In a response to my recent post on this whole thinking about relationships again, Katie mentioned how she wished she was as calm as I am in regards to being single. But the truth is… well, it took me a while to accept being single. And there are times when I’m still not ok with it. But with work, I got here.
It was not an easy road. I have had so many nights where I’ve cried myself to sleep. Or just crying throughout the day. Like seriously. I cannot emphasize how much I ugly cried over feeling that I would never be loved.
But I am loved. Not in a spouse type of love, but it’s love. And, learning to focus on what makes me happy. Big things and little ones. I sort of hate that whole “choose happiness” stuff, but you know, I decided I was just tired of letting this hurt me so much. At some point I was just over it.
Not knowing what’s going to happen doesn’t have to be scary. There are endless possibilities out there for you. So many adventures. It’s not some dark spiraling hole of despair. It’s like stepping out and having any path at your fingertips. The beginning of a dawn. That beautiful light.
And all those bad dates you might go on? I had a guy that I just wanted more than anything to be the one… and it just was never going to happen. I thought the world of him, and it blinded me to all the times when he didn’t treat me right. I thought it was just the drinking. I thought the good outweighed any hint of bad. I was in deep. But he was never going to choose me. And it hurt like crazy. But you know what I realized? As amazing as I thought he was — the guy I’m going to end up with is going to be so much greater than that guy. And that excites me.
Do I still have moments where I get caught off guard, moments where I still weep uncontrollably? Yeah. Those times still happen. But as I started focusing on myself, those times are fewer and further between. I mean, it make seem hokey and fake — but I honestly do believe that life is good. I really do enjoy my life. Singleness be damned. A relationship status won’t define me.
It shouldn’t define any of us. Realizing that I didn’t have to wait for a wedding and a spouse to start a family, it was freeing. Realizing that I didn’t need to depend on someone else for my own happiness, completely freeing. It’s not an easy path to get here — this journey is far from perfect — and dark days will always come. But damn if this way of looking at life isn’t amazing.