what to do when things go to shit.

29 March 2011

So, yeah. March isn’t letting up at all.  And this whole apartment hunting thing isn’t going as planned.  No one want to rent to a girl in my situation: past debt and no job.  Add on to that, my dad doesn’t want to co-sign* and well, my mom’s co-signed and bailed my brother and I out so many times we’re not sure they’ll take one more.  But we’re going to try.

Though I’m currently waiting to hear back from the landlord (rather, leasing agency who’s the middle man in all this)… I’m also freaking out and basically losing my shit.  I realize this may seem trivial or dumb, but it’s huge to me.  My class schedule is such that I would only be able to work one or two days a week, three if my family actually lets me work on Sundays.  Working that little, in an area that doesn’t really have much for jobs, isn’t going to help me afford school.  Not to mention, that’s a 2+ hour commute one way, and I won’t always have access to a car or a ride to get me to and from the train station every day.  My dad travels for work, and I can’t leave the family without some vehicle for long periods of time like that.  I also can’t afford my own car.  So commuting went from a less than ideal option, to almost impossible.

Now you can kind of see how I get from no apartment = no school.  And frankly, no school means no dream, and admitting that I’m a failure.  Having to refund all of the donations I’ve so generously received.  I feel like I’m letting all those people down.  My friends, my Meeting, and the complete strangers who step out to say “yes, we believe in you”…. yeah…

Cue break down.  Without this, I’m having a hard time seeing my worth.  I know it’s crazy, but it’s true.  I feel like I keep trying and trying, but no matter how hard or where I turn to, there’s always another brick wall in my way.  That I’m trapped and that happy, positive future is just not for me.

I am trying desperately hard to stay positive.  I’ve had some great people check in on me today.  But I’ve also had to step back from a big project that I’m still excited about… I’m just not in a place to be able to dedicate myself to my work like I should be.  I am also reminding myself every single minute that I am leaving for Seattle on Thursday and will be in the company of some very amazing women.

I know this isn’t the end of the world if I don’t get this apartment.  But it’s going to be a big negative spot in my life, and I just don’t know what’s going to come of it.  That’s just the truth.

*My dad is, however, helping me take care of my debt, which I very very grateful for.

  • I’m going to give you a big hug on Thursday. 🙁 I have faith that it’ll all work out for you!

    • Erini

      Thanks Lacey! Definitely going to need that!!

  • howie

    refund? i don’t want a refund. this is about you pursuing your dreams, erini. keep going. don’t stop. some days will be hard and even painful, but other days will be a joy and will leave you feeling victorious. try to enjoy the roller coaster. don’t stop pursuing your dreams. ever! and no, you are NOT a failure. you just haven’t gotten to where you want to be. go enjoy seattle and when you come home, continue where you left off.

    • Erini

      Thanks Howie. 🙂 Hopefully today will be a better day. It’s definitely been an emotional and trying couple of weeks… Giving up doesn’t feel like an option, however, without having a place to live in Chicago, I’m sort of at a loss… But I still feel as strongly as ever that this school is right for me, and it’s where I need to be.

  • anonymous

    i have one and only one suggestion on how to make your life go: Live at home for one year. During that time, get a job, Starbucks, McDonalds, wherever you can find someone to hire you. You have no bills, except your debt. No car payment, no rent, no food. Use all the money you get from your job to pay off your debt and put the rest in a savings account. Don’t depend on anyone for anything for One Whole Year. By the end of the year see how much money you’ve got. You might just have enough to move to the city. You’ll have a good work ethic, a new outlook, and a future. You’ll have a job to put down on apartment applications. Who knows what will happen next? The thing is, everyone who reads your blog works for a living. We make money to pay our rent, and sometimes the going gets tough, but we keep working hard and get through it. Don’t think of your not getting an apartment as such a horrible thing. Think of it as an opportunity to change the way you approach life. It’s time to change, because what you’ve been doing up to now hasn’t worked. Depending On Others is not the name of the game. It’s the Day of the DIY – Do It Yourself. Lean on those who love you for support, for an ear, for a shoulder, but do your best to not ask them for money. People’s respect for you will grow.
    Remember – it’s only a year. And in the grand length of life, it’s not that long.
    “If you’re going through Hell, just keep going.” – ?

  • Fingers and toes crossed for you, and can’t wait to see you tomorrow! We’ll blow off some steam this weekend 🙂

    • Erini

      <3 Thanks ladyfriend. :) I've got good news to tell you...

Previous post:

Next post: