Back on the horse (or something maybe a little less euphemistic)

I go through phases with online dating. Most of the time I’m really indifferent towards it. It’s just a site I check when I’m bored, and I don’t invest any real time into it at all. With the semester ending, and realizing I still have another year here… I decided what the hell. Let’s make a tiny bit more of an effort.

I kind of know what I want from a relationship… but at the same time, I don’t really know if I want to get involved with anyone that may interfere with my future plans — i.e. leaving this state for museum jobs or a Ph.D. program. But as much as I really enjoy hanging out with my cohort and my roommates, I wouldn’t mind someone who is a little closer to my age and can fill some other needs that those people can’t (and shouldn’t).

One thing I have found is that the well of 30-something single guys in my area on okc is really dry. Enough so that in my past 3 years of living here, I just figured that’s dating in Indiana and thus I wouldn’t find any eligible non-rightwing guys to spend time with. Internationally, yes. The number of guys in Britain and Turkey who match up with me in the 90%-match range is pretty damn amazing. But I’m lucky to find time to get out of the state, so out of the country is not in the picture!

I’ve been on okc for what feels like forever. I met some really great friends in Chicago on that site. But, yeah, it really wasn’t doing anything for me recently. So… figured let’s just try another site. Or, app, really. And yes. I’m saying that I am now on Tinder.

Initial observations: There are a lot of dudes on Tinder for exactly the reasons you think they’re on Tinder. But you also do have a a fair number of guys looking for “serious” relationships (aka wife hunting). And in my age group a lot of single dads. And of course, a handful of couples looking for thirds. And also my childhood best friend from summer camp — who facebook is saying is still in a committed relationship. (He super liked me.) Yeah.

I swiped right because someone said they wanted to buy me burritos and call me beautiful. #priorities

I’ve met two guys on Tinder so far. I can’t call them dates because, yeah, they were not dates at all. I haven’t talked to the first guy again, but, really wasn’t expecting to. Consenting adults and we knew what we were agreeing to. The second guy and I are developing a friendship. We like each other, but acknowledge we’re not the perfect partner for the other and don’t want to keep each other for finding that person.

I’ve been talking to a small handful of guys consistently. I don’t know if it’s a 30s thing or maybe I’m just getting a really skewed sample size… but do guys just really jump in to calling women “babe” and “honey” so quickly now? I don’t remember that being a thing when I was dating in my 20s. I’ve also thought maybe it’s just guys not wanting to learn my name for whatever reason — I’ve been going to the same Starbucks for 3 years and they still don’t seem to care either!

Anyway. Both of my roommates are also active on dating sites currently, so it’s been fun to compare stories and share various gem of profiles we’ve found so far. I’m not expecting to — or evening looking for — “the one”… but I am hopeful for a few adventures at least!

putting myself out there

A few months ago I logged back into my online dating profile. I can’t say I had high hopes for it, having  been on the site for a few years now. But being ready to start dating again, I decided to give it a go and see who was out there.

Well, as was sort of expected, nothing’s really come from the dating site this time around. And given that I’m not really a “go to the bar and try to meet someone” type of person, it’s sort of left to one of those what now moments…

Apparently the “what now” is including something that’s not really unconventional, just something I haven’t really done much. I’m going to let my friends set me up. Or, at least, I’m hoping they’ll do that. For part of this I’m using a Facebook app a friend recommended. I’m a bit skeptical that it’ll work. And then I just sort of also put it out there to my friends that hey, I’m single, and wouldn’t mind getting set up with any amazing friends they might think would be a good fit.

My singleness through my mid, now late 20s has sort of confused me. I’m pretty awesome. And last time I checked, I made a pretty good girlfriend. I’m not waiting for my life to be perfect. In fact, I don’t really want perfect (in dating or otherwise). There will always be something I’m dealing with in my life, and I will (hopefully) always be changing and growing. I just want to get to know someone and see what happens, hopefully it works out between us and we have fun along the way.

So. Universe. Men of the Interwebs/Chicago. HI. I’m here. I’m looking. I’m pretty great. This is me putting myself out there. Now you do your part.

*Also, as if we needed reminding… dating is weird.

And a side note: got knocked on my ass last week with what was thankfully not meningitis. Fever, as of Monday, is gone and I’m slowly feeling better.

dating is weird.

I’ve been wanting to talk about dating for a while. But not really known how to start anything off or what to say.

I’d like to start dating again, but as most of you probably already know, it’s such a weird thing. Not too long ago I put myself out there, and I wanted to see if something would work–just test the waters–but it really didn’t work out for a number of reasons, and I sort of came out of the experience a bit torn up. It was hard, and it still kind of hurts. But I want to keep moving forward and see what else is out there for me.

As I mentioned briefly a couple weeks ago, I finally logged into my online dating profile for the first time in ages. I’m talking to a couple people, but I don’t necessarily have high hopes for it. Which leaves me with that weird question and wondering of “so, where else am I supposed to meet someone?”

I’m not a big “go to bars and try to randomly meet a dude” type of person. And for some reason it never really feels like my social life lends itself to this sort of opportunity. Granted, besides touring, I guess I don’t have much of a social life. And most of the guys you meet on tour aren’t looking for more than that one night… not to mention I’m working from doors open until the tour bus leaves. So I’m back to the “where is this going to happen” thing.

Now, I do know there are some good, decent guys out there who have expressed interest in me. And I appreciate it and am flattered, but I just don’t feel that romantic spark. So, yes. It does feel really weird to me to say “where do I find a good guy” when there are good guys right here in front of me. But you just can’t force it if it’s not there. (And I know, being on the opposite side of that sucks, a lot. It’s not that easy or comfortable on this side either though.)

I get the whole “things work out in their own time” and “you’ll find him when you stop looking”… but there’s something to be said with being a little proactive and putting yourself out there a bit. I’m not terribly worried or stressed or preoccupied by all this. But I do know that I’d like to go on more dates and just see what and who is out there… and what possibilities there might be.

So. Future Next Boyfriend: I mean, I want you to be in a good place when you come into my life — ’cause I’m not about fixing anyone. But, hi. Yeah. Totally ready to meet you/figure out who you are.

where I talk about dating, again.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about, as a blogger, what I should and shouldn’t post online. And while that could cover a whole lot of topics, in particular I’m thinking about dating.

Yesterday I tweeted “I really want to create a pinboard for date ideas and other helpful hints for boys… but I feel like that’s cheating…”

I’ve been working on my These Things Should Happen list, and well, some of the things that I put on there I kinda wouldn’t mind if they were dates. But any time I think about writing about such things I just feel all weird. I used to write about dating quite a bit. But over the last year, I’ve really stepped back from that. Partially due to being single, but there was also a shift in me as well.

I’m reaching the point where I want my relationships to feel special—to be something special just between me and whomever I’m dating. My blog started feeling like a third person in the relationship. It’s not that I don’t want to share joys or funny stories with you, but I felt like I needed to make sure whomever I was with knew that they were my number one, not my blog.

And while some may not consider it cheating, part of me feels like the date would lose a little bit of sparkle if he only thought to take me on it because I wrote about it on my blog. I mean, props for being concerned enough to try to figure out what I’d like, but I guess I’m kind of a hopeless romantic. I want to believe that there’s still guys out there who know how to woo a girl and make her feel special. (I mean, if he really needs hints, I’m sure my good friend Courtney would be up for some sneaky hint giving.)

And honestly, all a guy really has to do is just make the small effort of telling me and showing me that yes, he really does like me… and I’ll be all swoony for days.

*PS – Dudes: Lego date nights are totally awesome.

my brain is stuck.

You ever have those moments when all of your thoughts are bottlenecked around one? Yeah. That. So I’m hoping that maybe by writing about it, it’ll help unclog my brain tubes and I can have proper mental functioning abilities again.

So. I previously said something along the lines about how I’m not going to talk about boys or relationships online much any more… Well, part of that is because there hasn’t been much of anything to talk about. Holy hell has it been a dry spell for me. I’ve had one date this year, and yeah, just wasn’t going to happen (even if he wanted it–and by it I don’t mean a relationship). Last dude I kissed? Drunk. At a concert. Where I was thinking about making out with someone else. Only happened because we danced and he went in for it. Totally doesn’t count.

Anyway. Yeah. Dry spell.  … What the crap guys?

All I can think about is making out. My entire brain is traffic jammed around the single thought of making out. It’s been stuck like this all day, and honestly it’s been a slow clog building up over the weeks and months of non-making out times.

So, I either need to make out with someone or force my brain to be fixated on something else. Hoping that the holidays will distract me, but we’ll see. It’s a pretty nasty brain clog. Yeah. Not so awesome when you start thinking about making out with inappropriate people. Former instructor? Yep. Internet friend with a girlfriend? Oh yeah. Dude I actually like but won’t tell you about? Duh.

Insert loud frustrated dinosaur noises right here.

So. Attractive dudes. Who wants to make out?

don't judge me by the length of my hair.

I miss my hair.

This is the first time I’ve felt this way since I cut it all off back in July. I’ve loved having short hair again. But for some reason today, I’m just not sure any more and well, I know I’ve got a while to wait if I actually do want to grow it out again.

So why all of a sudden do I feel like Sampson post-Delilah? It’s probably just a funk that’ll pass. But it’s not one I’m enjoying right now. (Especially since I just got my hair cut yesterday by a killer stylist.)

I loved my short hair because it was simpler. I have a ton of product for it, but don’t use any of it. Not often, at least. Wash, tousle, flatten what needs to be flatten–with my hands, not a flat iron–then go. It was awesome. It is awesome. But having short hair does require a bit more work… just elsewhere. Make up. Nail polish. Girly stuffs.

I’m a tshirt and jeans sort of girl. Always have been. It’s not that I dislike the girly things. In fact, if Chicago’s weather weren’t what it was, I’d happily wear skirts and dresses all year. Hell, in the summer I’m a bikini and short shorts type of girl. (Well, at the beach. I’m practical… ish.) But with having short hair, it feel like I have to make more of an effort to appear feminine. It’s the reason I started painting my nails, something I previously couldn’t stand. Feeling like I have to make that effort, not a big fan.

Stacey wrote about this today. “Guys did not want to get with me if I was not all dolled up because they all thought I liked girls and it was weird and awkward…” It’s not that guys haven’t made passes at me since I’ve cut my hair off… but it was never on a tshirt and jeans day. I hate to imagine that there are so many insecure guys out there who won’t just say hey because of the length of my hair. And I know, those aren’t the types of guys I want anyway… But this girl’s not asking for a lifetime or any of that right now (and definitely not upfront)… just a date or two and some making out. (What? Being honest.)

At this point, I don’t have plans on growing my hair out. And if I decided to girly up my wardrobe more or maybe wear make up more often, I’m doing it for me and because I want to, not because I feel I have to just to get a dude. (No guy is worth that.) But sometimes, guys, you make me feel like nothing short of tattooing “not a lesbian” on my forehead will work. So step it up and stop being dicks. I don’t miss my hair because guys are dumb, I just miss the different sort of simplicity it gave me. Luckily this funk will pass and I’ll continue rockin’ out the short do with the same confidence I had these past few months.

*I don’t feel like I have to say this, but I’m going to: there’s nothing wrong with being a lesbian. It’s just not who I am. I like men. And that’s perfectly okay too.

lego necklaces and being a hopeless romantic. (keyword: hopeless)

I’ve been on a necklace hunt for a while. Constantly searching a variety of sites for the perfect one.

Remember, this is me, so of course, much hard process than it should be. I see a lot of necklaces that I like, but I want to make sure I get one that I really liked. One I knew I would wear a lot.

I’m not a big jewelry person. No piercings (anymore). I don’t wear rings, and I’m not sure I own any (in Chicago anyway). I have maybe 5 necklaces, but I wear less than one a month. Bracelets? The only one I wore for any length of time was the friendship bracelet my little sister made me. I’m just not a jewelry person. May be my Quakerness. May be lingering tomboyness.

So, I think I’ve finally figured out what I wanted. A lego brink necklace. Probably a thin 2×4 plate piece on a regular silver chain… not sure what color lego piece yet. And that’s because I got caught up in “should I actually buy this for myself?” It’s the hopeless romantic in me being a brat. When it comes to getting myself certain things, that little annoying quixotic voice chimes in with the “wouldn’t it be great if someone special bought this for you?” Yeah. It would. But it’s not going to happen.

For one, I’m still single. So that rule out any sort of boyfriend getting me cute little gifts. Secondly, I mean, really… even if there was someone special that I was attracted to, the likelihood that they’d actually think about this? Yeah… It’s just not going to happen. I’d love for some guy to surprise me some day. But I have to keep that stupid hopeless romantic side of me in check. It’s just one small step in me trying not to get hurt.

*I actually have a rule that I can’t get another stuffed animal for myself, has to be a gift. Unless it’s special in some way. (Which completely explains why I do not have a stuffed narwhal yet.)
**I also probably won’t end up getting the lego necklace at all, because I’d much rather have one made out of sterling silver, but can’t really justify $40 on a metal lego brick on a chain

on trying to feel pretty…

Self-esteem is a touchy subject. I’ve had some struggles with it—like pretty much every other woman I know. However, just because “we all go through it” doesn’t make it any less of an issue.

For the most part, I’ve been too busy to be distracted by these things. But they still sneak in. And I’ve noticed that since I cut my hair, it’s been coming up a bit more. I don’t feel like I can just get up, get dressed, and go out the door. I feel like I have to primp and fuss over my hair. I’ve been wearing eyeliner almost every day I leave the house. Even picking out outfits is more of a challenge—I’m afraid of not coming off as feminine and thus not being pretty.

I know. I know, I know, I know. In the grand scheme, it’s dumb. But when I cut to the chase, I still have issues with feeling pretty and attractive.

I don’t need a boyfriend to survive, but it’d be nice to be asked out on a date. I know I seem to jump from attraction to attraction… but in all honesty, there are only a very small number of guys I’ve been truly caught up on. It’s sort of in my nature to talk about or at least mention “oh hey, he’s cute.” It’s ended up sort of labeling me as “boy crazy.”

I just want my confidence back. It’s not completely gone. It’s just not as stable as I would like.

worth the risk: things every guy should read

I’m terribly behind in my reader, and have been for more than a month. However, when I peaked in this morning, I found this awesome guest post on Ashalah‘s blog: When Love Throws Up (Or how to know he’s the right guy for you). It’s by Peter DeWolf, who I sadly have to admit that I don’t already follow (FIXED).

By number one on his list I was shouting THIS., which continued as I read through. THIS. THIS. OMG THIS. I highly recommend reading the post. Especially if you’re a boy. Because then you’d know how you’re supposed to treat us. (Which, yes, Peter actually wrote a whole post on his own blog about how to treat a woman, which men, you should also read. Now. I’ll wait.)

Then I got to number 11… it was the part written  by Peter’s own girlfriend, Ashley… “You’re never left wondering if he likes you.”  It goes hand and hand with the how to treat a woman post’s number one: “If you like a girl, LIKE the girl. Make sure she knows. Tell her that you like her. If it was me, I’d say something like, “Hey. I like you.” I’m creative like that.” For the past I have no idea how long, I’ve followed that rule. I’ve made sure the guy knew. I’ve made first moves. I’m the one who took the risk.

But you know, I’m thinking of tossing in the towel. I thought I was being clever, a strong, forward female. Maybe I was. But at the end of the day, I’m tired of throwing myself out there and not having a guy be as excited about me as I am him.

I’m trying to tell myself it’s because I need to focus on school, but I won’t always be in school. It’s more of a matter that I’m tired of being hurt. Of being rejected. Of whatever excuse a guy has for not dating me. I’m not looking for the next one to be the last one. I’m just looking for one to show an interest — keyword show. But guys, I’ve stepped up. I’ve shown the interest. It’s your turn. There’s always that risk that she might say no. But it’s the same damn risk I’ve made too. You don’t have to make grand leaps from the beginning, just show her you’re interested. Honestly, isn’t she worth it?

I’m freaking amazing, and I deserve awesome. I’m worth it. Take the risk.

Seriously. Read both of those posts. Now. You can thank Peter after I’m done thanking you.