but I don’t want to be a zombie!

10 February 2012

I’m exhausted.

I’ve been going to bed no later than 10pm, getting up at 7am. Despite a few pizza lapses, I’ve still been eating fairly healthy. But there’s a lot of minor work stresses that are compiling together. Not to mention the fact that it’s really hitting me that I’m the only one in the office now that my coworker’s moved. There’s the stress of dealing with the insurance company. And I think turning off my emotions last month has definitely caught up with me. (Don’t worry, they’re back on now–guarded, but on.)

I’m just simply exhausted.

I know if it continues, I’m going to get sick. I’ll burn out mentally, emotionally, and physically. I’m on that road already. I can feel it aching through my entire body. It’s a harsh reminder that I am a person who needs physical contact. My full, tired self is longing for someone to just hold me. It’s why I’m starving for tomorrow–when I’ll be out with dear friends who I know for a matter of fact will greet me with a hug. I’m thankful for my cats who seem finely tuned to my needs for cuddles.

Most days, when I get home from work I zonk out. Netflix on the Wii, lounging on the couch with the furballs. And I’ll stay that way until my alarm goes off telling me to take my medicine and go to bed. Nothing really helps me feel rested. I’d love to just run off somewhere, just do my writer’s retreat now… But I’ll still have a pile of stress waiting for me when I return.

So, the only goal right now is just to work through it. To struggle on and hope I make it out without completely knocking myself on my ass. I’ve got to fight when I get home to make sure my chores are taken care of, this way I won’t get caught in a “oh, I don’t want to wash that sauce pan, guess I’ll order pizza rather than cook something for myself” situation again. If I’m going to be exhausted regardless, at least if I eat better I won’t become a complete zombie. Hopefully.  … no guarantees.

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