And then everything and nothing changes.

19 October 2013

Remember how I was so confident that going to grad school and getting my MFA was exactly what I was supposed to be doing? I was so sure about it. Well right now I feel more confused than ever.

I know I want to be a full-time writer. I’d like to get my MFA. And I think I’d like teaching. I just… I’m not sure this is exactly right for me. I can’t tell if it’s the fear getting to me, or worries about the high cost of school and lack of funding and available jobs… I know I don’t need an MFA to be a writer. And while, yes, I think I’d like teaching… part of me is wondering if maybe a Masters in Education might not serve me better in terms of leading me towards a career.

There’s a lot going on in my mind right now. About school, whether or not I should stay in Chicago, about what I should be doing. Chicago, though I love it, is not a cheap place to live. And I’m just afraid that this city is going to be out of my budget while I try to figure out everything. But any time I get even the slightest bit ok with the idea of moving away, something always reminds me why I love this place so much. It’s just really confusing right now. I feel like I’m back at square one.

I’m trying not to beat myself up for not being sure and possibly changing my mind. I know that this is a perfectly acceptable place to be. But at the same time, it’s like, “Hey everyone, look at me fail! Look at me be incredibly, predictably, indecisive!”

I’m just having a hard time balancing these dreams of mine against the reality that I need a stable income to get by. It feels hard to believe I can have both. I haven’t felt happier than when I’m free to do as I want — to write or create or travel as I please. I just haven’t figured out how to make that profitable. It is somehow, if I really want it.

But, after all that planning  and preparing and slowly getting ready for this big change… I’m just back where I started. I’m not really worried, or stressed. It’s just exhausting and a tad frustrating.

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