but I don’t want to be a zombie!

10 February 2012

I’m exhausted.

I’ve been going to bed no later than 10pm, getting up at 7am. Despite a few pizza lapses, I’ve still been eating fairly healthy. But there’s a lot of minor work stresses that are compiling together. Not to mention the fact that it’s really hitting me that I’m the only one in the office now that my coworker’s moved. There’s the stress of dealing with the insurance company. And I think turning off my emotions last month has definitely caught up with me. (Don’t worry, they’re back on now–guarded, but on.)

I’m just simply exhausted.

I know if it continues, I’m going to get sick. I’ll burn out mentally, emotionally, and physically. I’m on that road already. I can feel it aching through my entire body. It’s a harsh reminder that I am a person who needs physical contact. My full, tired self is longing for someone to just hold me. It’s why I’m starving for tomorrow–when I’ll be out with dear friends who I know for a matter of fact will greet me with a hug. I’m thankful for my cats who seem finely tuned to my needs for cuddles.

Most days, when I get home from work I zonk out. Netflix on the Wii, lounging on the couch with the furballs. And I’ll stay that way until my alarm goes off telling me to take my medicine and go to bed. Nothing really helps me feel rested. I’d love to just run off somewhere, just do my writer’s retreat now… But I’ll still have a pile of stress waiting for me when I return.

So, the only goal right now is just to work through it. To struggle on and hope I make it out without completely knocking myself on my ass. I’ve got to fight when I get home to make sure my chores are taken care of, this way I won’t get caught in a “oh, I don’t want to wash that sauce pan, guess I’ll order pizza rather than cook something for myself” situation again. If I’m going to be exhausted regardless, at least if I eat better I won’t become a complete zombie. Hopefully.  … no guarantees.

  • Ah, the insatiable tired. I hit those points too, where nothing I seem to do helps any of the lingering fatigue in my bones. I hope you are able to get through it soon, and find some rest and warm hugs.

    Also, I read your previous post on writing and clicked on a few links for the writing classes and workshops you’ve taken and it’s been very inspiring to me. So, thank you. 🙂

    • Erini

      I hate that I keep turning to food, BAD foods too! Gotta shake that habit!

      I’ve really enjoyed the writing courses & conferences I’ve gotten to attend so far. It really reminds me how much I want to be in a writing program, and am very hopeful I’ll get into the U of Chicago program. I definitely encourage taking those small steps in doing what you love–not always going for huge leaps… because before you know it, you’ll have gone further than you’d ever imagine. 🙂

      • YES. I most definitely turn to food. Even though I tend to lose my over all appetite, chocolate is always appealing. Lots and lots of chocolate.

        I suppose I’m scared that if I enter a writing program, I won’t love writing anymore. Is that weird? I think smaller classes are a way to test out this theory. 🙂

        • Erini

          I crave cookies and chips and ice cream when I’m “creating”… sweet or salty carbs. 24/7. Nothing else sounds good. (Hence why I might be going to the bar next door for lunch today to get soft pretzels for lunch… again.)

          That’s a definite fear in pursuing any passion. I love writing, but I’ve been known to just give up in the past… and with design, I get burned out so quickly–I don’t want that to happen with writing too. It’s just hard to see it as a career too. But I just love it so much. There’s a lot on the line.

          … I definitely recommend taking smaller classes and such. Small steps towards big things.

  • Ugh, I totally feel you! There were times when I lived alone that I would crave phyiscal contact so much that yoga was the best place to go because I knew people would adjust my poses!

    I know virtual hugs aren’t the same! But i’ll send them anyway.

    ALSO – I’m infuriated on your behalf! Insurance companies are so stressful and exhausting. I just had my endo surgery….and I had to pay for it out of pocket. Not ideal. xo!

    • Erini

      This weekend was great. Not only did I have the concert in which I got to see a lot of awesome friends, but I got to spend my Sunday afternoon with them for a fun day of potlucking and hanging out. I’ll see them again this weekend too.

      There’s been a slight update with the insurance… apparently I have coverage, but not on anything “pre-existing”, at least not until 2013. It just gets super complicated because even though I haven’t been diagnosed with endo officially, they won’t cover it because they thought about it before I had insurance… it’s all messed up. I’ll be writing about it on EndoBitch soon.

      Thanks Deidre! Hope the surgery takes care of all your endo problems!

  • sendings e-hugs! i hope you’re feeling a little bit better this week

    • Erini

      Thanks Michelle!

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