Back on the horse (or something maybe a little less euphemistic)

I go through phases with online dating. Most of the time I’m really indifferent towards it. It’s just a site I check when I’m bored, and I don’t invest any real time into it at all. With the semester ending, and realizing I still have another year here… I decided what the hell. Let’s make a tiny bit more of an effort.

I kind of know what I want from a relationship… but at the same time, I don’t really know if I want to get involved with anyone that may interfere with my future plans — i.e. leaving this state for museum jobs or a Ph.D. program. But as much as I really enjoy hanging out with my cohort and my roommates, I wouldn’t mind someone who is a little closer to my age and can fill some other needs that those people can’t (and shouldn’t).

One thing I have found is that the well of 30-something single guys in my area on okc is really dry. Enough so that in my past 3 years of living here, I just figured that’s dating in Indiana and thus I wouldn’t find any eligible non-rightwing guys to spend time with. Internationally, yes. The number of guys in Britain and Turkey who match up with me in the 90%-match range is pretty damn amazing. But I’m lucky to find time to get out of the state, so out of the country is not in the picture!

I’ve been on okc for what feels like forever. I met some really great friends in Chicago on that site. But, yeah, it really wasn’t doing anything for me recently. So… figured let’s just try another site. Or, app, really. And yes. I’m saying that I am now on Tinder.

Initial observations: There are a lot of dudes on Tinder for exactly the reasons you think they’re on Tinder. But you also do have a a fair number of guys looking for “serious” relationships (aka wife hunting). And in my age group a lot of single dads. And of course, a handful of couples looking for thirds. And also my childhood best friend from summer camp — who facebook is saying is still in a committed relationship. (He super liked me.) Yeah.

I swiped right because someone said they wanted to buy me burritos and call me beautiful. #priorities

I’ve met two guys on Tinder so far. I can’t call them dates because, yeah, they were not dates at all. I haven’t talked to the first guy again, but, really wasn’t expecting to. Consenting adults and we knew what we were agreeing to. The second guy and I are developing a friendship. We like each other, but acknowledge we’re not the perfect partner for the other and don’t want to keep each other for finding that person.

I’ve been talking to a small handful of guys consistently. I don’t know if it’s a 30s thing or maybe I’m just getting a really skewed sample size… but do guys just really jump in to calling women “babe” and “honey” so quickly now? I don’t remember that being a thing when I was dating in my 20s. I’ve also thought maybe it’s just guys not wanting to learn my name for whatever reason — I’ve been going to the same Starbucks for 3 years and they still don’t seem to care either!

Anyway. Both of my roommates are also active on dating sites currently, so it’s been fun to compare stories and share various gem of profiles we’ve found so far. I’m not expecting to — or evening looking for — “the one”… but I am hopeful for a few adventures at least!

Joining in — The Happy List

Kate recently posted her Happy List based on inspiration from a podcast she was listening to. It’s a simple thing, really… a “go-to list of things that make you (me) happy,” as Kate succinctly put it.

I actually started making a list like this earlier this year — and a few years ago I was writing one positive thing from each day in my journal. In living with depression, it can be hard to remember the small things that bring you joy. After a while, those small things add up. When you shift your focus to those positive things, no matter how big or small, they can make it easier to get through the dark times.

Kate made a list of 50 things, so that’s what I’m going to try for as well!*

  1. My cats: cuddling with them and how they always know when I need them, even if I don’t
  2. My nieces and nephew, especially how the twins light up and run full force to greet me
  3. Getting lost in a fictional world
  4. That sweet spot of spring weather where it’s warm, but not too hot, and the shade is cool enough you can wear a sweater if you want, but you don’t need it
  5. Adventures with the cohort, especially involving food and drink
  6. Twisted Twig’s Air Element room spray! It’s frankincense, vanilla, and sage and is my absolute favorite
  7. Cuddling on the couch
  8. Alexa responding when I tell her “thank you”
  9. Academic challenges and rushes
  10. Nerding out with my professors
  11. Late night conversations, that even though you’re tired you’re just not ready to end yet
  12. Warm brioche
  13. Other people’s dogs (I love getting visits from Boomer!)
  14. When you season a dish perfectly
  15. Seeing my home filled with pieces I’ve inherited from family
  16. Curling up in bed on a lazy morning
  17. Netflix binges
  18. Spending time with my siblings
  19. Anthropology – I’ve found my home!
  20. Long walks on trails
  21. When the music just matches that moment in your life perfectly
  22. Hot showers
  23. Trying new restaurants
  24. Champagne Toast candles from Bath & Bodyworks
  25. Car “shopping” with my brother
  26. Cats on instagram
  27. When I remember to hygge
  28. The ability to drink caffeine again without feeling like I’m dying (hello, Dr Pepper) 
  29. Back massages
  30. Almost all things lime or watermelon

*Ok. So I made it to 30 rather than 50. That just means 31-50 (or beyond) will be in another post. Giving me plenty of time to think of, remember, or discover things to add to my list!

What makes it on to your Happy List?

Catching up before summer!

Yes, this is one of those “wow a lot of things have happened!” posts.

I’m currently lounging on the couch in my freshly tidied apartment, waiting for one of my roommates to move back in. The past few summers, as some of you may remember, I’ve had roommates to help with the cost. I’ve lived with both of these women before — the very first summer I had roommates, actually — so I’m not expecting much difficulties. One of them, though, will be more than just a summer roommate. C, who’s lived with me the past two summers in a row, is moving in full-time. Our other roommate is here until her lease starts for her studio around the corner. As much as I’ve loved living alone and hermiting with the cats, it’ll be nice having C around as I finish out the last year of grad school.

I had originally hoped to have graduated yesterday… however, this is one of those “things happen for a reason” things… I switched my thesis topic at the beginning of the school year, and have been working on refining my focus and finishing my proposal. All of that has been completed — as all three members of my thesis committee and the graduate school have approved my research proposal! I’ve also secured one of my field sites, and will be beginning my research as soon as I finish IRB training (aka the office that allows you to work with human subjects).

Rather than graduating, yesterday, though, I spent the morning at a local farmer’s market selling my jewelry! I had a lot of really good response and have really enjoyed seeing what started as a small creative outlet to help me through my depression blossom into an actual small (ok, micro) business. I was really nervous not only about being a new vendor at this market, but just as a small vendor with my one tiny table and limited inventory. But the market went really well and was definitely a (profitable) success. I’ll be back every other week for most of the summer, and I’m really excited to be a part of it.

Mostly I’m going to be focusing on the market and my shop website/instagram. I’m going to close up the etsy for now. On my site, I can have more control and there’s no fees. And I still take paypal, so that makes things easier.

This past semester I focused on myself and my school work. I had a super successful academic conference presenting the introduction to my thesis work. I’m actually joining the executive board of the organizing society, too! While there’s been some bumps in this semester, I got some amazing feedback from one of my mentors who’s given me so much encouragement regarding my future in academia. There were some tough times with losing my grandma, and getting into a car accident that same weekend while taking her dog to her foster home… but I pulled through. I’ve had great support from my family, my professors, and my cohort (whom I’ve had so much fun hanging out with this semester!)…

I’m excited about this summer. I’ve got another research project that’s starting. Between that and another project I worked on in the fall, I should have two, maybe three, publications before I graduate! I’ve got trips to the UP of Michigan planned with friends. … And… in a few hours I’ll hopefully be confirming my date (!!!) for tonight!

So. Lovely internet friends: what are you looking forward to this summer?

It’s time

It’s been three months.

Life is starting to feel normal again. Not normal as in things are the same as they were before… But this new life that had to be forged… it feels normal now. The pain is mostly gone. The depression is out of the severe category. And to borrow a phrase from a show I’ve been marathoning, I’ve come to accept some of my “dark and twitsty”-ness of myself. I guess you can say I stopped mourning my former life, my former friends…

Therapy is helping. A lot. Medication is helping. A lot. I forced myself to move on with my life, and that, too, is helping. A lot. My family is helping, my cohorts at school are helping, my mentors, my cats, my friends… I survived this, but I didn’t get through it alone even if it felt that way sometimes.

These last few months I:

– (re)learned to forgive myself.

– unplugged from a lot of things, including also my gaming PC. I turned it off completely in December and it’s sat untouched since then. I’ve been using the time to focus on my wellbeing and also to focus on school. It was the best decision I’ve made lately.

– agreed to co-lead a panel and present at an academic conference this spring. The hotel is booked, travel authorization is requested, and transportation is sorted out. My paper, however… yeah… I really need to start that. (Whoops? I’ve got til late April. I’ll be ok. I have to be ok.)

– started reading my tarot cards again. I bought them over a year ago, but never made it a habit. It’s still not really, but that’s because for three weeks straight they gave me the same message. So I gave them a break so I could actually work on that item. I use tarot as a form of self reflection. And my deck is absolutely beautiful. The bigger problem is I’ve found a couple more beautiful decks and now I want them too.

– discovered a new hobby: jewelry making. This one is super recent. Like, yesterday. It’s taking a lot of restraint to not go out and buy more supplies and just make more necklaces for the rest of my waking hours.

– got to spend some quality time with family. We had a delayed holiday with my dad and sisters, but it was good getting to see everyone. It’s not easy trying to schedule 9 people to get together (not including those 12 and under, of which there are 4 now).

Other things that happened include trading my car in. I was hoping to sell the convertible this summer, but my mom found a Jeep she loves and so we used it as part of her downpayment for that, and I got her old car! It’s got more miles, but overall it’ll be a nice change and something to tide me over until I graduate (when I can get my own new car). On top of that I hit 30lbs lost since my surgery. Yes, just under half of that was from the depression when I stopped eating/was puking all the time, but you know what, I’m eating again and the weight continued to steadily go down — at a reasonable rate this time. And lastly, I’m doing really good work at my job. Tooting my own horn, it feels pretty great that things are going well there. That I made a good decision in this massive career-slash-life change.

It’s been three months.

It’s time. Time to continue moving forward.

Becoming the Monster

Life happens.

The last few months have been pretty damn shitty. I’m essentially only surviving on antidepressants, beta blockers to calm down my heart rate, and a whole heaping dose of escapism. In December, I lost 15+ lbs because I stopped eating. I was puking nearly every day from the reflux my anxiety was maxing out. I couldn’t leave my bedroom for a long time. I’m actually really surprised I finished out the semester.

I did this to myself.

I hurt my friends. One, especially. I lost a lot of my friends. Which saying “lost” makes it sound like we just got separated somewhere or I misplaced them… They lost their trust in me. I made mistakes. I was too blind to see the pain I was causing them. It hurts that some of them see me as this monster. But at the same time, I won’t deny their truths — their feelings are theirs and they feel them for reasons. I hurt them. And it destroys me.

I can’t say how sorry I am. I can’t fight for the relationships that are now gone. I can’t fight against some of the accusations they made. The hope I had that maybe everything would work itself out, that maybe they could forgive me… it’s gone.

I’ve only been on the antidepressants for a month. Just picked up my first refill. I think they’re working though. I’m not thinking that I don’t want to exist as much any more. I don’t want to die. I’m not suicidal. I just don’t want to exist. But as I said, I’m doing better on that front. It may seem crazy, but one of the things helping me get through is hygge. It’s the Danish concept of coziness and being content in the moment. I’ve been using it as a sort of self-healing aid. Rather than focusing on the pain or the overwhelming sadness, I try to focus on finding something good just in that moment. Sometimes that’s just sitting on the couch under the softest blanket in the house, watching silly movies, cuddling with the happiest, purring-iest cat. That moment? Yeah that moment makes me ok with existing.

I don’t know that things are going to get better. People always say that it will. Nothing really prepares you for this. You never think that you are the monster. That you can be capable of hurting the people you care most about. That to others, you are manipulative and abusive. And you will never know how all of that will absolutely destroy you. Shatter you. Knowing that you caused someone else that kind of pain. It’s my fault. And I have to live with that.

Five Months Later…

Today officially marks five months since my hysterectomy.

It’s been a little weird reflecting back on it. On one hand, it’s kind of amazing how different my life is from before the surgery, how much better I feel. But then again, there’s also this sameness. Occasionally I forget that I was ever so sick. It kind of makes me laugh that I can actually forget just how much my endo wrecked and controlled my life. “Healthy” was not something I could easily fathom. But here I am. Healthy.

Mostly, at least.

I keep forgetting that it’s only been five months. A little thing called fatigue likes to sneak up on me and remind me, though. The past couple weeks I’ve had some on and off crampy pain. It freaked me out a little, mild as it was — what if my endo was coming back? While I haven’t seen a specialist yet, I’m pretty sure a lot of this is just my body reminding me that we’re not quite healed yet and I need to (big shocker here) slow down.

Feeling so good, I thought I was ready to jump back into too many things. I spent most of Fall Break walking — 7.5 miles just on the last day. All those doctors and the women who’d had hysterectomies telling me it’d take 6-8 months just to feel normal again, and up to a year before the fatigue fully goes away… I didn’t listen. As great as I feel, my body is still recovery inside. I’m not really surprised, though, that I pushed too hard. If I was doing too much two weeks after surgery, of course I’d still be doing a bit too much five months later. (What can I say, this disease had taken about a decade from me.)

Outside of the fatigue, the hardest thing that I’ve still been struggling with are the lingering emotions regarding the implications of having a hysterectomy. I don’t regret the decision. It had gotten to the point where I wasn’t sure how I could live with this disease for 25-30 more years… To live with that much pain, struggling just to get through a day, unable to hold a job, and at my worst level of feeling unworthy of love. I wasn’t suicidal, I just didn’t want to be in pain any more. But at the same time I was planning this surgery with my doctors and my family… one of my younger sisters had just had her first child with her husband. Here was this person — my own blood — who’d married her college boyfriend, who was starting a family… Someone who had gotten everything I thought I wanted. And here I was, in pain every day, no job or school, extremely single, getting ready to remove the option of ever getting pregnant.

I had told myself for a couple years that I was ok with this. It’s sort of a testament to where I was emotionally and mentally, that I had just sort of settled in to this idea that I’d just be single forever. I had started becoming ok with the idea of adopting and being a single mom. Between the disease and emotional abuse from my past, I couldn’t fathom anyone wanting to be with someone so broken. But I wanted a family, so I would just do it myself. My biggest fear, though? That maybe, maybe, there would be someone who would see the real me and be like “yes! I choose her!” but because I had the hysterectomy wouldn’t give me a chance. … And everyone says, oh but this won’t really matter when it comes down to it… When people hear “hysterectomy” they assume everything is completely gone and biological kids are no longer an option. Which, for a total hysterectomy, that’s true. I still have my ovaries. I can have biological kids, I just can’t carry or give birth to them. It does make the whole having kids thing a little more complicated, with needing to plan for a surrogate, but it was important to me to keep my ovaries for that reason. I’m ok with adopting, but I didn’t necessarily want to force that on a partner as the only option.

This idea that I’m not whole, that I’m broken and unworthy, took root years ago. It wasn’t until a few years ago I really, and truly, began accepting and loving myself as I was — even if I felt that person was broken. I was ok with me. And I wasn’t going to let those feelings hold me back from a full life. These past five months I’ve gotten to feel like myself again, my true self. Despite the fears, the fatigue, the worries, my past… Despite all of that, I feel like I’ve been in a really good place. My body is finally starting to match my soul. And though they both might have scars, there’s a wholeness in that which is indescribable.

I just want to run, full speed with arms wide open. Metaphorically, for now, of course.

Back at it.

We are two weeks into this new academic year, and let me tell you, it has been a little bit of a whirlwind.

Coming back after taking a semester off provided a lot of challenges. We discovered issues in my financial aid (being over-awarded a couple years ago in my post-bacc work and only now having that be brought up). Having a lot of input regarding my course schedule from my professors. Getting a new advisor, who happens to be our new department chair. And the simple fact that it has only been three — three — months since I had major surgery. (Hi. I’m kind of exhausted.)

Oh. And yeah. The big one: we changed my entire thesis focus on the second day of the semester.

My new advisor was concerned with my schedule, and a lot of professors had opinions on which courses I should be taking and what was deemed a good use of my time. I respect their opinions tremendously, but I was starting to get overwhelmed. It seemed like everyone wanted me to drop one of the classes I really wanted to take. At the time, this course had nothing to do with my thesis topic, so I can see exactly where they were coming from. But I was stubborn. A month or so earlier I was having to justify the importance of my internship, and here I was defending a methods course for pretty much the same reason: to prepare me for a job, not a PhD. So after talking with my advisor, she pointed out that it seems pretty obvious that museum and museum related things are my passion — so why was that not my thesis focus?

Our department had essentially got rid of our museum program, so I was always just told we don’t do museum studies here. And we still technically don’t. But I had to make a choice: food studies or museums. When I finally was honest with myself, the answer was easy. It was my love of museums that brought me to this field, and as fun as a PhD sounds, I was always looking at museum jobs first.

We’re still working on the specifics of my research focus, but it’s coming together. It’s been this huge relief. As my mentor puts it, I’ve got a new old thesis now.

It’s good to be back on campus, even despite any frustrations because honestly they’re small and inconsequential. I’m excited about getting started on my new thesis work. I’m loving my internship. It’s great being back with my professors, and my new advisor is just a good fit for me. The faculty, department staff, and even the campus administration have all just been so supportive and helpful in my return. I’m ready to get this done. I’m not going to let anyone or anything derail me from this.

Kind of crazy to believe that at this point next year I should have that fancy piece of paper in my hands and be headed towards a new career.

Currently…

Feeling: Super tired and a little sick. Ate something that didn’t agree or some sort of weird summer stomach bug hit me… But other than that… I’ve hit 2-months post-hysterectomy. And in that regard? I. feel. amazing. No endo pain for 2 months? What’s that? I’d love it if the fatigue would go away for good. It’s a holdover from the surgery. But it’ll still another 4 months, at least, until my body is completely recovered from all of this. Between the surgery and just years and years of endo, there’s been a lot of trauma in my body. I just have to be patient with it while I heal.

Watching: On Netflix – Father Brown. On Hulu – Miranda. And of course, to no one’s surprise, I’m still spending most of my day on Twitch with friends. One friend streams about 10 hours a day on most weekdays, so I’m there a lot. Then I’ve got my Canadian friends who stream intermittently. My west coast dear friend, who keeps me up late at night so I can hangout with her. And then just a handful of other awesome people and friends that I try to catch whenever I can. There have definitely been times where I’ve had 4-5 different streams open at one. (Thank you, multi-twitch sites, for existing.)

Playing: I’ve been trying to save Breath of the Wild for streams, but I’m still going pretty decently at it. Also doing a lot of Stardew Valley now. I’m in my second year, have 4 chickens, 4 cows… and I’ve named them all for Twitch friends. We’re also doing some Golf With Friends in the evenings every so often. It’s a lot of yelling and chaos and I love every minute.

Listening To: Ok, so ignore the title… but the “In need of a hug” station on Google Play Music. Was kind of feeling meh one night, and gave it a go (remembering that I’d listened to it a long time ago and seemed to like it then)… and yeah, I just really like the artists they have on there. I do end up getting a lot of repetition on this playlist, but for now I’m ok with that.

Reading: Goodbye, Vitamin by Rachel Khong. Thanks to Kate, I signed up for Book of the Month Club… and so far I’m loving my picks. This one is broken up into small journal entries, so it really fits into my life right now. (And yes, that is a referral link so we both get goodies when you sign up.)

Working on: papers that should have been done a while ago. It’s been kind of hard getting myself to sit and work on them. I think half the issue is I’ve been stuck in my apartment since February… so this is not a place of focus or productivity. Now that my car’s working again (which also was down since February), I can head out and maybe get some work done elsewhere… However, my budget is a little borked because of my fall roommate changing her move in date twice now. (I get things come up, I don’t fault her for that… but now I have 2 months where I was expecting to split rent that I’ve had to pay for by myself.)

Thinking about: all the things I want to do with my stream!* Pre-my roommate changing her move-in date again, I bought an elgato game capture and a second monitor for my laptop. I love having the extra screen space. It’s definitely helping for a lot of things. However, now I want yet another monitor, another camera, a nice mic, new headphones, a better desk chair, and of course, a dedicated streaming/gaming PC. (Honestly, the PC would be top priority, but holy crap those things cost even more than my Mac did!)

Craving: motivation. I need to get some stuff done. But yeah. No can focus.

Looking forward to: getting my office set up on campus. Also working on events with some Twitch friends. Little over a week ago a friend and I hosted a Player Unknown’s Battlegrounds tournament. It was a little stressful at times, but it was so much fun. Now we’re looking at doing more events and I’m excited to where that’s going.

Making me happy: boys. lol. I mean, it’s more than that. But I just have to giggle that not really giving any time or all that much thought or interest in a particular person for like 3-5 years**, I now have two crushes. One of them knows. We talked recently and discussed how much we enjoy flirting with each other, but yeah, I really don’t think anything is actually going to come of any of this. There’s just a lot of other factors involved, and yeah, as much as any of that could be fun… realistically we’ll probably just stay friends who flirt a lot. Frankly it’s been a nice distraction from every thing else. As for the other one? Not sure if he knows. I’ve just sort of been letting that one happen slowly. If an occasion comes up where it would feel ok to just say “hey, I like you,” then maybe I will. But for now, I’m ok with him just being an attractive friend. They’re both great guys.

And quite honestly, as much as the crushes amuse me… It’s my Twitch Fam that’s really been making me happy. After 20SB died out — and ok, yeah, I withdrew before it actually closed — I’d been kind of sad about not having my community. I tried other blogger groups and stuff, but nothing really clicked as much as I wanted. But my twitch group? Those are my people. My core group is small, but I’m ok with that. They are people I care about, and people who care about me. A few of us have been talking about doing some trips together. There’s talks of hockey games, airsoft weekends, and even Vegas.

How’s summer going for everyone so far?

*I made Twitch Affiliate a few weeks ago. I would really love to find a way to increase the amount of streams I do, but I’m a little nervous about that with school coming up. I just need to figure out my schedule and try to stick with that.
**For real though, yeah.. it’s been a real long time before I’ve actually gotten excited about a guy. And to suddenly be excited about two different guys? Yeah… thanks universe. But yay for having decent AND attractive guys in my life?

On fragility, abuse, and trying to let go

Last night I had my first real big ugly cry since before my surgery. And it had absolutely nothing to do with the surgery or anything that comes with not having a uterus any more.

Ok, maybe a tiny little bit did, but only a tiny bit.

It’s all because I like a guy and I let some bad stuff from my past seep in and take root in my head.

I haven’t had a crush in a long while. Not like, a crush crush. It’s one of those things where I’ve kind of always found this guy friend attractive, and then the more I got to know him, the more I liked him. I’m trying to be logical through the whole thing — he’s one of my online friends, so we haven’t even met in person, nor do I even know how he feels about me or anything if he’s even thought about me that way… just because I like him doesn’t mean he likes me.

But you really can’t logic your way out of a crush.

My last relationships/attempt at a relationship/whatever it was, was not healthy. I had gotten involved with one of my guy friends, and developed major feelings for him. He would go from telling me how beautiful I was to saying that we couldn’t date because we both sort of worked together. He would wrap his arms around me and tell me how lucky he was that I chose him, to telling me he was never once attracted to me. We’d hook up, to him majorly going after another girl right in front of me. He drank. A lot. At least once while he was driving. Somehow despite all that terrible shit, I still thought maybe I’d be enough for him and that he’d choose me, and only me. Then he got this other girl that he had started seeing, like actually dating, pregnant. He’s apparently cleaned up his life a lot since then… but… the damage he did to me was done.

So I spent the wee hours of last night sobbing because I’m afraid to let myself like someone again. Crying out because I just want someone who will find me beautiful as I am* — someone who will choose me.

I hate that this asshole from my past got in my head. That someone who I have moved on from still has an affect on me. While I’ve found some great happiness in myself since then, and I’m excited about where my life is going… I’d be lying if I said a little part of me didn’t want someone to share that with. I’m enjoying getting to know this guy. And yes, the logical part of me is and will be find that nothing is likely to come of this… It’s just that crush part which is all “I want to kiss his face.” Sigh. And logic side can’t argue because, hey, he is cute.

BLERGH. Why are crushes in your 30s still a thing.

A lot of this is holdover stuff from my endometriosis. The medicine I was on caused me to gain weight, and as I’ve talked about a few times, endo is the type of disease that sort of makes you feel broken as a woman. I had the same hold ups when choosing to have a hysterectomy as a single woman. I know there is no perfect weight or size, and that my body just is my body how it is in the moment.

How are birthdays supposed to go again?

Do I blog birthdays? How is this all supposed to go again? Does this mean I’m getting old?

Tuesday was my birthday, and to celebrate turning 33… I did pretty much nothing.

Ok, that’s not 100% true, but still. This was pretty much one of the most low-key (ie, kind of boring) birthdays I’ve had in recent memory. So, yeah, the “not good luck” with birthdays thing is one thing… This wasn’t that. We just didn’t really plan anything this year. I got texts or calls from all of my parents, and all but one of my siblings. I spent the day on Twitch watching video games, watched the Nintendo E3 spotlight, and then ended the night ordering a pizza. I got the typical facebook messages, and a few gaming friends sent some games. Went to bed and that was it.

The Saturday before, though, my dad, stepmom, brother & his girlfriend, three nieces, and three of my four sisters took me out to eat. (And if you’re counting, including myself, that’s 11 people.) Nothing fancy, and we didn’t even bug the waitstaff to get me a free dessert at the cost of mildly embarrassing singing. Afterward we all came back to my apartment, to my roommates’ surprise. My dad and brother fixed my vaccuum. The twins (3 1/2 years old) bombarded my roommates. And my cats hid the entire time.

And that’s been it in regards to any “celebrating.” My gram sent over a cake — a cherry & pineapple cake with walnuts and coconut (tasted good, but… not my thing). Both of my roommates forgot until sometime late in the evening — prompted mainly because I was getting a lot of texts and phone calls. “Wow, you’re popular tonight.” “Yeah, I wonder why…” 

My mom and I will still go out to eat, maybe tonight or tomorrow. And that’ll basically conclude any attempts at “birthday-ing.” The last two years, I’ve gone out to my favorite Chinese place for dumplings. First with my family, then the next year with friends from school. Not sure if I’ll get dumplings this year — though, boy do I love them! But if it’s just going to be my mom and I? I might go for steak maybe. Or maybe the good Thai place. Regardless, I want to stop by the local bakery and get myself either a massive cupcake or a maple bacon donut.

Because no matter how low-key a birthday is… you need some sort of pastry to celebrate for it to be official.

* I also got some Halo Top birthday cake ice cream. Which was just ok. Didn’t get a big cake-y taste… also, is it supposed to have sprinkles or something in it? I’ve seen 2.

** Also, with this being a Recovery Birthday, the low-key thing isn’t really a surprise. But yeah. Still kind of boring.