dating – I'm still trying (or: explaining Dani's two call rule)

When it comes to dating (not necessarily relationships) and pursuing people, I’ve had some interesting experiences since my last relationship (which ended 4 years ago).  For a while, I wasn’t ready to date again — not necessarily because I was “so heart broken” but because of some other life events as well.  However, when I was ready to start looking again, it seemed I just didn’t have any luck.

I’ve had guys interested in me, and I’ve gone out on dates, but nothing’s really panned out (as you’ve probably already noticed).  It wasn’t really for lack of trying either — which, honestly, probably hurt me more than it helped.

I am a semi-aggressive woman when it comes to dating.  I’m okay taking the lead and asking someone out or giving my number to someone.  Hell, I’ve even included it in my tip before at a restaurant or just taken the guy’s phone and programmed it in.  Granted in most cases, I’m pretty sure that they dude has at least some interest in me, even if it’s just for the moment.

However, when it comes to longevity, or even just getting a second date… Basically you can just stamp a big ol’ FAIL on my dating file.  I just haven’t found someone who’s connected with me enough, has been interested in me enough, to stick around.  Now, normally this is where, for many women, we insert the long, whiny, emo rant about how nobody loves us and how we can’t understand because we’re not “unattractive” but apparently we aren’t enough.. blah blah BLAH.  It’s bullshit and that’s all there is.

My friend Dani has a rule, a Two Call Rule.  Granted it was established before cell phones were the norm — which, hey, really wasn’t all that long ago… I got my first cell, which I shared with my mom, when I started driving.  Anyway.  Dani’s rule is simple.  She calls twice, and if she doesn’t get a response, she moves on.  When you had to sit around the house, waiting for someone to call your land-line, you really had to establish some ground rules otherwise you’d never leave your house.  Dani would make two attempts to connect with the guy, and if he didn’t respond, then that was it.  It’s pretty fair really, even with today’s connectivity.

While I’m not the absolute best at following it — I have a bad habit of thinking the best of people and making excuses for why they haven’t gotten in touch — I do follow it myself to some extent.  I’ll try a couple times to get in touch with a guy, and if he doesn’t respond or doesn’t make any indication that he actually wants to hang out, then all I really can do is just leave it be.  As Dani’s mentioned to me a couple times, if a guy’s interested he’ll let you know.  He’ll make an effort to get a hold of you.  Anything less and it’s not worth it.

From the other side, as I mentioned, I’m a semi-aggressive woman.  More often than not, I’ll let a guy know I’m interested.  I don’t feel that it’s all on the guy to do every bit of the pursuing — however, I do feel that I should be pursued to some extent.  Mutual pursuing.  If I’m going to make an effort, you should too — assuming you’re interested.  David, from The Rest is Still Unwritten, has some decent advice in his post “Love in the Digital Age“.

So, for those at home keeping score:

  • The swell guy and I have not, and will not date.  Even though he’s moving and will be living decently close to my mom’s, it’s just not going to happen.  He is still a good friend though, and hot.  Hot friends are good, right?
  • The guy I didn’t really talk about, and never created a nickname for, who lives in my new neighborhood… well, after dropping off all contact with me for a long time, he finally IMed me, but hasn’t responded since.
  • The virginian and I went from casually dating, to not talking, to friends.  It all worked out in the end.
  • Sweaterboy has stopped talking to me.  Never called back.
  • Sebby wants to declare his undying love for me, but is just too shy…
  • My bandmate is just that, my bandmate.  Just a friend I see every so often whom I happened to make out with (and then get attacked by a post-make out pink fluffy brain goo high)…

And where does that leave me know?  Still single, really.  It’s not a negative thing, it’s just a fact.  I’m one hell of a woman, and though rejection may suck, it’s not the end of the world.