what is one day? (I don't want tomorrow to happen.)

4 October 2009

I can’t do it…. I thought I’d be okay, but I can’t do it.

I’m about two steps from loosing it completely…

I just don’t want to acknowledge tomorrow.  I want to hide under the covers, knock myself out with whatever I can, and just wait until October 6th — because surely everything will be better the day after.

In the end, what is one day?

There’s just so many emotions wrapped up in all of this.  It’s more than just missing her and the fact that she’s gone.  It’s the fear of losing others, the fear of how I’m going to go.  It’s the loneliness and longing to be loved.  It’s the empathy for all the pain my father and my sisters must be going through, for what my brother is going through…  That I wasn’t there, that I didn’t go see her more that last year.  That I can’t reconcile that I still have and love my mom, and I that I do feel blessed to have my stepmom in my life, but yet I’ve still lost a parent, I’ve lost a mom.

Tomorrow is a painful scar on my calendar.  That three years out, I can’t accept that this is something you cannot get over.  That I’ll never stop crying.

There is so much in these tears.  There is just too much weight held in this one day.  Too much carried over from all these other issues.  I don’t want tomorrow to happen.  I don’t want to deal with the fact that tomorrow happened three years ago.

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