the missing peace*

17 August 2009

Continuing with the relationship thing…  I’ve come to a few conclusions.

I’m perfectly OK being single.
Being in a relationship does not change my self worth.  It does not necessarily make me a better person.  And it won’t necessarily make me a happier person either.  Some people can live an amazing part of their adult lives on their own without a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse (recognized by the government or not)…

However, it is not very common for someone to go that very large part of the lives without some sort of life partner(s)… At least in my opinion.

We’re social creatures.  Communication is an important to our species.  Honestly, I can’t think of any other animal that their mouth’s primary design isn’t for consumption of food but rather for talking.  (I’ve got my linguistic professor, Skip, to thank for that little tidbit of knowledge.)

It’s not necessarily the having a boyfriend thing I miss, it’s having a companion.  I want the person I’m dating to be a good friend, if not my best friend.  I want them to be there enjoying life with me.  Or as I’ve put it a few times, a best friend I get to make out (and other things) with.

As it stands now, I’m living by myself and I don’t get to spend all the much time (offline) with my friends.  I have a social life, but I’m missing that companionship.  When I’m occupying my time with friends, and having people I can still hug on and whatnot, I tend to forget about wanting to date.  It’s still on the back of my mind, but really at that point I’m just missing the making out and other things.  Those things are nice, but they aren’t the point of being in a relationship.

I think that’s why I’m allowing myself to go through all this craziness.  I’m just hoping that at the end of all of this, I’ll get that friend that I want to spend the here and now with… and just maybe my tomorrows too.

*The Missing Peace is actually the title of one of my history books from college.  And while a companion (boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse or other) won’t make me a complete person, there is no “better half”… there is a sort of peace that comes from being with such a person.

  • Here’s the way I look at it. Some people are in relationships and miserable purely because they are afraid of being alone. Then there’s the alternative: Being alone temporarily, but happy, learning new things, loving life, spending more time with your friends, etc…

    You will find the right guy (I’m sure of it!) but until then it’s best to just focus on YOU. Making YOU happy. Creating new experiences and success for yourself.

    From trial and error, I’ve found that if you’re not happy with yourself, you can’t be happy with someone else.

  • I totally agree, if you’re looking for another person to give you your happiness its only going to end in tears.

    • And of course I agree with both of you… Like I said, being in a relationship won’t make me happier, nor necessarily a better person. But I still believe that companionship is important, be it in a relationship or in friendship.

  • CMigs

    I agree with Jill and Leah. Being alone for an extended period of time can be painful, but it can often give you the chance to focus on yourself, develop your interests, travel, and solidify your confidence in your ability to be self-sufficient. I completely understand the frustration with not being able to find a companion. When I look back on the periods of time when I felt sorta desperate, I think that sense of desperation made me settle for people with whom I little in common, and who didn’t treat me well.

  • I think you have a good outlook. Personally, I believe that your 20s are for figuring out yourself whether that be in a relationship or out of one. Like, I’d much rather be alone than dating some guy I only kinda have feelings for but I know many women who feel the opposite. I think if you’re honest with yourself and trusting your gut and evolving you’ll be just fine, no matter how many guys come and go 🙂

    • Thanks 🙂

      I think one of the things that sort of makes us anxious and want to hurry the process is all the other things we want to do in life… The fact that in the next summer or two I’m going to be looking into the adoption and foster parenting process kind of makes me nervous. How do I know I’ll find someone who wants to be with me who also has a similar goal — or is okay supporting me in this goal?? But honestly, I think that my desires to give a child a home, a family, is stronger than wanting to date. So I should just go with it and if someone wants to be a part of this, then WOOHOO! 🙂

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