#reverb10: when the "what ifs" keep you from letting go…

5 December 2010

I signed up for this thing called #reverb10. A month full of prompts guided to help me reflect on this past year and focus on goals for the next.

December 5: Let go.
What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alicia Bradley)

This is a big one.  I feel like I’m in a constant battle between letting go, and trying not to lose myself.  Trying to let go of my baggage and fears that keep me from reaching the other side.  Pushing forward…

There’s an area where it’s been a struggle to let go.

I’d love to take a deep breath and let go of my fears, to trust that everything is going to be okay.  But I am scared.  I am completely afraid.  And that’s been hard to admit.

If you’ve been reading since this summer, you’ll know that in late July I was in the hospital for four days.  I was in “drop you to the moldy basement floor” pain — and yes, that did happen.  And now, just over 4 months later, I still don’t have an actual diagnosis.  We still don’t actually know what’s wrong with me.

I mean, yes, we know what’s caused the pain.  There’s an abscess — a growth the size of a dime — on my ovary.  My doctor’s been talking Endometriosis, but there’s no way to tell without surgery.  I need a biopsy of this growth.  And well, it might not be Endo.

Chris and I met one of his friends (and his awesome chocolate lab) for drinks Friday night.  His friend happens to be in the medical field, and we were talking about my situation… He make the comment that at least we know it’s benign.  I looked at the floor.  “You mean you don’t know?  They didn’t do a biopsy?!”  No.  I don’t have any clue what’s going on with me.  This could be Endo.  It could just be a cyst.  Or it could be the Big C.  The truth is, I won’t know until they do the surgery.

And I’m terrified.  Cyst means it’ll continue to be painful, and more could develop over time.  Endo means continued pain, and possible infertility.  Big C.  Well, trying not to think about that.  It doesn’t seem like there are any good options.  And as much as I try not to think about it, it’s a part of my life now.  I want to know what’s going on, but at the same time, I don’t want to know.  There are too many “what if”s.  And as I mentioned, I’m scared as hell.

I want to let go.  I want to not have this fear.  I want everything to be okay.  It’s just hard.

On a spin on the prompt, has there been anything or any one you haven’t been able to let go of?

  • Wow – well I really hope all is well – might be best to just get it checked, and then you will feel free to let it go – right? Good luck!

    • Erini

      Thanks!

      I forgot to include the big thing.. Up until December 1, I didn’t have insurance. So now that I have it, I pushed my three month check up to December… and then after this next round of ultrasounds we’ll discuss surgery.

  • I’ve been reading a bunch of reverb 10 posts today and yours has struck me. I guess I just feel like in this kind of situation, the what ifs are normal and really hard to combat. Letting go of them would be super-hard if not impossible (at least, I can’t imagine getting rid of them completely if it was me). Maybe easier is just consciously trying to insert positive what ifs amongst the negative ones. I hope all turns out good. Know that there are people out there that you don’t even know who are thinking of you and sending good vibes.

    • Erini

      Thanks! It really does mean a lot to me. 🙂

Previous post:

Next post: