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26 April 2010

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  • I think you need to figure out yourself before you try and find someone who gets you. It may sound trite, but looking for external validation is a clue that we don’t feel “enough” without it.
    .-= therapeutic ramblings´s last blog ..What Every Man Should Know By 30, Part 3 =-.

    • Erini

      I get what you’re saying… But I don’t need to figure myself out. I know who I am and am proud and okay with all of it, flaws and all.

      Speak to someone like Lovely — and maybe I’m wrong — but I think I’m doing pretty damn well for myself. 🙂 I spend a lot of time and thought on myself and have a pretty damn healthy self-esteem and self-image.

      • Couple things, and it’s kind of in response to the first commenter and you, Erini.

        1) Lots of people, including you, are constantly changing and in flux. Personalities don’t typically change, but they are frequently modified and augmented due to Life.

        So, it is possible to be happy with how you are *at this moment*, but if you have “figured yourself out”, then you are probably static and ossifying. You don’t strike me as that kind of person. Thus, consider that your needs are constantly resolving themselves, and that’s what the relationships are about.

        2) Do you actually feel bad about having a series of relationships, or do you feel bad about what you think that says about you, or do you feel bad because of what you think *other* people might think, or are you just frustrated that you’ve had the string in the first place?

        There is no Gold Standard of dating. There are lots of movies and television shows that say how it’s supposed to work, and lots of assumptions that you probably internalized about what’s “right” for relationships. It’s all kind of crap, really.

        There really aren’t any “best practices”, IMHO. There are tricks if you want to treat it like a game. There are advice columnists if you want to short-circuit experience by reading other people’s stories. But in the end you have to try things out for yourself. Which kind of sucks, but it’s really the way everyone has to do it.

        I guess my main question is: what is actually making you unhappy? Were these not fun times? Did you not enjoy the making out? Did you have anything from any of the relationships that you can carry forward? Perhaps the last bit is the most important.

        Sorry for the unsolicited advice. I hate it, personally. I just felt compelled to offer my two cents in the hopes that it might reframe the situation a bit.
        .-= Jonathan Warner´s last blog ..Acceptance =-.

        • Erini

          Wow. There’s a lot in here to respond to.. 🙂

          Overall, yes, I am indeed pretty damn happy with myself and my life. True, there are things I’d change, but well, I’m working on that. I’m not set in stone, nor are my goals, ambitions or anything else really.

          I think what made me unhappy was just realizing there’s this group perspective of me, that wasn’t all that positive in my eyes, that I was completely unaware of. That caught me off guard. Add in the whole being in physical pain is making me a very unpleasant person.. and yeah. My attitude wasn’t really rockin’ yesterday.

          I do have fun dating. I do enjoy making out. And I definitely have learned things from all these various exploits that I’m carrying forward. Knowing what to watch for and whatnot. People are so different in the tiniest ways that it can take some time to know if something’s going to work.

          … But I totally get where my friends’ concern is coming from. I do indeed fall hard and fast. However, I can 100% say that I have only told two guys that I loved them. And I did to some degree of love. Also, like I mention previously — I do fall hard and fast with almost everything in life. You should hear me when I get an idea.. like, I go full out on it. I have business plans scattered through out numerous notebooks.

          Lastly, I think that I got over Jaron so quickly is also what’s concerning people. I said I loved him. And I did. I saw that awesomeness that’s in him, but well, yeah, it didn’t work out. It hurt, but deep down I knew there was nothing I could do but move on. I had that “ah-ha” moment and turned the page. Here I am now. 🙂

          • Well good. Your friends are speaking from a position of compassion and love, and while they’re good for giving the outside perspective, it’s really you who has to make the determination of what is good for you at a particular time.

            And you know what, sometimes your feelings just change. I clearly remember falling asleep deeply feeling for a particular girl, and waking up the next morning feeling absolutely nothing for her. To reiterate my original comment: there’s no canonical “this is how it’s done” — that includes breakups 🙂
            .-= Jonathan Warner´s last blog ..Acceptance =-.

            • Erini

              Well spoken. err… written. 🙂

  • Before I “settled down” with Andrew, I went on a trillion dates. Made some “bad decisions” and got excited about every dude. So, no judgment here. You need to do what works for you. And while yeah, I do agree that the only way we can really be happy is when we first love ourselves, just because you date a lot doesn’t mean that you don’t love yourself…it means you’re dating. Just be careful with your heart, sweets. I don’t want some jerk-off shattering it.

    • Erini

      Thanks Amy. 🙂 I think part of why I do attract a variety of guys is because of my attitude more so than my looks. I’m a happy chick and it shows. 🙂

      Definitely agree about guarding the heart. It’s got some battle scars, and while I don’t want it to be under lock & key, it does have a bit of a… curfew? I guess…

  • Be excited, take your time, enjoy the ride! There’s a lid for every pot. 🙂
    .-= molly´s last blog ..slacker sunday: brain. =-.

  • I say this because I care. You fall hard and you fall fast. I think people just worry that you put your all into someone rather quickly and they don’t want to see you get hurt.

    Therapeutic Rambling has a point. You do seem to have a great handle on who you are, but maybe you need to take some time to really figure out what it is YOU need in a relationship. Figure out what you’re willing and unwilling to compromise. Obviously something isn’t working and I hate to see you break your own heart. Again, I only want to see you happy.
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..I suck at being a girl =-.

    • Erini

      I know you’re coming from a caring place.

      I do fall fast and hard… but I do such in every aspect of my life. Hence why my mom thought I changed my major every week — when really I’d just get excited about a new subject.

      For the most part, when I’ve found that I can’t really figure out what I do and don’t want in relationship until I give it a try. If it turns out it’s not something I want, I admit it, and go forward. Or at least do so as best as possible.

      • Trust your instincts. That’s the best advice I can offer (even if it is unsolicited :D)
        .-= Jenn´s last blog ..I suck at being a girl =-.

  • for me, it seems you jump from loving someone to being over him in just weeks. it’s hard to keep up most times 🙂 as long as you’re happy, go with it
    .-= michelle´s last blog ..look at me =-.

    • Erini

      It took a lot of concentrated effort and support from friends to be able to move on at all. The fact that it happened so quickly wasn’t expected. But it was just a case of this isn’t going to work or happen, nothing I can do but continue on. So that’s what I did.

  • I hope you didn’t take offense to my comment, as I meant it to be helpful.
    .-= Therapeutic Ramblings´s last blog ..What Every Man Should Know By 30, Part 3 =-.

  • Everyone handles it differently. I’m not a dater at all, but I have friends who really are. And that’s okay. Whatever makes ’em happy. 🙂

  • I always liked a new person in high school. From this boy to that boy, so on and so forth. And coincidentually, that song “Flavor of the Week” was out then so whenever a boy would come close to dating me, someone would tell him he was just my flavor of the moment and he’d be gone…

  • people who leave nasty comments on other people’s blogs are just lacking in their own happiness department.

    don’t take it personally. if this boy make syou happy, then so be it!! you can’t control who you like…
    .-= imerika´s last blog ..What I’ve learned about love =-.

  • Here’s the thing. You’ll never be truly happy with someone else until you’re happy with yourself.

    On the other hand you’re young, so date around. It’s no one’s business but your own. This is, afterall, your corner of the interweb. If someone doesn’t like what they’re reading they should be clicking that little red x in the upper right hand corner.
    .-= Ashli´s last blog ..Excuse me if you mae me weak in the knees. You have that effect on me. =-.

  • 🙂

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