I’ve been single for about two years now. It’s not terribly a big deal. But over the course of the last few months, I’ve been facing this internal battle. I want to date, and eventually get into a relationship, but I won’t let myself.
It’s been a real jumble of emotions. A lot of it has been caused by low self-esteem, rather than this singleness causing the low self-esteem. I guess that’s a sign of maturity, right?
Most of the self-esteem issues have stemmed from my endometriosis. It’s one of those symptoms they don’t really tell you about. Having any sort of physically romantic life just isn’t something that excites me half the time because of the pain or the bloating or some other stupid symptom. I can generally push through most days, but I’ve got to tell you: I don’t feel sexy. And honestly, there are some days when I just want to be invisible. I don’t want anyone to find me attractive without my approval of it ahead of time. (I know, issues much?)
And then there’s always that fear that I’m going to open myself up again to someone, they’ll change their mind out of no where, they’ll move on and hook up with someone else (and then bam, get pregnant and are on their way to a happy little family).* I’m over the people from my past, but not necessary what happened. And some of those “whats” are haunting more more than I’d like.
I know, I truly know, that this is all temporary. That one day the things in my past will no longer get to be in control. I make light of it when I can, I’ve dealt with depression before and know I can beat it. There’s some guy out there who’s going to be so amazing I’ll
probably cry for feeling so lucky. But for right now, I don’t know if I’m ready for that in my life. It’d be nice, yes. But it’s just hard for me to see that there’s someone out there willing to put up with this.
All I can really do is remind myself to be open to possibilities, and just not worry about it as best as possible. I have to be, and thankfully am, ok with being alone. These demons won’t control me forever.
*Seriously, this happened last year.