and breathe… seriously… breathe.

7 July 2009

I don’t know when there has been a time in my life when I haven’t felt like I have a million things going on at once. Honestly, I do like keeping busy, having a lot on my plate… It’s why I worked 3 part-times jobs, worked for the newspaper, radio station, and helped around with miscellaneous other groups, all while maintaining a full class load during college. That was good busy with good stress. I could handle all of that. And honestly, it was fun. I still had a social life on top of everything!

But now, it’s one of those “what’s going on with my life?” moments.  Is this what I truly want?  Then I think back to the last year.  My slow decline that eventually because a very rapid downward spiral.  I saught help, and was actively working to better my situation.  It just wasn’t enough.  How long can you go on just tolerating things?  How long can you be chained to your “obligations” and deny the potential that’s out there waiting for you?

Not-to-mention the whole pink fluffy brain goo mess.  Yep, my mind’s getting the best of me as I’m just trying to take things as they come and enjoy the experience of getting to know someone.  It can be hard, especially when your mind’s telling you how much you like this person, that you can take down your profiles and stop the search — but well, what if he hasn’t?  Nasty thoughts like those are trying to pop into my head and I feel like I’m playing whack-a-mole with reason & brain goo.

I think I had about 3 or 4 people telling me to calm the ef down yesterday.  (And thank you…)  I’m letting my mind get the best of me.  In one of the aforementioned situations, I’m taking action.  I’m making a jump and taking a risk that I’ve just got to trust will pay off in the end.  In the other… well, dealing with Pink Fluffy Brain Goo is never easy.  I just need to keep myself grounded.  I might get hurt in the end, but I put myself out there.  I know the risk going into this.  I know what it’s like to get rejected.  Again.  … I’m still trying though.

I feel like I’m on the edge, staring down into this hazy abiss, and some strange excitement comes over me and just whispers jump….

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