October Updates: Rediscovery

I haven’t thought about or tried to set goals — big or small — lately. I’ve been feeling lost lately. Going through the motions, with no real direction. Unsure of who I am, what makes me me. What I should be doing with my life.

Sometimes I wonder if I could just get myself back into my thesis research, things would be ok again. I know I need to do it, I know I know this information, yet I freeze every time I pull out my binder of sources and research. Am I terrified of finishing this degree and — what? Realize maybe I’m not a good anthropologist. That I won’t actually find a job in my chosen field. Then what? I put myself in all this debt for what reason?

I wonder if I could maybe find someone locally to hang out with, maybe this feeling of overwhelming loneliness will dissipate. Maybe, somewhere out there, there’s someone who will understand my awkwardness. Someone who will work with me, and be patient, as I try to be a better friend. To be more present. Fuck, maybe I just actually need to spend more time and figure out why I think I’m a terrible friend? How long have I been living with this narrative?

If we’re reaching back into the witchy-woo woo stuff, this is called Shadow Work. Your shadow self is that sometimes darker, unconscious self. It’s impulsive, emotional, raw. Shadow work called on the individual to honor and acknowledge these darker sides of ourself. These hurt, broken, damaged, scarred parts that too often society has taught us should be hidden away. I’ve put on my protective armor so often that I’ve kind of forgotten who the real me, the real Rini, is.

I’m trying to slow down. Rediscover myself. Rediscover what brought me joy. Find my path again. I’m journaling through it. Trying to recognize the small things. To focus more on being.

So that’s my October. That’s my now. Tell me about yours.