an “I can conquer the world!” attitude. Somedays you just need to tell yourself to be fearless, and then make it happen.

*As pretty as they are, I’m happy I saved my money and went with a whatever-brand planner from Target rather than get an Erin Condren one. Maybe one day.

It’s finally snowing in Chicago, and you know, I’m really kind of okay with that. This mild winter’s been nice–hey, more days to wear skirts! But yeah, I’m kind of ready for a little bit of a real winter.

It seems like every year in Chicago winter hits and people get all “OMG SNOW! ICE! THE WORLD IS ENDING!!”-sorts of stupid. Um. Hi. Welcome to Chicago. It snows here. And yes, it happens to get pretty toasty in the summer. As Steinomite has taught us: We actually have all 4 seasons. So again. Welcome to Chicago. It snows here.

So a few weeks ago, I found this post via twitter: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Chicago Winter by Confessions. There’s A LOT of good info, but I thought I’d share my own advice on getting through what some people say is the season that make people true Chicagoans.

First, Your legs: I choose not to drive and take the CTA, because of this I spend a fair bit of time outside. Not to mention, I still like walking places. Also, my office can vary in temperature quite a bit. Once it’s below freezing, I wear long underwear under my jeans. Jeans aren’t made super thick any more, so I need a little extra something. Tights or leggings work, but I really suggest thin, silky long underwear. I also tend to wear knee-high socks under my jeans, over the long underwear.

Your upper body: I’ve got camis (men, think a prettier and better named version of wife-beaters*) that I’ll wear under shirts and sweaters. I’ll wear a decent amount of cardigans still. Fleeces are good too, but I’m not a big fleece person. I don’t go do uber heavy sweaters because wearing that under a winter coat means dying of heat. I’ve got regular gloves, but I also have fingerless and arm warmers. I’ve definitely worn both of those, even together, while at the office. Also: it’s totally appropriate to wear your scarf inside. No jacket needed. But good gloves, with complete coverage is important.

On the topic of jackets and coats… Get one that covers your butt. I have a lot of coats, but three staples for the winter. The first is a wool-blend that’s lined. It’s nice, pretty, and light-ish weight. Anything 35-degrees and above (no snow). It goes past my waist of course. The second is my puffy coat. It’s nylon with a polyester liner. So it’s not completely waterproof, but it keeps me pretty much dry in snow. It’s got a fur lined hood and yep, covers my butt. Most importantly, it’s got good cuffs. So inside the sleeve is a knit cuff, sort of like a second sleeve that keeps the snow from getting in as well as protect my wrists from getting exposed. A good cuff is very important. Lastly, I have my OMG BLIZZARD coat. It’s an ankle-length coat that’s goose-down. It’s pretty much waterproof as well. Also has a good hood. The only thing I don’t like is it sucks interms of cuffs. Extending my arm means exposing my wrists.

Why am I so adamant about the butt coverage? Ice. Big puffy coats that cover your butt just give you a bit more cushion for if/when you fall. Also, it helps keep some air from sneaking up and getting your waist cold. (I’d also go for one that synchs.)  So. Coats. Remember: cuffs, butt, hood.

Your head: I’m done with winter beanies. Tiny knit caps that never really keep me warm. Once snow melts on them? Yeah. Done. Personally, I’m a fan of trapper hats. They’re warm and have flaps to cover your ears. Generally you can secure them under your chin. Mine’s fur lined (and actually fleece lined too). I’m more a fan of these types of hats, but just make sure the top of your head is completely covered AND your ears are covered. Whether this is a hat and ear muff combo or just a snazzy hat like mine, just make sure you’re covered.

Now, most importantly… Footwear: I’ve seen a lot of people make dumb winter footwear choices in this city. Hell. I’ve made them. (Sorry, but cloth boots in snow is not a good mix.) Personally, I always suggest boots that are at least mid-calf. If you’re walking around, eventually you’ll have to cross a street and you’ll get a nice mound of snow and slush to climb over. Mid-calf helps insure great coverage. I like going knee-high because it’s just that much more protection from the cold. (So between my boots and my coat, it’s only my thighs that are exposed.) Secondly, WATERPROOF. Get boots that will keep your feet dry. There’s always slush. Thirdly, TRACTION. These things are in all caps because they’re important. There’s a lot of ice. People are dumb and don’t take care of their sidewalks even though they’re supposed to. Give yourself every advantage you can to not fall. This year I’m investing in some good boots that’ll hopefully last a few years. (My Nike boots were awesome looking, but tore up my ankles, so those are dead to me.) Looking at Sorel boots now, which I’ll probably order from Zappos or REI just in case they don’t work out.

Just remember… Don’t worry how ridiculous you look. Bring a change of shoes or whatever to wear at work. Just be smart, and most importantly warm if you’re going to be outside. Others may laugh at you, but you can laugh at them for as they freeze.

Now that we’re done with getting you dress properly, later I’ll write about just general rules for surviving and dealing with winter itself.

*Hate the name “wife beater” all you want… I’m originally from Indiana and that’s what we call those tank tops on dude. Just kind of stuck now.

The water drinking is going pretty well. At work at least.

I’ve stopped buying my Teappuccinos from Argo (Rooibus with vanilla = best ever). I stopped drinking Sprites. Granted, at home, I drink a fair bit of Tang and Sierra Mist. And I just switched from cow’s milk to almond milk–but I haven’t started just drinking it. It’s the water at home thing that’s been hard. Even getting a nice new Bobble water bottle.

But I’m going to press on. It’s only day 9 in for this month’s changes. Yay hydration.

The 12 Changes thing has gotten the ball rolling with this whole “get healthy” thing. I bought Special K granola. And well, it’s awesome. Especially with the unsweetened vanilla almond milk. I bought salmon. Fresh zucchini and yellow squash. And I still have my stash of lima beans (holy crap, who knew I’d love lima beans). I’m excited about making some big steps towards healthy eating this year.

I don’t see myself ever being an uber crazy health nut. I still see massive double bacon cheeseburgers with cheese fries in my future. And hopefully gourmet donuts from Doughnut Vault. And cookies and chips. But, you know, I want to take care of myself and a big part of that is eating better. … and I’m starting with drinking water. I see a “no junk food” month happening sometime this year too. (But definitely not June–girl’s going to eat cake all month for my birthday.)

How’s the progress with your changes and/or resolutions?

Okay. So I want to start off by saying I’m doing better. I want to thank everyone for their support in response to my last post. But yeah, doing better.

Part of this whole “doing better” thing is because of some exciting things coming up.

Around New Years, I wrote down a list of things that I want to do, but for some fucking reason I’m not. Things that I’m holding myself back from doing, and there’s really no good reason. I stopped myself at 6. These things have been on my mind for a while–they didn’t cause my break down, but they certainly didn’t help a small part of it.

So, I’m deciding to tackle some things on that list. I’ll hopefully get to all of them, but well, decided that I’m definitely going to make some steps towards the first one. Write more. I’ve missed writing. And I didn’t get as far or involved as I would have liked with NaNoWriMo. So I’ve got some plan at which I’m going to be dedicating quite a bit of time to my writing. Like, most of my evenings for the next two years.

It seems crazy to be taking this on when I’ve got a lot on my plate this year. Season’s Geekings is going full force and launching soon with our Valentine’s cards. (In fact, we’re having our first company meeting. Over brunch, of course.) And of course, there’s a lot going on at my day job. Not to mention a new year of Mucca shows and other concerts I’m super excited about.

I’m not going to go on some spiel about how I’m never going to let things hold me back from what I want or give up on my dreams. Dudes. Things in life are scary, and I’m not always going to grow a pair and go for it. But not everything is worth beating yourself up over.

This new year has been exhausting so far. I don’t think I’ve gotten a good night’s sleep at all this week–well, I’ve had some super amazing/interesting dreams.* But there’s just been a lot going on so far. A lot to organize, and just a lot on my mind lately.

Last night I just broke down.

It was not my strongest, nor proudest moment. I realize everyone has their bad days, but this was Rini at 20 shades of overwhelmed. Last night was sort of one thing in particular that set it off, but it was built off the foundation of a handful of small stresses.

I’ve deleted about 20 paragraphs already. I don’t know how to talk about it. No one wants to admit that they’re weak or broken. When you open yourself up, you become vulnerable. It’s scary. It makes you feel more alone than anything else. But last night I was broken. It was rough. But last night doesn’t make me less of a person, as hard as it can be to believe at those times.

It’s going to take a while to work out what upset me so much last night. I will probably have more rough moments. But that’s just how it is. It sucks. I hate crying so hard I can’t breathe, feeling like you’re drowning. My chest still gets tight thinking about everything. Especially how low it hit last night. Last night I broke down. I’m not okay with it. But it happened.

*Not those kinds of dreams. But seriously, lucid dreaming like whoa. Sometimes like woe.

So. It may only be day 2 of the new year, but I learned some good lessons on NYE… Mainly, 4 bottles of champagne is a lot to drink–even if you are sharing them with an entire funk band. (Still not sure how I managed to get away without a hangover.)

Anyway. With it being 2012 it’s time to start of my 12 Months 12 Changes challenge. (Which, if you missed last time, each month we’re making a not so dramatic change, which by the end of the year will result in a dramatically different life.)

My January 2012: Drink More Water. (This is where I picture my friend Jacob applauding me and saying FINALLY.)

I like water, but well, I don’t really like drinking just plain water. People say it does have a taste, but you go out and grab a bottle of Deja Blue and compair it to Dasani. (Result: why do people drink Dasani?!) In the summer, yeah, I love really really really cold water, but I’ve been told that’s not good for you–or maybe it’s just not good for singers. I have no clue. Anyway. I don’t like water. It can taste funny and it just makes my stomach feel extremely heavy.

However, I realize regardless of that, I need to drink more. I drink a fair bit of teas and juices–and yes, at home I love me some Tang… but I don’t just drink water. The reason why I’m kicking off the year with this one? Because I want one full year of turning this into a habit. What’s the point of becoming more active or joining a sport if I don’t have a solid base of OMG NOT DEHYDRATING all the time? I sometimes joke that I’m in a constant state of mild dehydration, and I’ve done nothing about it. It seems like something small, but it’s time to make sure I don’t do some serious damage to my body by putting it at risk.

How am I going to make this happen? Besides the obvious of just DRINK MORE WATER, I want to make sure I get no less than 20-ounces. I realize that’s still less than I should be drinking, but I know if I set it to 32 right at the get go, I might just up and quit again. Plus, 32-ounces of water weighs a lot and that’s a pretty big water bottle to carry around. So I’m going to put my target gift card to good use and get a new bottle. (I’ll probably still use my vapur bottle, but sometimes that bag is hard to hold onto.) I figure a pretty new bottle that I’m excited about will make me want to use it more. We’ll see how that goes.

So, cheers to the new year! Are you participating in 12 Changes? Any goals or resolutions for the new year?

Last year I wrote some really vague statements about what I hoped for in 2011. Well, with such whatever statements, I basically had no real goals for the year–other than move back to Chicago*. 10 months into the year I decided I needed some actual goals and to start committing to me. I did well with some, okay with others, and just didn’t get anywhere with a few.

But, as we’re getting ready to start a new year, it’s time to think of goals and resolutions and all that stuff. I’ve never really been big on the idea of resolutions, which is strange because I’m really fond of the idea of committing to myself. Maybe it’s because there’s too much bad baggage with resolutions and failing them. But regardless, I like to progress and evolve as a person, so I’m continuing my commitment.

One large part is my participating in 12 Months 12 Changes**. Katherine gives a pretty good explanation of it on her blog, but basically each month you make one small change. By the end of the year, those changes become habit and before you know it you’ve got a whole new way of doing things and just almost a new life right in front of you. My changes include better eating/grocery shopping habits, being more physically active, being stricter about cleaning habits, reading more, drinking more water, and taking control of my finances. I’ve started dividing them into their months, but I want to give myself some freedom in it. I don’t want to overwhelm myself by tackling too many changes at once, but maybe I don’t want to wait 4 months before I start on XYZ. Each month I will commit to at least one change, but there’ll be flexibility.

I want the next year to be about purpose and investment. I don’t want to just waft through this next year. Having fun and enjoying life doesn’t mean being lackadaisical. I’m excited about this next year, and hoping it brings some truly exciting things.

*The company that just hired me folded, so I lost my job and ended up moving back to Indiana temporarily.
**12 Changes won’t be the only goal-oriented thing I’m doing next year, but it’s the only “programmed”/community-based one as of yet. 

You ever have those moments when all of your thoughts are bottlenecked around one? Yeah. That. So I’m hoping that maybe by writing about it, it’ll help unclog my brain tubes and I can have proper mental functioning abilities again.

So. I previously said something along the lines about how I’m not going to talk about boys or relationships online much any more… Well, part of that is because there hasn’t been much of anything to talk about. Holy hell has it been a dry spell for me. I’ve had one date this year, and yeah, just wasn’t going to happen (even if he wanted it–and by it I don’t mean a relationship). Last dude I kissed? Drunk. At a concert. Where I was thinking about making out with someone else. Only happened because we danced and he went in for it. Totally doesn’t count.

Anyway. Yeah. Dry spell.  … What the crap guys?

All I can think about is making out. My entire brain is traffic jammed around the single thought of making out. It’s been stuck like this all day, and honestly it’s been a slow clog building up over the weeks and months of non-making out times.

So, I either need to make out with someone or force my brain to be fixated on something else. Hoping that the holidays will distract me, but we’ll see. It’s a pretty nasty brain clog. Yeah. Not so awesome when you start thinking about making out with inappropriate people. Former instructor? Yep. Internet friend with a girlfriend? Oh yeah. Dude I actually like but won’t tell you about? Duh.

Insert loud frustrated dinosaur noises right here.

So. Attractive dudes. Who wants to make out?

So… a little known fact about me is that I have this secret ambition to be a dancer. It’s sort of a part of my not-so-secret ambition of being a rock star. (You know, more of a rock star than I already am.) But well, I’m actually a little awkwardly shy about dancing.*

Okay, I’m not really shy about dancing at Mucca shows. Mostly because I’ve known them for almost 4 years now… But also because I’m not really dancing as much as bouncing/bopping up and down. And half the time I’m too distracted to really dance about because, hey, it’s Mucca Pazza and they are crazy awesome (heavy on both the crazy and the awesome).

(photo by CB Lindsey)

Anyway. When it comes to me dancing…. DANCE EMERGENCY!**

So when CGC sent me a free copy of Just Dance 3 to review… I was excited. And nervous. But luckily I knew the only people I’d have to subject to my awkward dancing would be my cats, and their silent judgments don’t bother me. (And all I have to do is throw a mousy toy across the room and they’ll be distracted for.. well, a minute. They are cats after all.)

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WAS THINKING saying yes to this game. Don’t get me wrong. It’s fun. Really fun. But OHEMGEE did that game have me sweating and gyrating and flailing like a crazy lady. Seriously, check out the trailer:

There’s no warm up, you’re just thrown in. So it took me a little bit to get used to it. First thing I learned, wearing fleece pants, fuzzy sock-slippers, and a hoodie… not the smartest move unless you’re seriously looking to sweat off some pounds. Also those fuzzy sock-slippers + wood floors, not a good combination either. Since the Wii really only judges you based on where the Wiimote is, aka, it only cares where one hand is, I slowly only focused on the arm movements and didn’t really bother getting my legs into it much. (Which, if you’ve seen me dance anywhere, I’m one of those “feet planted in the ground for dear life” dancers anyway.)

After about 2 songs I quickly realized why people incorporate this game into their workout routines. It’s something I’m actually considering myself. A nice little workout and hey, maybe I’ll pick up some new moves too.

Thank you to Ubisoft for sponsoring this blog post. Please click here to learn more about Ubisoft. I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective. All opinions are my own.

*Unless you add in some liquid encouragement. Drunk girl can dance.
**If you’ve been to a Mucca show, you get this.
***Also, the entire time I played this game I was imagine myself/picturing Jessica (the middle cheerleader in the picture).
****Those two little Asian babies totally dance better than me.
*****Yes, that is an affiliates link for the game.

I just saw this video, and you know for a fact I’ll be downloading this tonight!