falling apart. slowly.

21 December 2009

I can’t tell if it’s the disrupted sleep, the holiday shoppers, the constantly on my feet thing, the pain in my back and neck and arms and ankles, the cold that finally hit that’s leaving me mildly stuffed up, or….  … all of the above.  But I’m falling apart.

It’s not an overwhelming breakdown.  It’s just that pieces of me keep getting worn off, knocked off, hacked off… and there’s just less and less of me able to deal with everything else.

Last year at this time I was a wreck.  I was depressed to the point I was seeing a professional and dreading every weekday morning.  I was one step shy of taking another pill to just make sure I could handle the day-to-day.  Small things would make me cry.

Yesterday I almost cried at work.  I had made a mistake, embarrassed myself, and subsequently wanted to crawl into small cave and just hide for a while.  I was able to keep myself together for the moment, but I’m afraid that before this holiday season is over (there’s four days including today) I will indeed cry at work.  Which isn’t the end of the world…

I’m trying hard to prove myself there.  I’m the new girl, lowest on the totem pole.  I want to show that I’m a great worker, that yes I really do enjoy this job.  That I can hopefully prove myself valuable enough that maybe I could get a raise.  But I am afraid that maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself.

Add in some financial stress and just being physically exhausted and sore…. and I still have to navigate the trains to get back to Indiana on Christmas Eve.  I’m just trying to hold it together until I can get to my folks’.

How are you doing this holiday season?

  • CMigs

    Well, I don’t go home on the holidays, becuz my family just stresses me out more and is not a source of support. That is hard, and people don’t understand my decision, but it is the best one I can make.

    I would say you’re right not to put too much pressure on yourself. Try to keep things simple and don’t have high expectations. Just put one foot in front of the other. Go to work, do your job, and take care of yourself. Maybe don’t pressure yourself to be in a relationship. In times of high stress, make sure you’re your number one priority.

  • Would you stab me if I told you I’m doing awesome this holiday season?

  • susie inverso

    i’ve cried at my job before, and i’m on the high end of the totem pole having been there 11 years. it still happens. just hold it in until you’re alone in the bathroom, then let it out, you’ll feel better.

    and remember, mistakes aren’t embarrassing, they’re just mistakes. No one died. You learn from it, you move on. The witnesses of the mistake will forget, and forgive, and i guarantee you that they’ve made mistakes, too.

    You’re totally human.

    • Thanks ladies for your support! 🙂

      Each day I remind myself “only XX more days before I’m home” and now I’m reminding myself it’s only 8 hour days, that 12-8 is a lot better than 10-8. (On Christmas Eve it’s 9-4.) I remind myself that it’s just one day at a time, and that after whatever may have happened it’s done and over.

      Overall I think I’m doing well. 🙂

      CMigs – remember how I was just letting things happen and being open to whatever came my way?? Ha. Yea.. I’ve got news. 🙂 Very Happy News.

      Jaime – now you HAVE to tell me.

      Susie – luckily it was right before I was moving some stuffed animals to our window display. So I got to hug some large teddy bears for a bit, which helped. My boss sent away the one person who would have made me feel like shit about it, and the two remaining people (my boss included) were really good about refocusing my emotions and attention.

  • boo to feeling crappy. i wouldn’t worry too much about work. you seem to be doing a great job so far, and you’ll get enough pressure from customers as it is. keep doing what you’re doing; don’t worry about making mistakes. you’re still learning, and your coworkers are there to support you 🙂 good luck dealing with everything before your vacation starts

    • Thanks Michelle!

  • I’m realizing how distant I’ve become from everyone I love. Yay!

    • aww… McBastard. STOP BEING ANTISOCIAL. or asocial even.

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