quixotic and the never ending battle.

22 January 2009

so the battle of the crush is on.  … yet again.  (I thought I was done with this?)

It’s a time when I find someone who fascinates me enough to want to get to know them, and then keep getting to know them.  And if these initial stages are done online, then the desire moves to meet in person.  If things go well, we chat, hit it off, enjoy each other’s company, and who knows maybe a relationship will form… or it might not, and just remain in the safe zone of friendship for however long.

All of this sounds redundant.  It is redundant.  It’s an almost endless cycle of doom and woe.  Okay, maybe a bit over dramatic.  There are indeed good times… but maybe it’s my angry uterus compounding with the now almost 4 years of singleness, but I can’t help be mildly cynical about the whole thing.  I meet boy, I like boy, brief moment of joy, and then things don’t work out.  And then I meet another boy… see, cycles.  Endless cycles.  DOOM AND WOE.

In all honesty.  I’m not all discomposed over a boy.  It’s the damn looming cycle.  And I thought I was out of it… still single, but out of it.  Okay with my situation and just enjoying things, and then BAM I realize I’m back in it again.  The frustrating this is all the contradictions.  Yes, I am okay being single.  Yes, I am enjoying things, life, whatever.  Yes, I wouldn’t mind starting a relationship at some point.  But when you’ve got people getting married and starting relationships around you, it gets dizzying and you think “yes, I would like that” — not necessarily the whole marrying thing though (not rushing that at all), but just being with some one.  I can definitely say that I do miss that companionship.  (… again, sounding redundant…  )

So where am I?  I’ve just recently begun talking with a young man whom I think is swell.  (And yes, this would be the gentleman I’ve referenced in some form or another in some previous posts…  … and he does indeed read this blog.  So.. um… hiiii….)  It’s the whole excitement of something new, which also leads to your brain turning into a terrible monster that makes you want to doubt any chance of anything good ever happening… I hate this monster.  I’d almost rather have the pink fluffy brain goo.  (Although the goo has caused the demise of its own fair share of crushes and infatuations… )

Anyway.  Young man, pretty swell, and I can only hope he thinks I’m pretty awesome too.  That’s where I’m at.

  • As you pointed out, I totally know what you mean. While I like the idea of liking someone special, I kinda hate crushes too, cause whoa boy, here comes the roller coaster cycle thing again.
    Anyways I hope things get better and that you maybe get to meet this boy 🙂

    • me too, in regards to meeting him. we’ll see. things are early on.. but I am enjoying the conversations and such.

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