I wanted it to work. I truly thought it would. Those last few things seemed doable, they seemed manageable.
All that stands between me and my dream to go to MSU and start a new career path was just a way to get out there and finding a place to live. But those things are pretty huge when you’re already in a pretty rough spot.
Just the cost of moving out there alone is going to be around $2000. I looked at a couple different moving companies and truck options… but it’s all the same. Roughly $2000, and that doesn’t include any help getting things in and out of the truck, and for one it doesn’t include gas either.
I feel stupid for not looking into it sooner, not realizing just how big of a task this is. The amount of money I need to get out there is just well more than could ever just magically appear. Because on top of that $2000, I’d also need about another $1300-2000 for an apartment’s rent and the security deposit. Oh, and then there’s a car. So that’s another $1000-3000. So at best we’re looking at over $4000-ish. Something far beyond what I have. Something far beyond what I could ask for.
I actually did crowd funding for my last educational venture — and I’m beyond thankful for all the help I got there… but, well, 1) I still couldn’t afford to stay at the school for more than 2 terms so that didn’t work out, and 2) someone very, very dear to me made me feel so ashamed for “begging” that I don’t think I could consider doing it again.
I just hate all that’s come with this. I feel so naive. And honestly, I feel like a failure. Like out of all my siblings and cousins, I’m going to be that one black sheep who never gets their life in order. I’ve been essentially jobless for over a year now. Even with this summer’s job I was barely scraping by. It’s what prompted this whole decision. I wanted something better. I wanted my life to feel like it had direction, and that I was doing something with it other than floating or going from one not-ideal situation to the next. These are all reasonable desires — ones a lot of us have.
At first I wasn’t sure I wanted to share this post. I started it a few days ago when the initial shock hit me. I was full of emotion. I spent a few hours crying. I sent helpless emails and texts to my parents. It was a not-so-good place to be, to say the least. However, after a few days of reflection — and of course, letting myself deal with those emotions — I can say I’m definitely doing better. I’m still disappointed. Things aren’t going the way I had planned. Which in the broader scope is sort of laughable itself because I never originally had planned on Montana. It was just a fluke. A fluke that I started building a dream on. I pictured my life there, and I pictured a life beyond what it would bring me. That’s more than I’ve had in a long time.
But I believe there is value in sharing this aspect of our dreams. I talked about how our dreams aren’t precious, and I truly believe that. Yes they’re important, but as I mentioned, we can’t hold them on this pristine pedestal and make them this fragile, unchangeable thing. Dreams are hard. If you go in expecting it to be all glitter and rainbows, reality will indeed pull you down and it will hurt. Yes be excited. Yes go at this full force. Yes shout it from the mountain tops. But also embrace the falls, embrace the challenges. These are the areas where you will find good insight and growth. These are the area where you either solidify just how much this means to you, or you find a way to adapt your dream into something new.
All of this has been hard, no doubt. But I’m not ending Project Montana any time soon. I’m just adapting my plans. And for that, you’ll have to check back next week as I will hopefully have some good developments!