This path may lead towards heartache

12 October 2013

This whole connectiveness that social media brings, while it can be great, is also absolutely terrible. Internet stalking is way to easy. And sometimes you do it without intending to, accidentally stumbling on a photo or profile. Or sometimes things like Facebook practically force it at you with all there “look what this person is doing! oh look, your mutual friend interacted with that person you’ve wanted to avoid!”

It was through Facebook that I discovered that an ex was married after a very short time of dating his now wife. And again now Facebook’s let me know that they’re anticipating a child together. It was through social media I found out about another person’s pregnancy with the girl he had been seeing for only 2 months, right after he publicly ripped me apart to push me away.

I’m not mad at them. Heck, I’m not really mad at my ex — or the tremendously painful way he ended our relationship — or the other guy for the most part . But it still hurts. Like a reaffirmation of the rejection.

Both of them got this happy ending. They’re building a family, falling in love… They’re getting everything I’ve longed for. And I’m stuck here, alone and feeling very broken. I blame my endo. I blame my anxiety. I blame my past. I blame my short hair. Because nothing makes sense as to why I’m still alone.

It’s incredible hard to stay strong in situations like these. We grasp at everything, any excuse, and we nitpick ourselves into terrible places. Because there aren’t logical explanations in most cases. It just didn’t work out. And as much as that hurts, we’re just left to accept it. I can’t fight for either of those guys. I tried with the latter, even some after I found out about the pregnancy, thinking maybe if we had a strong friendship again all those issues we ever had would go away and he would realize I was worth it. I was reaching for anything that would take the pain away. In the end nothing changed, other than realizing I was way too quick on taking the blame and apologizing for being hurt.

My faith tells me not to worry. That there’s a plan in place for me and the perfect person out there that will come when the time is right. But my heart is telling my faith to shove it. Relationships, even feigned attempts at them, hurt. I want to live a life where I’m not worried about them. Where I can just get over it and move on. You know, at times I am. Until I get too connected and throw myself down a rabbit hole that honestly I know better than to go down.

The truth is I am fucking amazing and I can’t figure out why an equally amazing person doesn’t want to be with me. The truth is those guys, who were absolutely wonderful in their own merits, were not able to give me what I needed. In most things in life, I believe that the things that are supposed to happen will happen, either through my own efforts or something bigger than me. But I refuse to believe there is any possibility that I might not be able to experience this love, this connection, this family that I have always desired. I refuse to believe that I am anything less than amazing or worthy. This path may lead towards more heartache, but I cannot wait for someone to refuse to let me go.

Previous post:

Next post: