what to do when things go to shit.

So, yeah. March isn’t letting up at all.  And this whole apartment hunting thing isn’t going as planned.  No one want to rent to a girl in my situation: past debt and no job.  Add on to that, my dad doesn’t want to co-sign* and well, my mom’s co-signed and bailed my brother and I out so many times we’re not sure they’ll take one more.  But we’re going to try.

Though I’m currently waiting to hear back from the landlord (rather, leasing agency who’s the middle man in all this)… I’m also freaking out and basically losing my shit.  I realize this may seem trivial or dumb, but it’s huge to me.  My class schedule is such that I would only be able to work one or two days a week, three if my family actually lets me work on Sundays.  Working that little, in an area that doesn’t really have much for jobs, isn’t going to help me afford school.  Not to mention, that’s a 2+ hour commute one way, and I won’t always have access to a car or a ride to get me to and from the train station every day.  My dad travels for work, and I can’t leave the family without some vehicle for long periods of time like that.  I also can’t afford my own car.  So commuting went from a less than ideal option, to almost impossible.

Now you can kind of see how I get from no apartment = no school.  And frankly, no school means no dream, and admitting that I’m a failure.  Having to refund all of the donations I’ve so generously received.  I feel like I’m letting all those people down.  My friends, my Meeting, and the complete strangers who step out to say “yes, we believe in you”…. yeah…

Cue break down.  Without this, I’m having a hard time seeing my worth.  I know it’s crazy, but it’s true.  I feel like I keep trying and trying, but no matter how hard or where I turn to, there’s always another brick wall in my way.  That I’m trapped and that happy, positive future is just not for me.

I am trying desperately hard to stay positive.  I’ve had some great people check in on me today.  But I’ve also had to step back from a big project that I’m still excited about… I’m just not in a place to be able to dedicate myself to my work like I should be.  I am also reminding myself every single minute that I am leaving for Seattle on Thursday and will be in the company of some very amazing women.

I know this isn’t the end of the world if I don’t get this apartment.  But it’s going to be a big negative spot in my life, and I just don’t know what’s going to come of it.  That’s just the truth.

*My dad is, however, helping me take care of my debt, which I very very grateful for.