deal breakers (or: you're hot, but what the f- is wrong with you?!)

12 February 2009

So.  This week I did a WTF report with the swell guy (something you can do over at okc).  Yes, you should be asking “What the frack is a WTF report??” … It basically compares your answers to the absurd questions on the site to his answers to the absurd questions — juxtaposing what you said and wanted with what he said and wanted.

First, a quick update for the curious who have been wondering (and asking) about what’s going on with this swell guy…
He and I talked a bit, and well, we feel like we’ve worked things out.  No, we’re not going to date.  The topic of us ever dating wasn’t even brought up.  Mostly it was working through both of us being okay with things — being okay with the friendship regardless of whatever attraction may or may not be there.
And we actually did get to talk some — not just text. It was good actually hearing his voice for the first time.

That’s a big thing for me — something that wasn’t asked in those absurd questions.  Being attracted to someone online is one thing, but their voice can make or break that.  Okay, so their tone and attitude offline effects this as well… but honestly, what the sound like when they talk can really change my mind.

This is what the WTF report is trying to get at — Deal breakers.  Of course, it gives you the option to change your answer, now that you’ve seen the other person’s.  Yep, cheating your way to a match.  (Okay, so it’s maybe only mildly cheating, whatevs.)  A lot of these incompatibilities are ridiculous.  Remember, absurd questions.

Take a look at one of mine with the swell guy’s….
Okay.  So personal hygiene is indeed important.  In some cases it can be a deal breaker.  But the fact that I don’t shower ever day, but I typically do, really won’t effect things.  I mean, the only days I don’t shower are when I’m in a freakish rush, or on days when I don’t plan on leaving my apartment/having anyone come over (those are also the days when getting dressed involves finding sweatpants or shorts and throwing on my robe).  One of the other ones we had similar to this was about a woman’s obligation to shave her legs… It’s a personal choice.  If I have reason to shave I will, those reason including but not limited to: dating/a boyfriend, weather (if it’s warm enough for a skirt or shorts, I’ll keep ’em smooth), and my personal whimsy (hey, I like smooth legs too — I don’t need to share them to appreciate them).

Here’s another:
With this one… I definitely like it when a guy treats me like a lady — opening doors, getting my chair and coat, flowers… But it’s not necessary, just appreciated.  Very, very appreciated.  And that guy will probably receive great thanks in some form or another… However, I think a guy should be okay if I want to do nice thinks like that too.  I’m allowed to hold a door for a man.  And I have.  I don’t like getting in a habit of expecting such treatment, the other person is just as important as I am and thus should have the door opened for them as well.

Now, here’s our biggest “deal breaker” according to okc:
I think this is similar to the chivalry thing.  I think it’s all fine and dandy if a man wants to provide.  But don’t expect me to just stay at home — unless that’s where I work.  I go stir crazy, and I’m not the type of person who enjoys looking after the home.  That’s a join responsibility.  So I plan on working.  I plan on earning money.  Now, if a man wants to provide enough that I’ll have the freedom to pursue my passions — that’s awesome.  I’d like to be able to do the same for him too.  He shouldn’t be tethered to a job just for some desire to let me do whatever while he keeps our bank account out of the red.  Unless this swell guy would have wanted me to stay home and be a housewife… (that’s SERIOUSLY jumping the gun there) then I don’t see it as a deal breaker.

None of these are deal breakers in my mind.  Especially not for a friendship.  However, what might not be an issue to me, might be to him.  Such as some of the ones regarding sexuality.  I personally have no problem dating a bisexual man.  I personally have yet to find a woman I’m attracted to enough to date, so I’m not going to even worry about that issue.  The swell guy might not be so open.  In fact, I really don’t know where he stands on the “issue” of homosexuality (issue in quotations because it’s not an issue — in my mind at least).  Maybe he’s homophobic, in which case, we probably would have issues.  I’ve got gay, lesbian, and bisexual friends.  And I don’t see that changing.  So that could be a deal breaker for this non-relationship.

So with the WTF report, and then talking with my friend Larry about hearing someone’s voice… I started thinking.. what are my deal breakers?  What are things that I just won’t stand for in a relationship?  Where am I flexible?  Does having this list help or hinder me in my search for a relationship?  (I’m using search loosely — as I’m really just sort of ready to stop looking and just be found.)

Here’s a short list:

  • Absolutely no tolerance for other beliefs, cultures, or races
  • Has major issues and incompatibilities with my friends/social group
  • someone who just cannot tolerate, understand, or appreciate my family and my relationship with them
  • anyone who thinks God said women are lesser beings…
  • Homophobes.  I can be understanding if you’re just uncomfortable with it.. but if you can’t move past it, we’ll have issues.
  • severe cat allergies. Like, being-near-a-cat-will-kill-you-allergies…

So… I’m curious.  Deeply and sincerely curious.  What are some of your deal breakers???

  • megan

    dealbreakers..yes, definitely a person who has any sort of intolerance for women’s rights, GLBT rights, has no concept of what it means to be part of a global community, not to mention an equal partnership, and f(rigidly) religious. also agree about the family bit.

    on a more shallow level, has no sense of silly humor and thinks coldplay is the voice of the people.

  • Yeah, being able to tolerate someone’s sense of humor is important. It’s annoying to deal with someone (or you) constantly saying “I’m joking”….

    One thing Weiss mentioned a while ago was that if you have similar cleaning habits (and not just in grooming, but also in how tidy or not you keep your living space) and you enjoy sleeping with them, then it’s probably a decent match/will work out.

  • Deal breaker for me would definitely have to be a woman who belive the man is the sole bread winner.

    Uneducated woman
    A woman who think she is the boss in the relationship
    Someone who is all about self
    Bad breath!!!!!!!!!
    Cheap!!!!

    The list goes on but I will keep it short, this post makes me want to write one similar.

    Good job

  • Thanks!

    I agree that equal partnership is important in healthy relationships. It’s up there with communication.

  • The Great List:
    Needy/Demanding
    No Desire to Learn/Work
    Closed Minded
    Lack of Humor
    Bar Gal
    Rude

    I agree with it being an interesting post. When I feel the drive to finish the mechanics on my blog, perhaps I’ll put up something similar as well.

    • Yeah, it’s been an interesting topic to think about. Most of the time we talk about what we want — those long lists of qualifications… but we don’t really think about things we don’t want… I think it’s just as important to consider.

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