Ok, so not long after writing the post about how I’ve come to the point of acceptance of my singleness, I realized there may be more to it. And unfortunately I was reminded in a not so awesome way.
Yes, I did cry a lot. Yes, I did spend time focusing on myself. Yes, I do generally feel good about life and myself and all those rainbows and unicorns. But. There is definitely more to it.
I’m ok with being single, because being single is safe.
Since I’m not spending my time or energy trying to attract someone, it’s one less stress. There’s less threat of rejection if I’m not out actively seeking a relationship. Less chance of my heart getting hurt if I’m single.
But beyond all of the locking my heart away in a tower thing… With being single… I can hide from the fact that physical intimacy terrifies me. That it sends panic more often than not. I can keep all the scars from my past hidden. I don’t have to worry about someone who I want to be close to me, triggering some terrible wound from my past.
I can hide away from all of those things, pretend that they never happened. Pretend that I’m whole.
Being single means I don’t have to expose myself again.
Yes. I would absolutely love that companionship again. Yes. I would absolutely love for someone to fight for me, to encourage me, to love me for everything that I am. … It’s just easier to hide from it all.
Maybe one day, I’ll meet some amazing guy who will be patient with me… But for now… It’s much easier to be single.