I broke down.

4 January 2012

This new year has been exhausting so far. I don’t think I’ve gotten a good night’s sleep at all this week–well, I’ve had some super amazing/interesting dreams.* But there’s just been a lot going on so far. A lot to organize, and just a lot on my mind lately.

Last night I just broke down.

It was not my strongest, nor proudest moment. I realize everyone has their bad days, but this was Rini at 20 shades of overwhelmed. Last night was sort of one thing in particular that set it off, but it was built off the foundation of a handful of small stresses.

I’ve deleted about 20 paragraphs already. I don’t know how to talk about it. No one wants to admit that they’re weak or broken. When you open yourself up, you become vulnerable. It’s scary. It makes you feel more alone than anything else. But last night I was broken. It was rough. But last night doesn’t make me less of a person, as hard as it can be to believe at those times.

It’s going to take a while to work out what upset me so much last night. I will probably have more rough moments. But that’s just how it is. It sucks. I hate crying so hard I can’t breathe, feeling like you’re drowning. My chest still gets tight thinking about everything. Especially how low it hit last night. Last night I broke down. I’m not okay with it. But it happened.

*Not those kinds of dreams. But seriously, lucid dreaming like whoa. Sometimes like woe.

  • Been there. Email me if you need to talk. I’m sorry and I hope things get better soon.

    • Erini

      <3 thank you. I'm going to give it another night or so to settle, but yes, I'll probably be emailing you.

  • Ezz

    I get this. As a blogger – sometimes you want to reach out and articulate your feelings – but it’s hard to know where the lines are.
    I hope you’re okay. xo

  • Feel better soon, friend! Sending hugs and happy dances 🙂

    • Erini

      <3 Thanks!

  • I know I’m just some random stranger that tripped across your blog, but you’re certainly not alone in this.

    I know when I’m in these sorts of emotional dire straights I always end up feeling so conflicted about blogging. On the one hand, I want to talk candidly about my life, including my struggles… On the other, when I’m feeling low and vulnerable, I find it incredibly difficult to just come out with it because I haven’t fully processed things or I’m afraid what people might think, etc.

    I’m a big proponent of writing things down…. One of the things that I found has helped me is realizing that not everything can be published right this minute, but I can always write a private blog post and publish it later… That way I get that benefit of writing it all out, and then if I feel like sharing when I’m a little less tender, I can do that.

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