finding truth in my fears, and confronting my own loneliness

With so much stuff going on this week, it’s not really a big surprise that I’m so tired tonight.

Monday was pretty exciting on it’s own, and then after work I topped off the evening by renewing my library card (and paying a $20 fine)… I don’t really remember yesterday evening, but I do know that I wrote well over 1000 words just on the morning bus ride to work for my NaNoWriMo short stories. And then this morning started off like the rest of the week (which, wasn’t necessarily great, but I dealt with it well)…

After work today I stayed late to catch up with Jennie. With Jennie and I being the only two designers in our quarter–well, until another girl switched–we spent 6 months together every single day at school. We shared every single class together–well, until I dropped Retail Systems half way through. That class was sort of the beginning of the end for our run. As you know, I’m on a break from school. So is the other designer. So it’s just Jennie now.

One of the hardest transitions with not being a student any more has been not seeing my friends all the time. Even last quarter in school, when our classes became more focused, I thought it sucked not seeing the copy writers as much. This is completely different. I’m at least happy I’m still in the same building as everyone else. But I’ve been feeling a pretty big friendship withdraw.

Recently, Amy from Just a Titch wrote about friendships and reaching out when you feel lonely. It was another post that left me going “holy f this is my life.” One of my biggest struggles over the years has been battling with loneliness. It’s been the underlying root of many other things. I’d say it also ties in nicely my wanting to be accepted. It’s this that really drove me to sinking so deep into trying to create a substitute online social life.

I can’t just accept my own loneliness any more. A long time ago I stopped making an effort–why make one when it doesn’t feel reciprocated? This stems well back to high school. Probably even middle school. (I mean, that’s the true root of all our problems, right?) So I’ve got to step up, and once again put forth more efforts into my friendships. Even if it means staying at work/school 3 extra hours to chat*, or three extra hours to attend a guest speaker and then get tea with a friend. I’ve got to make the effort to say “hey let’s do something” and then actually suggest something to do and a time to do it.

The bigger thing: I cannot let myself get worked up or upset when plans fall through or friends just are available. I’ve got amazing friends, very talented people. But those talents keep them busy. And I’ve got to support them in that.

Being lonely sucks. And yes, I do feel embarrassed to admit that I do feel very lonely at times, and that yes, I have cried more than I’d like to because of this. But I can’t be ashamed of this any more, and I can’t let it be such a driving force in my life.

*Which was well needed and I got the extra bonus of seeing David from The Post Family (and my former Type II instructor). My type designs and skills definitely got pushed further in his class than I’d ever thought I’d reach so quickly. Between his class and my book design class, I found a new passion for design. So, yeah, it was great to see him again.

**No bonus entries tonight, but just be sure to hug your friends.