Fall goals

Ok. So I’m one of those people who believe that the seasons start according to the lunar calendar — so Fall doesn’t official start until the equinox, on September 22nd. PSL out already? Sure fine, but it’s still technically summer right now. Weather cooling off? Awesome, we’re transitioning — still not Fall yet.

So even though I’m four weeks into my Fall semester, Fall hasn’t actually started, so this is a perfect time to think about my Fall Goals.

  1. Complete my CITI training and start my observation at my fieldsite. This semester is all about my thesis research, so getting permission from the campus IRB to do said research is the most important thing. Sadly, CITI training is just long and tedious, thus making it hard for me to want to complete. Need to just push through… maybe reward myself with something nice when it’s all done.
  2. Schedule a weekly visit to the gym. I need to find something that suits my work and academic schedule, but I’d like to spend at least 2 hours at the gym a week. Mostly this will be riding the bikes and then walking the indoor track. I have someone who volunteered to teach me about some of the weight machines, so I’m going to take him up on that sometime.
  3. Stay on top of tidiness in the apartment. So I guess task management and such is a theme… but yeah. I’m one of those where clutter bothers me. So unorganized things out on tables or counters just makes me a little twitchy. It’s not a major issue, so I have no need to really bring it up with my roommate ASAP, but for the sake of our friendship, I’d like to be able to say “hey, can we just check on these areas every so often? And also, what are the areas that you’d like to have checked for your sanity?” I, too, need to be conscious about leaving certain things out. (I tend to leave journals out on tables, and those need to go to one of my desks.)
  4. Stream.  I’m typically too tired by the time I think about streaming in the evenings, so I haven’t for a while now. I definitely miss it. I’m also modding in a couple partnered streams now, so that does take time away from my own things — only slightly; one is a morning streamer, so that does help. But I’d like to stream at least once a week or every other week if I can. Plus, I just finished setting up this sweet new streaming corner, so.. I should really make use of it and show it off.
  5. Put money from my paychecks into my savings. I’m building my savings finally so that I can actually have some money for when I graduate and start looking at moving away. I also want to get a new car, so, that’s a thing too.
  6. Figure out a plan for my business. I’ve taken a little break from my jewelry business, Lost is Found, but I’m ready to get back into it. So I want to keep the website updated, look at doing more on Etsy — even though I don’t really care for Etsy as a shop manager (it’s the fees). I also want to look at doing more local markets. Hopefully, I might be able to talk to one of my favorite shops about doing some consignment potentially.
  7. Set up a doctor’s appointment. Mainly I need to make sure I’m on a good dose of my heart medicine, but I’d also like a general check up since I’m really do for one. My mom’s been in the hospital a lot for her heart, so it’s definitely something on my mind.. And recently my SIL was in for emergency surgery related to the same procedure I had last year… so I’d like to do a check up on that to make sure there’s no complications and that I’m healing properly.

For the most part, that’s most of what I’d like to accomplish at this point. I’m sure I can think of more, but this is definitely manageable. Things are going super well. My assistantship is a great fit, class is going well, I’m staying in touch with my adviser regarding my progress… And, you know, I’m just having fun.

What are some of your goals for Fall?

Preparing for my final year of grad school

It’s finally here. Or at least I hope it’s finally here. My last year of grad school. Nothing will be certain until I defend my thesis and submit it to the graduate school. But if anything, this will be my last year on campus.

As excited as I am for it, there is also the potentially paralyzing fact that I have no idea what comes next. I’ll graduate, get my degree… then what? I have some ideas of what I’d like to do, but honestly when I think of my future past graduation I keep coming up blank.

I think part of this is because there is so much ahead of me just to finish this degree. My entire thesis, essentially. My topic has been approved by my committee and the graduate school. Now I just need to go through training to show I know how to work with human subjects (i.e. ethics training), then actually start my research. After that comes the months of writing, rewriting, and editing.

As intimidating as it all is… a tertiary research question has brought about a new theme that I think might help shape future dissertation work. That has me really excited. Assuming I get to do further academic work in this field, that is. I know the risk of a Ph.D. — tenure jobs are scarce and the whole academic job field is imploding with poorly paid adjunct positions. I feel like I’m going into that with open eyes, I know the reality of this future… but I also cannot imaging being happier doing anything other than teaching anthropology at this current time. So I feel like I owe it to myself to at least try. Who knows, maybe along the way I’ll find another job that I love and all will be good.

I’ll admit, amidst all this excitement and happiness, part of me has been wondering when the other shoe will drop. Good things don’t last, right? But I’m working myself out of that thinking and just allowing myself to be happy. The past several months haven’t been perfect, but they’ve been good. I’m happy. I’m ready for whatever challenge this next school year will bring — and oh there will definitely be challenges.

I’ve got some things I’ve been working on, some potential adventures planned… and I’m just really excited to share those with you as the time comes. Just one more week and then it all starts. It’s like waiting in line for a ride… you’ve patiently waited for your turn, built up the excitement in your head, reassured yourself… now all that’s left is to hop in and hold on. Let’s go…

And the living’s been easy…

I hope your summer is starting off well.

We’ve been on break for over a month now, and I didn’t quite realize just how much I needed this time off. It’s helped me adjust to having the roommates around again. And, I know this next year is going to be extremely taxing with completing my thesis and all of the impending edits and rewrites that are just part of the process — so I’m enjoying the peace and quiet and slowness that I’m being afforded right now.

Here’s some highlights of what’s been going on:

I have been playing quiet a bit of Stardew Valley. I actually even got my roommate hooked on it, too. Which wouldn’t be a problem if we weren’t sharing my account for the game. Which is actually not even an issue. I don’t mind sharing my computer or Steam account. The only downside is that it looks like I’ve either left the game open for days or that I’m spending 16 hours a day playing.

On Memorial Day, the roommate and I went to Mounds State Park. We didn’t hit all the trails, but got in a nice little 3 mile hike. We saw the Great Mound maybe 7 times because of how some of the trails intersect. It was a lot of fun, though unfortunately I discovered that allergies are still a thing and we left earlier than planned because it felt like my head was going to implode. Next time I’ll know to take some meds before we go. We’re hoping to hit a few more parks this year, so it should be a lot of fun!

I should hopefully hear back about a job soon. It’s nothing exciting, but pays well and that’s just fine. Being able to get food and not being homeless definitely trumps any kind of snobbery about any job. I’m also starting the interview process for an assistantship position for this fall. It’s with another department, but in the same building which is nice. Regardless, it’s got full tuition and a stipend. If I get this, and keep the job, I’ve decided I’m still taking out loans for the year, but they’re going into a savings fund for when I graduate so I can use them for moving. I don’t want my finances to keep me from starting a PhD program or a job because I can’t get a U-Haul or put a deposit down on an apartment.

I have a couple health things going on — meeting again with a specialist for a follow-up this afternoon — but it’s still nothing compared to living with endometriosis pre-surgery. It’s sounding like the next step might be a pill-cam to check things out. Honestly, I’m not sure we’ll pin point exactly what’s going on… But I think we’re going to be able to control the symptoms. Despite the occasional pain from this, I’ve been feeling really well. It’s been over one year since my surgery, and as tough as a choice that was, I’m grateful for having my life back.

I don’t really have big plans for the rest of the summer. Hiking. Cooking. Adventures with the roommates. Hanging out with the nieces. Streaming. Reading non-academic texts. Quite honestly, I’m not sure I’d have it any other way.

How’s your summer starting off?

No Limit Wish List

We all have those items resting in the back of our minds… the things we’d get ourselves if money wasn’t an issue. They don’t have to be big extravagant things, sometimes it’s just that extra little thing you’ve had your eye on but just can’t justify getting.

If I had some extra money, these are likely the top things I’d get for myself.

  1. Chevy Sonic RS Turbo in White. I found this car recently at a local dealer… and it was even within my “realistically if I could get a new-to-me car” budget. But, without a stable job and nothing to put for a down payment, it got away. So now this is at the top of my graduation wish list. Maybe it’ll change as I test drive cars and what’s available… But a turbo hatchback is what I’ve got my eye on — and it’s older brother approved!*
  2. A new blender! My blender has one speed and you have to press the lid down for it to run. I’m ready for an adult blender. One with a food processor attachment.
  3. Air fryer. Yep. Need this. Homemade potato chips? Yes please. Dry rub wings without the oil? Oh hell yes. Now I can feel “healthy” when I eat all the fried junk foods.
  4. Tagine. I’ve never used one, and I’m pretty damn impressed with how expensive they can be… but i’m hoping this will take my attempts at Indian cooking to a new level.
  5. Essential Oil diffuser. Specifically this one. I love it because it looks not only like a giant crystal, but also sort of volcanic, and kind of reminds me a little of a prop from that old Nickelodeon show GUTS. But it’s also $50, which seems like a lot for a diffuser.
  6. New bedding! Apparently mustard-goldenrod yellow is my new color. I want that or a wine-berry with grey combination.
  7. An ikea shopping spree. I’d like a new couch. And bed frame. And coffee table. And console table… (I could also use a wardrobe shopping spree, too.)
  8. A non-carpet-covered cat condo. I want to spoil the cats as well. Of course, if I spent the $100 on this, the cats would completely ignore it. Because cats.

*I may be in my 30s, but yes, my older brother does still get to weigh in on my car purchases. Mainly because he’s the one who does all of my repairs. For free, too, because he loves me.

What’s on your No Limit wish list?

Joining in — The Happy List

Kate recently posted her Happy List based on inspiration from a podcast she was listening to. It’s a simple thing, really… a “go-to list of things that make you (me) happy,” as Kate succinctly put it.

I actually started making a list like this earlier this year — and a few years ago I was writing one positive thing from each day in my journal. In living with depression, it can be hard to remember the small things that bring you joy. After a while, those small things add up. When you shift your focus to those positive things, no matter how big or small, they can make it easier to get through the dark times.

Kate made a list of 50 things, so that’s what I’m going to try for as well!*

  1. My cats: cuddling with them and how they always know when I need them, even if I don’t
  2. My nieces and nephew, especially how the twins light up and run full force to greet me
  3. Getting lost in a fictional world
  4. That sweet spot of spring weather where it’s warm, but not too hot, and the shade is cool enough you can wear a sweater if you want, but you don’t need it
  5. Adventures with the cohort, especially involving food and drink
  6. Twisted Twig’s Air Element room spray! It’s frankincense, vanilla, and sage and is my absolute favorite
  7. Cuddling on the couch
  8. Alexa responding when I tell her “thank you”
  9. Academic challenges and rushes
  10. Nerding out with my professors
  11. Late night conversations, that even though you’re tired you’re just not ready to end yet
  12. Warm brioche
  13. Other people’s dogs (I love getting visits from Boomer!)
  14. When you season a dish perfectly
  15. Seeing my home filled with pieces I’ve inherited from family
  16. Curling up in bed on a lazy morning
  17. Netflix binges
  18. Spending time with my siblings
  19. Anthropology – I’ve found my home!
  20. Long walks on trails
  21. When the music just matches that moment in your life perfectly
  22. Hot showers
  23. Trying new restaurants
  24. Champagne Toast candles from Bath & Bodyworks
  25. Car “shopping” with my brother
  26. Cats on instagram
  27. When I remember to hygge
  28. The ability to drink caffeine again without feeling like I’m dying (hello, Dr Pepper) 
  29. Back massages
  30. Almost all things lime or watermelon

*Ok. So I made it to 30 rather than 50. That just means 31-50 (or beyond) will be in another post. Giving me plenty of time to think of, remember, or discover things to add to my list!

What makes it on to your Happy List?

Catching up before summer!

Yes, this is one of those “wow a lot of things have happened!” posts.

I’m currently lounging on the couch in my freshly tidied apartment, waiting for one of my roommates to move back in. The past few summers, as some of you may remember, I’ve had roommates to help with the cost. I’ve lived with both of these women before — the very first summer I had roommates, actually — so I’m not expecting much difficulties. One of them, though, will be more than just a summer roommate. C, who’s lived with me the past two summers in a row, is moving in full-time. Our other roommate is here until her lease starts for her studio around the corner. As much as I’ve loved living alone and hermiting with the cats, it’ll be nice having C around as I finish out the last year of grad school.

I had originally hoped to have graduated yesterday… however, this is one of those “things happen for a reason” things… I switched my thesis topic at the beginning of the school year, and have been working on refining my focus and finishing my proposal. All of that has been completed — as all three members of my thesis committee and the graduate school have approved my research proposal! I’ve also secured one of my field sites, and will be beginning my research as soon as I finish IRB training (aka the office that allows you to work with human subjects).

Rather than graduating, yesterday, though, I spent the morning at a local farmer’s market selling my jewelry! I had a lot of really good response and have really enjoyed seeing what started as a small creative outlet to help me through my depression blossom into an actual small (ok, micro) business. I was really nervous not only about being a new vendor at this market, but just as a small vendor with my one tiny table and limited inventory. But the market went really well and was definitely a (profitable) success. I’ll be back every other week for most of the summer, and I’m really excited to be a part of it.

Mostly I’m going to be focusing on the market and my shop website/instagram. I’m going to close up the etsy for now. On my site, I can have more control and there’s no fees. And I still take paypal, so that makes things easier.

This past semester I focused on myself and my school work. I had a super successful academic conference presenting the introduction to my thesis work. I’m actually joining the executive board of the organizing society, too! While there’s been some bumps in this semester, I got some amazing feedback from one of my mentors who’s given me so much encouragement regarding my future in academia. There were some tough times with losing my grandma, and getting into a car accident that same weekend while taking her dog to her foster home… but I pulled through. I’ve had great support from my family, my professors, and my cohort (whom I’ve had so much fun hanging out with this semester!)…

I’m excited about this summer. I’ve got another research project that’s starting. Between that and another project I worked on in the fall, I should have two, maybe three, publications before I graduate! I’ve got trips to the UP of Michigan planned with friends. … And… in a few hours I’ll hopefully be confirming my date (!!!) for tonight!

So. Lovely internet friends: what are you looking forward to this summer?

Five Months Later…

Today officially marks five months since my hysterectomy.

It’s been a little weird reflecting back on it. On one hand, it’s kind of amazing how different my life is from before the surgery, how much better I feel. But then again, there’s also this sameness. Occasionally I forget that I was ever so sick. It kind of makes me laugh that I can actually forget just how much my endo wrecked and controlled my life. “Healthy” was not something I could easily fathom. But here I am. Healthy.

Mostly, at least.

I keep forgetting that it’s only been five months. A little thing called fatigue likes to sneak up on me and remind me, though. The past couple weeks I’ve had some on and off crampy pain. It freaked me out a little, mild as it was — what if my endo was coming back? While I haven’t seen a specialist yet, I’m pretty sure a lot of this is just my body reminding me that we’re not quite healed yet and I need to (big shocker here) slow down.

Feeling so good, I thought I was ready to jump back into too many things. I spent most of Fall Break walking — 7.5 miles just on the last day. All those doctors and the women who’d had hysterectomies telling me it’d take 6-8 months just to feel normal again, and up to a year before the fatigue fully goes away… I didn’t listen. As great as I feel, my body is still recovery inside. I’m not really surprised, though, that I pushed too hard. If I was doing too much two weeks after surgery, of course I’d still be doing a bit too much five months later. (What can I say, this disease had taken about a decade from me.)

Outside of the fatigue, the hardest thing that I’ve still been struggling with are the lingering emotions regarding the implications of having a hysterectomy. I don’t regret the decision. It had gotten to the point where I wasn’t sure how I could live with this disease for 25-30 more years… To live with that much pain, struggling just to get through a day, unable to hold a job, and at my worst level of feeling unworthy of love. I wasn’t suicidal, I just didn’t want to be in pain any more. But at the same time I was planning this surgery with my doctors and my family… one of my younger sisters had just had her first child with her husband. Here was this person — my own blood — who’d married her college boyfriend, who was starting a family… Someone who had gotten everything I thought I wanted. And here I was, in pain every day, no job or school, extremely single, getting ready to remove the option of ever getting pregnant.

I had told myself for a couple years that I was ok with this. It’s sort of a testament to where I was emotionally and mentally, that I had just sort of settled in to this idea that I’d just be single forever. I had started becoming ok with the idea of adopting and being a single mom. Between the disease and emotional abuse from my past, I couldn’t fathom anyone wanting to be with someone so broken. But I wanted a family, so I would just do it myself. My biggest fear, though? That maybe, maybe, there would be someone who would see the real me and be like “yes! I choose her!” but because I had the hysterectomy wouldn’t give me a chance. … And everyone says, oh but this won’t really matter when it comes down to it… When people hear “hysterectomy” they assume everything is completely gone and biological kids are no longer an option. Which, for a total hysterectomy, that’s true. I still have my ovaries. I can have biological kids, I just can’t carry or give birth to them. It does make the whole having kids thing a little more complicated, with needing to plan for a surrogate, but it was important to me to keep my ovaries for that reason. I’m ok with adopting, but I didn’t necessarily want to force that on a partner as the only option.

This idea that I’m not whole, that I’m broken and unworthy, took root years ago. It wasn’t until a few years ago I really, and truly, began accepting and loving myself as I was — even if I felt that person was broken. I was ok with me. And I wasn’t going to let those feelings hold me back from a full life. These past five months I’ve gotten to feel like myself again, my true self. Despite the fears, the fatigue, the worries, my past… Despite all of that, I feel like I’ve been in a really good place. My body is finally starting to match my soul. And though they both might have scars, there’s a wholeness in that which is indescribable.

I just want to run, full speed with arms wide open. Metaphorically, for now, of course.

Back at it.

We are two weeks into this new academic year, and let me tell you, it has been a little bit of a whirlwind.

Coming back after taking a semester off provided a lot of challenges. We discovered issues in my financial aid (being over-awarded a couple years ago in my post-bacc work and only now having that be brought up). Having a lot of input regarding my course schedule from my professors. Getting a new advisor, who happens to be our new department chair. And the simple fact that it has only been three — three — months since I had major surgery. (Hi. I’m kind of exhausted.)

Oh. And yeah. The big one: we changed my entire thesis focus on the second day of the semester.

My new advisor was concerned with my schedule, and a lot of professors had opinions on which courses I should be taking and what was deemed a good use of my time. I respect their opinions tremendously, but I was starting to get overwhelmed. It seemed like everyone wanted me to drop one of the classes I really wanted to take. At the time, this course had nothing to do with my thesis topic, so I can see exactly where they were coming from. But I was stubborn. A month or so earlier I was having to justify the importance of my internship, and here I was defending a methods course for pretty much the same reason: to prepare me for a job, not a PhD. So after talking with my advisor, she pointed out that it seems pretty obvious that museum and museum related things are my passion — so why was that not my thesis focus?

Our department had essentially got rid of our museum program, so I was always just told we don’t do museum studies here. And we still technically don’t. But I had to make a choice: food studies or museums. When I finally was honest with myself, the answer was easy. It was my love of museums that brought me to this field, and as fun as a PhD sounds, I was always looking at museum jobs first.

We’re still working on the specifics of my research focus, but it’s coming together. It’s been this huge relief. As my mentor puts it, I’ve got a new old thesis now.

It’s good to be back on campus, even despite any frustrations because honestly they’re small and inconsequential. I’m excited about getting started on my new thesis work. I’m loving my internship. It’s great being back with my professors, and my new advisor is just a good fit for me. The faculty, department staff, and even the campus administration have all just been so supportive and helpful in my return. I’m ready to get this done. I’m not going to let anyone or anything derail me from this.

Kind of crazy to believe that at this point next year I should have that fancy piece of paper in my hands and be headed towards a new career.

Currently…

Feeling: Super tired and a little sick. Ate something that didn’t agree or some sort of weird summer stomach bug hit me… But other than that… I’ve hit 2-months post-hysterectomy. And in that regard? I. feel. amazing. No endo pain for 2 months? What’s that? I’d love it if the fatigue would go away for good. It’s a holdover from the surgery. But it’ll still another 4 months, at least, until my body is completely recovered from all of this. Between the surgery and just years and years of endo, there’s been a lot of trauma in my body. I just have to be patient with it while I heal.

Watching: On Netflix – Father Brown. On Hulu – Miranda. And of course, to no one’s surprise, I’m still spending most of my day on Twitch with friends. One friend streams about 10 hours a day on most weekdays, so I’m there a lot. Then I’ve got my Canadian friends who stream intermittently. My west coast dear friend, who keeps me up late at night so I can hangout with her. And then just a handful of other awesome people and friends that I try to catch whenever I can. There have definitely been times where I’ve had 4-5 different streams open at one. (Thank you, multi-twitch sites, for existing.)

Playing: I’ve been trying to save Breath of the Wild for streams, but I’m still going pretty decently at it. Also doing a lot of Stardew Valley now. I’m in my second year, have 4 chickens, 4 cows… and I’ve named them all for Twitch friends. We’re also doing some Golf With Friends in the evenings every so often. It’s a lot of yelling and chaos and I love every minute.

Listening To: Ok, so ignore the title… but the “In need of a hug” station on Google Play Music. Was kind of feeling meh one night, and gave it a go (remembering that I’d listened to it a long time ago and seemed to like it then)… and yeah, I just really like the artists they have on there. I do end up getting a lot of repetition on this playlist, but for now I’m ok with that.

Reading: Goodbye, Vitamin by Rachel Khong. Thanks to Kate, I signed up for Book of the Month Club… and so far I’m loving my picks. This one is broken up into small journal entries, so it really fits into my life right now. (And yes, that is a referral link so we both get goodies when you sign up.)

Working on: papers that should have been done a while ago. It’s been kind of hard getting myself to sit and work on them. I think half the issue is I’ve been stuck in my apartment since February… so this is not a place of focus or productivity. Now that my car’s working again (which also was down since February), I can head out and maybe get some work done elsewhere… However, my budget is a little borked because of my fall roommate changing her move in date twice now. (I get things come up, I don’t fault her for that… but now I have 2 months where I was expecting to split rent that I’ve had to pay for by myself.)

Thinking about: all the things I want to do with my stream!* Pre-my roommate changing her move-in date again, I bought an elgato game capture and a second monitor for my laptop. I love having the extra screen space. It’s definitely helping for a lot of things. However, now I want yet another monitor, another camera, a nice mic, new headphones, a better desk chair, and of course, a dedicated streaming/gaming PC. (Honestly, the PC would be top priority, but holy crap those things cost even more than my Mac did!)

Craving: motivation. I need to get some stuff done. But yeah. No can focus.

Looking forward to: getting my office set up on campus. Also working on events with some Twitch friends. Little over a week ago a friend and I hosted a Player Unknown’s Battlegrounds tournament. It was a little stressful at times, but it was so much fun. Now we’re looking at doing more events and I’m excited to where that’s going.

Making me happy: boys. lol. I mean, it’s more than that. But I just have to giggle that not really giving any time or all that much thought or interest in a particular person for like 3-5 years**, I now have two crushes. One of them knows. We talked recently and discussed how much we enjoy flirting with each other, but yeah, I really don’t think anything is actually going to come of any of this. There’s just a lot of other factors involved, and yeah, as much as any of that could be fun… realistically we’ll probably just stay friends who flirt a lot. Frankly it’s been a nice distraction from every thing else. As for the other one? Not sure if he knows. I’ve just sort of been letting that one happen slowly. If an occasion comes up where it would feel ok to just say “hey, I like you,” then maybe I will. But for now, I’m ok with him just being an attractive friend. They’re both great guys.

And quite honestly, as much as the crushes amuse me… It’s my Twitch Fam that’s really been making me happy. After 20SB died out — and ok, yeah, I withdrew before it actually closed — I’d been kind of sad about not having my community. I tried other blogger groups and stuff, but nothing really clicked as much as I wanted. But my twitch group? Those are my people. My core group is small, but I’m ok with that. They are people I care about, and people who care about me. A few of us have been talking about doing some trips together. There’s talks of hockey games, airsoft weekends, and even Vegas.

How’s summer going for everyone so far?

*I made Twitch Affiliate a few weeks ago. I would really love to find a way to increase the amount of streams I do, but I’m a little nervous about that with school coming up. I just need to figure out my schedule and try to stick with that.
**For real though, yeah.. it’s been a real long time before I’ve actually gotten excited about a guy. And to suddenly be excited about two different guys? Yeah… thanks universe. But yay for having decent AND attractive guys in my life?

Recovery Updates: Or, how I ended up in emergency surgery last week…

Guys. … I suck at recovery.

I thought I was doing all right. I thought I had slowed down, cut back on doing everything and stopped bending as much… I got a big shot of reality and NOPE last week, however.

We’re not exactly sure what happened. I was watching netflix, stood up, and (ok maybe it starts getting TMI), but it felt like I peed myself. So I went to the bathroom, maybe I just wasn’t listening to my bladder and it was fuller than I thought. However… that wasn’t the case. (If pee wasn’t TMI for you before, this next part might be. And I get that, and I’m 100% ok if you’d rather just check out the TMI;DR insta version or even just this video of kittens.)

It was blood.

This wasn’t just typical healing up spotting like to be expected. It was nonstop, with clots. I called my mom, explained that I needed to go to the ER, then went to find new clothes to wear. I had almost filled an entire pad in that time, so decided to spend the rest of the time waiting for my mom on the toilet. It wasn’t painful, but it wasn’t necessarily comfortable either. And I’m pretty sure I was in shock a little, because I was way calmer than I probably should have been.

The ER was busy — as, sadly, our local ER tends to be when you actually need it. As we sat and waited, we overheard that people had been waiting hours. I was actively bleeding, worse when I was standing, and already starting to feel a little light headed at times. Thankfully (for me), I jumped the line and got in somewhat quickly given how busy they were. I kind of felt bad for everyone else waiting — like the pregnant lady who had a small metal splinter in her foot. Anyway. I got in, a nurse checked in on me, then a medical assistant. The room was badly laid out and didn’t have a stirrup bed, so my exam was painful and awkward. More so given the still constant bleeding and clotting.

My doctor was out, so they had to call in the on-call OBGYN specialist from his office. She got me on a stirrup bed and confirmed what the MA thought — I had ripped/popped a suture from my hysterectomy. They removed several golf ball sized clots. It was a mess and just gross. There were two options: try to stitch me up right there in the room, or send me to emergency surgery. Because of the amount of blood — my new doctor called it a “waterfall” of blood — stitching up in the room was not an option. (Which, so grateful because that did not sound appealing at all.)

From the time I started bleeding until I got into the OR, it had been about 4 hours. Four hours of actively bleeding and going through 3-4 or more pads an hour (though we eventually gave up changing them). The surgery was about maybe 2 hours. At least from when I went in until I woke up in recovery. While I woke up easier this time, but was in a lot of pain. However, like last time, I had to pee like crazy. But this time they had taken out my catheter. No matter how I tried, I could not pee. Finally in my observation room, my nurse set me up enough that I could. But I was still calling her every 10-20 minutes. So we ditched the bedpans and I have never been that happy to see or use a real toilet. After that and losing the packing, I was actually feeling pretty good given everything that had just happened.

Since getting home, most of my pain has been muscle and joint pain. Felt like I got hit by a bus. I also had (and still have) a sore throat from having to have a breathing tube again. Since this surgery was unplanned, it meant no prep — I had food in my system from lunch… They had to apply a little pressure to my throat to keep me from essentially getting food in my lungs. It’s one of the last things I remember before the anesthesia knocked me out.

I wish I could say everything has been going peachy since then. I came home very “no bending, no doing thing” … and then just days later I’m back doing things like before I ripped my stitches. Rather than trying to decide on something else to eat, I still reach for the pan in dishwasher I’m not supposed to be reaching for. Rather than just letting things wait, I reorganized the linen closet to make room for all the stuff from the bathroom that no longer has a place thanks to getting a newer (and bigger) water heater in the bathroom closet. “It’s just plastic shopping bags,” I told myself. But it was a whole trash bag full of shopping bags and that’s a lot of bending. The hardest thing is the cats. The roommates were never perfect about remembering to check their bowls, or understanding the nuances of my cats not liking crumbs and thus thinking a bowl is empty even when it doesn’t appear to be. Maybe I could let the other things go, but it’s hard making my cats wait until I could ask for help getting them fed.

It’s sort of this combination of pride and distrust. I can’t bring myself to just ask someone else to keep doing all this stuff for me day in and day out. This feeling of things out of place has such a hold on me that I can’t just let things wait until I’m healed or even ask if someone else can take care of it… And I want to trust that my roommate (I’ve only got one now), would help me with anything I ask… But… She’s busy and has her own things going on, too… And maybe I’m just out of sorts with anxiety, but after a while the joking sighs or “fine/whatever/I guess I’ll help”-s… well.. I start worrying that maybe she is tired of helping. I don’t want to be a burden. But I also know I just should — can’t — be doing stuff like this. If I keep this up, I’m going to end up hurting myself or ripping my stitches again.

I just wish the risk of that was enough to get myself out of my own head and just stop for the next few weeks. No matter how much I tell myself to stop doing things… it’s like I can’t. But I’m going to have to… somehow… I’ve got to let myself heal.