On fragility, abuse, and trying to let go

5 July 2017

Last night I had my first real big ugly cry since before my surgery. And it had absolutely nothing to do with the surgery or anything that comes with not having a uterus any more.

Ok, maybe a tiny little bit did, but only a tiny bit.

It’s all because I like a guy and I let some bad stuff from my past seep in and take root in my head.

I haven’t had a crush in a long while. Not like, a crush crush. It’s one of those things where I’ve kind of always found this guy friend attractive, and then the more I got to know him, the more I liked him. I’m trying to be logical through the whole thing — he’s one of my online friends, so we haven’t even met in person, nor do I even know how he feels about me or anything if he’s even thought about me that way… just because I like him doesn’t mean he likes me.

But you really can’t logic your way out of a crush.

My last relationships/attempt at a relationship/whatever it was, was not healthy. I had gotten involved with one of my guy friends, and developed major feelings for him. He would go from telling me how beautiful I was to saying that we couldn’t date because we both sort of worked together. He would wrap his arms around me and tell me how lucky he was that I chose him, to telling me he was never once attracted to me. We’d hook up, to him majorly going after another girl right in front of me. He drank. A lot. At least once while he was driving. Somehow despite all that terrible shit, I still thought maybe I’d be enough for him and that he’d choose me, and only me. Then he got this other girl that he had started seeing, like actually dating, pregnant. He’s apparently cleaned up his life a lot since then… but… the damage he did to me was done.

So I spent the wee hours of last night sobbing because I’m afraid to let myself like someone again. Crying out because I just want someone who will find me beautiful as I am* — someone who will choose me.

I hate that this asshole from my past got in my head. That someone who I have moved on from still has an affect on me. While I’ve found some great happiness in myself since then, and I’m excited about where my life is going… I’d be lying if I said a little part of me didn’t want someone to share that with. I’m enjoying getting to know this guy. And yes, the logical part of me is and will be find that nothing is likely to come of this… It’s just that crush part which is all “I want to kiss his face.” Sigh. And logic side can’t argue because, hey, he is cute.

BLERGH. Why are crushes in your 30s still a thing.

A lot of this is holdover stuff from my endometriosis. The medicine I was on caused me to gain weight, and as I’ve talked about a few times, endo is the type of disease that sort of makes you feel broken as a woman. I had the same hold ups when choosing to have a hysterectomy as a single woman. I know there is no perfect weight or size, and that my body just is my body how it is in the moment.

  • Even in a healthy marriage now I have a lot of pent up issues from a bad, emotionally and verbally abusive relationship in high school and another post-college relationship with someone who just didn’t care. Dave deals with it, and they’re always there, but it does get better. <3

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