But I’m happy.

24 August 2013

Elanor and Mucca Pazza at MASS MoCA

This past week in North Adams was amazing. On our first full day there, as the band was out working on their video shoot, I was in Courtyard C, sitting at a picnic bench on the phone with my mom and I couldn’t stop smiling. I was beaming.

I couldn’t believe that this is my life. And I was so full of joy.

It wasn’t just because I was on tour — I’ve experienced this same joy just walking around my neighborhood. But I’m doing something I love, with people that I care about, in a place that just made me want to melt in the ground and become a part of it. It’s like a perfect recipe for joy.

My situation isn’t perfect. This isn’t the life my parents necessarily want for me, as my dad is quick to point out when I talk to him. They mean well, they do. They don’t want me to be in debt. They don’t want me to struggle, or worry about if I can afford rent, let alone food. But you know, I’m happy. I don’t want to settle on just making it by any more. I want to explore my passions and see what’s there. I know it won’t be easy. I know there will be struggles. But I’m happy.

You don’t need much for happiness. I’ve got my cats. My Muccas. My writing. My beach. My travels. My books. My family. My creativity. My curiosity. My times of quietness. My city. My friends. My hope.

I’m learning to stop trying to live up to anyone’s expectations for my life, for my happiness, other than my own. I don’t know if I could ever be the daughter he wants. I don’t think I could be that person and still be true to myself. But hopefully he’ll see the joy in my life, the good person I try to be. My happiness will not be dependent on any other person; family, dating, friends — they can add to it, but will not be the determining factor.

I’m really, truly excited about my life — about all the possibilities ahead of me.
I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

  • This has definitely been an issue that I’ve done a lot of battle with in the past couple of years….

    Early on in my 20s, I had such a people pleasing streak it bordered on self-destructive. If someone I loved about had a very strong opinion on how things have to be done to live a good life, I’d end up absorbing that opinion to try to make them happy to the point where I deny my own happiness.

    Like, for example… I ended up married at 22 because I was surrounded by friends who thought living together before getting married and having sex before getting married were sins. I didn’t really believe either of those things deep down, but there was so much external force being placed on me at the time, I felt like if I didn’t make decisions that catered to their whims, I’d lose their love.

    And I was miserable for it.

    After my ex-husband and I split, I realized that the people that love me are going to love me regardless of the fact that I’m making a decision they might not make themselves… and if they can’t handle it, they must not really love me.

Previous post:

Next post: