confidence and insecurities: the battle with body image

9 June 2012

This is a hard issue for me. I’d like to just ignore it, pretend I’m not dealing with it, and hope it goes away on it’s own. But by the very nature of this particular beast, that’s simply not the case.

I’m having body image issues.

It’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time–probably middle school. And the thing is, it’s pretty freaking ridiculous. I’m not a large girl. And I think that makes it really hard for me to talk about this. I’m not a tiny thing, but apparently girls like me aren’t supposed to talk about weight issues.

This is not a simple battle with me. There are days when I feel amazing. I feel beautiful. But just below that confidence is this thing that digs at me–reminding me that I’ve gained weight in the past two years. Reminding me that my clothes are tighter. Reminding me that my stomach is larger/bloated, and it might not be endo.

I went to the doctor a few days ago. It was the first time I’ve been weighed in years. I’ve lived in a no-scale home since high school or middle school. I’ve been eating a lot better this year. I thought I was doing great. But that number was a shock. I had gained 10-15lbs. I realize that might not be much compared to what other people are dealing with, but for me it is.

Now, I’m not just idly bitching. I signed up for MyFitnessPal.com, after my mom recommended it. I’m continuing to adjust my eating habits. And I’m figuring out what sort of physical activity my body is okay with. (Because WiiFit Plus Hula Hoops + Endo = CRAMPS. PAIN. DEATH.) But this is still going to a continual struggle for me. Just because I have the confidence to wear a bikini doesn’t mean I’m completely comfortable with my body.

  • “Just because I have the confidence to wear a bikini doesnโ€™t mean Iโ€™m completely comfortable with my body.” ditto!

    i lost almost 70 pounds. i put on almost 10. i will never be perfectly thin or fit or whatever. i have a belly, round hips and a large bust. i love bikinis. most days i’m happy with my body, but there are days i wish i could just be invisible forever. we all struggle, and our struggles are different. however, i don’t think we should be forced to keep it to ourselves at any size. ever

    • Erini

      Accepting my hips (and booty) was been the hardest, but also best, thing in regards to my body image.

      • isn’t it crazy how difficult self acceptance is? it’s so rewarding in the end ๐Ÿ™‚

        • Erini

          oh it definitely is. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Hear, hear!
    I’ve lost about 20 lbs since I last saw you, and it’s really only because I went off the birth control. I was lucky. But where I was trying before to come to terms with having that extra weight on, now I’m insecure because I have totally lost my boobs! You just can’t win, no matter what your size. I just ordered a new swimsuit since my old one is too big, and while it is my first bikini in a few years, it’s one of those tank top ones so I don’t have to show my tummy. And it has underwires and cups. I just couldn’t bring myself to get something that shows my tummy and doesn’t help me in the boob department.
    Hang in there, lady ๐Ÿ™‚ You are lovely inside and out!

    • Erini

      I think I could have been fine and been oblivious to the weight gain had it not mostly been all in my stomach. I mean, some days I felt like I looked like I was pregnant. I hated it. I still hate it. But I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who sees myself that way.

      Regardless, eating better and getting more activity! (Which I have to do anyway because my HDL levels are down thanks to my endometriosis treatment…ugh.)

      LOVE YOU LADY!!

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