sick day

20 March 2013

I’ve been just downright exhausted these past two weeks. Normally I only hit snooze once, and I’m out of bed by 6:30 — but lately I can’t get myself out of bed until after 7. Not a drastic change, but I knew my body was telling me something, I just wasn’t listening.

Cue endo cramps and a cold happening simultaneously. I actually wonder if the cold is what brought on the cramps. However, what it means is being even more exhausted and just sore. Everywhere. And every time I sneeze it feels like something is ripping.

I’ve been trying over the years at getting better at listening to my body. Part of the problem is it’s hard for me to say no. It’s hard for me to take the time I need to heal. I always want to be everything for everyone, to not let anyone down. But in doing that, I am, of course, letting myself down.

I feel like a lot of that is a problem in our society — we’re supposed to be super humans who can go, go, go. We’re supposed to give 200% all the time. I’ve worked many jobs were we were only given 5 sick days for the entire year. And while it would be great to only be sick 5 days a year, it also means that we’re more likely to push ourselves harder when we should just let our bodies take the rest they need. Even when I’m healthy, I can probably count the real, full lunch breaks that I’ve taken this year on one hand. I work through lunch, eating in between phone calls and emails.

It means when I crash, I crash hard. I hate that a cold is knocking me out. My mind is fine, my stomach’s not bad. But I’m just so sore. Everything hurts. And sneezing? Mixed with these endo cramps it’s intolerable.

All-in-all. I feel weak. I feel helpless. I feel really, really lame. I hate feeling like I’m letting people down — that I’m letting my boss down. I hate that I can’t control it, and that my endo is going to dictate so much of my life. I just want to be healthy and strong and able.

But for now, I’m going to hide under as many blankets as I can and attempt to take care of myself.

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