Serenity now.

16 July 2014

I realized this morning, I’ve spend more of my 30s thus far injured than not.

First with the knee — which is finally getting slightly better, still on crutches though. And now? My back. Went to pick something up off the coffee table and all of a sudden it was the worse stabbing, shooting pain in my lower back. I couldn’t bend. Not from my back, not from my knees. And no real idea what caused the back pain either.

But despite the physical, a lot of other things are going well.

This job has been great — trying at times, but I feel like I’ve handled it well. I’m managing supplies for around 130 classes. And I’m doing it fairly well too. This job has taught me that I don’t have to run myself ragged to make everything perfect; to accept that I am, in fact, doing my best. It’s also shown me I have a confidence and authority that I’d completely forgotten about. I am the master of my domain at work, and I don’t let others bully me, despite how urgent it feels for them or my desire to make everyone happy.

I’m doing my best, and others around me are recognizing it. It’s pretty awesome.

I think the biggest thing here, though, is just learning to accept, and appreciate, myself and my all. I’m not really thinking about myself in terms of “brokenness” or “wholeness” — it’s more about all-ness. Accepting all parts of me, broken, whole, or still growing. Which ok. Yes. Does make me feel whole, regardless of whether I actually am or not.

Most of us are familiar with at least part of the serenity prayer. We may have heard it so many times that it’s lost it’s meaning… But it feels like the most accurate description as to how I feel.

Grace to accept what cannot be changed.
Courage to change what can be changed.
Wisdom to distinguish between the two.

Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardships as a way towards peace.
Taking this imperfect world as it is,
not as I would have it.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life.

I still falter when it comes to having courage to change things. It’s scary, change is. However, accepting things can be equally as scary. I was tired of being afraid of life. Life is full of so many things: good, bad, wondrous, and scary. And we do not have control over all of it. Worst of all, not much of it is so clear cut — even if it’s leaving a job because it’s a bad working environment, or ending a toxic relationship.

Much of life isn’t about the good or the bad things. It’s about what you do with it, how you react to it, and what you in turn put back into the world as a result of those things. I’ve no where near got this mastered — but I’m trying. And that’s the best I can do.

*I edited down this version, but the one from Niebuhr still holds true to me.

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