(maybe not so) causal ideas about the future

My 31st birthday is coming up in a couple months. While I’ve really enjoyed 30, the realization of 31 feels a little different. Not bad different. Just holy whoa you’re heading into real adulthood different. Right now I’m just 30. But soon I’ll be in my 30s.

A handful of years ago, I had all these ideas about what I’d do in my 30s. Mostly circling around what I’d do around 35-36. It was things like wanting to buy my own house or maybe look into adoption or fostering for real, since you know, it’s been an interest of mine for the last 10 years. It was just stuff that I was like, yeah I’d like to do this some day, let’s push it off to my mid-30s, since that’s far off and everything. Suddenly they’re not so much. They feel so real now.

My mind keeps racing towards one of those particular ideas. That if I’m still struggling with endometriosis around 35-36, I’d look into a hysterectomy.

This isn’t anything I’ve talked with a doctor yet. It’s just been medicine, then the laparoscopy, then more medicine, and then just sit and wait and see how I do. The pain hasn’t gone away. And now that I’ve been off the medicine for about 8 months, the pain is only getting worse. And so that comment I threw out casually about “if I’m still dealing with this in X years I’ll just remove those organs”… well, I’m feeling the weight of it.

I realize I don’t have to have this procedure. But at the same time, I just want the pain to end. However, even just having this sort of deadline of when I might consider this really drastic measure, the main thing I think about is “I have to deal with this for 5 more years.” Five years. I don’t want to be strong for 5 more years. But at the same time… removing my uterus takes away every chance of me having a child of my own. And yeah, I know I said I want to look into adoption, but I don’t know if I’m ready to think about the idea of giving up that option.

I still struggle with this idea of who wants to date a chick with a broken uterus. But that sort of becomes even more painful when I think of what guy wants to date a girl who voluntarily removed her uterus (yes, to get rid of the pain caused by an incurable autoimmune disease, but still). I wish I could say this didn’t bother me so much. But I’d be lying if I said this disease hasn’t made me feel like less of a woman. I know that’s all bullshit. I know it. However, this is the disease that has me wanting to remove internal organs, so…

I mean. Yeah. So 5 years is still a ways a way. A lot can happen in 5 years. In fact it was 5 years ago that I was first hospitalized for this. Since then I’ve changed jobs, started a couple non-degree school programs, quit a couple non-degree school programs, lost a job, traveled a lot, moved back home and started a second degree… So who knows where I’ll be in 5 years or how I’ll feel. Just now, however, maybe need to give it more than just a passing thought.