committing to me.

16 October 2011

Too many times I say “I’m going to… exercise/do yoga/eat healthier/get this degree/write a novel/finish my website/blah blah blah”… and of course, I never follow through. Not past a few weeks, at least. It’s as though I’m a constant work in process–which, yes, you can argue all of life is a work in progress, but still.

If you’re a creative, I’m sure you’ve heard this already, but there’s an amazing quote by Ira Glass… Basically the gist of it is that for the first few to well, serveral years of any creative’s career, there’s this gap between what you are creating and what you want to create. Most people quit. But if you push through, that gap shrinks and you begin to come into your own. The thing is, you just have to get through it. You have to create a lot of crap.

I have a hard time with that. I’m impatient. I want instant gratification.* It’s why I haven’t picked up a new instrument–or why I gave up some of the ones I have like my guitar, bass guitar, piano… even clarinet and sax. I gave up on yoga because I was frustrated with it. And healthy foods? Totally more expensive than my frozen & fried favorites. But I’m tired of getting distracted or bored. I’m tired of giving up.

Taking this break from school felt like I was being forced to give up. I can’t afford school, options were running out. So for at least the next three months, no school. I cannot quit on creating. And I’m not going to quit on this journey to becoming a better person. So in these three months, I need to create a plan and stick with it. And since I know myself, I need to be held accountable for it.

No way in hell will I allow myself to stop making things. I need to keep drawing. I want to start writing again (thank goodness NaNoWriMo is starting up again).  I want to keep myself busy with projects, but not just creating shit just to be creating. I want to work on projects I love–and to be okay if the result is shit.

I need to get myself back in a Meeting. I can’t keep quibbling over whether I’m going to move to a new neighborhood or not. I need to just set my alarm, get on the bus, and go.

I’ve enjoyed a relaxed lifestyle for a while. I don’t want to be some athletic queen or anything. I see no marathons in my future. I just want to be in better shape. Yes, I’m already fairly comfortable in my bikini–and as much as I love asking the boys to help me with the merch bins… I’d like to be able to just be more fit. Hell, just be fit in general. So I’m considering various things. Couch to 5K. Yoga. Boxing classes. Not sure what I’ll end up with, but I do have a walking date with my friend Lindsay next week. That’s a start.

Again, not going for losing weight. Just want to feel healthier. So I’m repeating one of the rules for tour: fast food is poison. On the way home from tour, I didn’t buy a damn snack or meal on the road unless we stopped for a group meal at a restaurant (like Black Bear or that awesome barbecue place). Honestly, it was to save money. But I didn’t need that crap. I won’t be completely giving up junk foods, but I’m going to make things like pizza, french fries, and chicken nuggets less of my diet. I want to start actually cooking for myself again.

As I mentioned in the last post, I’m trying to purposefully disconnect. I want to focus more of my life into relationships and experiences. I don’t want to look back and have my memories be defined  by a series of tweets or my facebook timeline. (No matter how spiffy the new facebook timeline actually is.)

Like I’ve said before, this break from school is an opportunity for me. I just need to sieze it and define what it will mean to me. I have no intentions on starting some strict regime or anything. I just want to be and feel better, and have fun doing it. I already enjoy life pretty well, I just want to enjoy it more.

*I actually could speak a lot on this and how technology sort of messed us and our work ethic up in this whole need for instant gratification thing. But well, it’s just another hurdle to get through.

  • dani

    If you want to feel better, cut out sugar! Good luck, girl -in looking forward to seeing your portfolio up again!!

    • Erini

      Thanks Dani! With sodas I always choose Sierra Mist when possible–only because they’re the only caffeine-free soda I know that uses sugar rather than corn syrup. But slowly getting myself to switch to water… I’ve just never liked the taste (or lack-thereof).

      I’ve got 3 months. Portfolio will be up before the new year!

  • Klara

    nice plans, best wishes to the realization of them! i would begin with the changes in the nutrition, than when you got energized and feel healthier, the other plans (sports, more activity) could be taken easier.

    • Erini

      Thanks Klara! Getting off the ramen diet is going to be awesome. It was good for the budget, just not the best for me. And I’m excited about being active. I’m not a slob or anything, I just don’t get out much. I spent most of this summer in front of my computer working on various design projects, and even though it’s getting colder out, I’d like to get out and do more before the year’s over!

      Thanks again!

  • SO proud of you and excited for you with these goals! I think it’s so important to write things down like this to hold yourself accountable… and to basically be a bad-ass. I want to do something similar for myself because I think it’s so important.

    Can’t wait to see your portfolio and hear about all the positive happenings in your life that come about thanks to this list! And NaNoWriMo? I was hit by a story idea earlier this month, and I’m totally exploring it this year. Let’s be friends and encourage each other next month!

    • Erini

      Thanks Erin! 🙂
      I *definitely* need to be held accountable… otherwise I’ll sit in my room all day with the cats and my laptop watching Netflix! I think it’ll all help me with this whole “I want more of my life to be offline” pseudo-crisis thing I’m going through.

      I updated the portfolio site to the point where the ONLY page that needs building is the portfolio one. And my goal is to get at least 5 pieces up there by the end of the month. And have a lot more of my sketch book up there.

      and YES to being NaNo friends! I think my name on there is AdorkableMe or something. No idea what story I’ll write, or if I’ll cheat and try to finish the one from last year…

  • yaniv

    Thats a great start you just need to stick to it to build a habit and you fine , good luck. 🙂

  • Do NaNo and Couch5K – maybe not at the same time. I am just finishing Couch5K and it feels amazing, plus the actually training was not at all as bad as I thought it would be (I repeated some weeks to let my body adjust and tried to actually enjoy running). Once you’ve written for a month, or gone running for 9 weeks, you’ll be in the habit and it will be sooo much easier to keep going.
    I am taking up the committing to me idea though, I need to do that!

    • Erini

      I’m definitely doing NaNo.. but think I might try Yoga this winter, and once spring hits, do the Couch5K program. I know myself too well and running in the winter probably won’t happen. And I do plan on repeating weeks as needed, since I’m not actually training or have any plans ever to run any sort of marathon.

      Definitely this whole “committing to me” is one of the biggest things I can do though! My self as a person–mind and body–need to take center stage!

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