16 November 2017

Feeling: Apparently all of the emotions. But mostly fucking happy. And at peace for the moment. But also super tired.

The stress of grad school isn’t necessarily helping… but there’s been a lot of feelings that have been going on lately. And even feelings about feelings. There have been past things that have cause a lot of feelings… and there are some new things that are also causing a lot of feelings. Thankfully the new things are causing better feelings, and a lot of joy and happiness is coming from that area of my life.

Watching: the calendar days go by too quickly!

I was totally not prepared for the fact that Thanksgiving is next week. Or that it’s been over a month since I was visiting Philly. As of this week I officially have no more assigned readings (on the syllabus at least), no more listed assignments. Only final projects. And of course my thesis proposal and a late paper.

Playing: Overwatch. Overwatch. And more Overwatch.

I love this game. There’s a lot of salt still, but for the most part it’s all been enjoyable. I’ve got a number of friends who play, so it’s kind that generally at least one person is always around. Since I’ve gotten the PC, I’ve been trying a lot more games — especially more shooting gamings. Out of all of those, Overwatch has been the one that I’ve really clicked with the best. (Pun maybe intended?) There’s a lot of different heroes, which means a lot of different play-styles. I really adapted well to Mercy first — a support character — and because I learned her after all the major changes, none of them are an issue for me. I’ve also played a lot of Junkrat (or Trash Mouse as I call it), and it’s been just a really fun more aggressive chaotic character for me. I’m hopping to get better with Zenyatta and Orisa next.

Listening To: my heart. As much as I can at least before the stupidness takes over my brain.

Did you know that logic doesn’t always solely live in your brain? It can also exist in your heart, too. With all those feelings to deal with, and just the “super dumb brain mode” stuff that goes on… It’s just one of those things if I’m able to just sit, breath, and pull myself back I can better assess and deal with the situation. With anxiety and BS from my past take over my brain and get me all worked up, I know in my heart where to trust. I’m not saying it’s easy to do this. Or that I’m good at it. Because I’m also listening to why I’m having these “dumb” feelings too. What is it about this particular situation that is triggering this particular feeling or anxiety or bad memory? So I guess it’s more about just really trusting myself and listening to myself and my life and what’s going on around me.

Reading: Anthropological journals and academic articles and texts and stuffs because OMG THESIS.

Reading for fun is not a thing in my life any more. My goal is to get my thesis proposal done this weekend. But even once that’s done I’m still going to be reading a lot of theory texts and articles. Maybe after I graduate I can gift myself one just purely FOR FUN book and just let myself get lost in it.

Working on: ahem… OMG THESIS.

Yep. This is my life now. I’ve also been doing a little bit of freelance graphic design work. Mainly making emotes for other streamers on twitch. And I’ve been working on improving my own channel. Thesis takes priority though.

Thinking about: sleep.

I joke a lot with one of my close friends about how much I just want a “cuddle raid” to happen. And we’ve laughed about how us cuddling would just be us falling asleep within 5 minutes. Honestly, I am A-OK with that. It sounds freaking nice. Please and thanks, let’s all just take a nap.

Craving: hugs.

See the comments above about the cuddle raid. And also the feelings? Another friend and I talked a bit about those 5 love languages… you know the ones… Well, physical touch is one of mine (both receiving and expressing forms of love). And one of my friends just makes me so ridiculously happy and just brings so much joy and laughter to my life. I just want to hug them and never let go.

Also craving all the warm and comforting foods right now as well. Because foods.

Looking forward to: getting these deadlines met.

Once I have my thesis proposal done, then I just need 2 classes next semester. And one of those classes is just my thesis hours — aka just me actually writing my thesis for 3 months. Once all that happens? It means I’m that much closer to getting a job in this field. Which is the whole reason I went for this degree.

Making me happy: that really close friend I’ve mentioned a few times.

I don’t want anyone to think, myself included, that my happiness is wrapped up in just one person. But sometimes you have those friends who just get you. I have that. Between them and my twitch fam as a whole, I’ve just got some really amazing people in my life right now. I’m so, so, so unbelievably grateful for them.

Not doing the whole “oh I never blog any more” stuff, but for real, it’s been a little bit, how is everyone?

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