balls. get some.

Yes, I meant that in every way you’re thinking of right now.  In a continuation of my Wench’s Guide to Relationships (or lackthereof), I figured it was appropriate to talk about balls and getting them.

I don’t know where it came from, but at some point, probably after high school, I let go a little and just decided to approach guys.  I don’t remember being aggressive in high school, but well, I did have 12 “boyfriends” before college.  Maybe Sean, “the ex” and my only college boyfriend, was the first to acknowledge that I was a tiny bit aggressive in letting him know I liked him.

He was involved in theater, doing awesome techie stuff, a computer science major, played viola in orchestra, oh, and he had chops and a blue mohawk.  Nerdy little me was smitten quick.  So what did I do?  I rushed into his room, giggled, and threw a rubber squeaky albatross at him and rushed out.  (Only to sheepishly come back to ask for my bird.)  A few days to a week later we were down by the dam sitting and talking, eventually with my head in his lap.  And that’s when he said, “So Erini, what the fuck?”  Yep.  That’s how he asked me out.

Since then, well, I haven’t quite taken Sean’s approach, but I have just gone for it. I’ve made out with dudes (sober and not so much).  I’ve directly asked what was going on or if they wanted to go out on a date.  I’ve got to say, it does sort of freak some guys out.  Which is sad.  Dudes, if a girl asks you out or shows interest in you take it as a compliment and don’t think she’s trying to emasculate you.  Yeah, I like being pursued too, but I’m okay initiating things.

I took my friend Adam’s phone from him and programmed in my number — this was when we first met and just after we spent some time making out.  I invited Snuggles* The Musician over (which is how we started being more than friends and starting seeing each other).  I’ll dance with guys, I’ll flirt with them, and I’ll make out with them.  Hell, last night, I even emailed the Cute Banker and asked him out!

It may seem like I’m just jumping out there taking risk after risk.  But they’re sort of calculated.  I’m not completely terribly impulsive.  I think about things, mull them over, talk about it, and then decide to just do it.  I think about the different possibilities, decide if it’s something I want, then I go for it.  The worse that can happen is he’ll say no.  If he says any worse than he was definitely not worth it and I can move on very quickly.

I also need to acknowledge my support group too.  I’ve got some Lovely and Awesome women who have helped me through so much of this pink fluffy brain goo crap.  They aren’t the only two gals I go to, nor do I just go to women for dating advice.  But the key is to have at least one person there to help you through this — and really, all other things in life.

Talk with your support group, think it over.  Take a deep breath, then just go for it.  It does get easier with time.  Though I can’t say the butterflies and the pink fluffy brain goo gets any easier to deal with.

*Snuggles is going to get got a new name… though he still is very snuggly.  New name: The Musician.

BOYS.

So, as you may have noticed, there seems to be a small handful of guys in my life right now.  I can understand how it can get confusing if you’re attempting to follow along/live vicariously through me.

So, here’s short little list, with a wee bit of a description, to help.  I’m not going to go into too much detail into the identities of these men.  This is basically just a brief overview, a primer if you will, of the guys… (be they someone I’ve gone on dates with or just a current crush)

  • The Boy — he’s a science teacher, gymnastics coach/former gymnast, and drummer.  He’s very pretty.  Yes, we’ve had some not so awesome moments, but… I like him.  Not very much of a cuddler, nor that into cupcakes.
  • The Musician Snuggles — I’ve had a terrible time thinking up of some sort of alias for this dude.  But Snuggles will work. He’s probably just as much of a physical/physically expressive person as I am.  (Snuggles -> snuggling…)  He’s creative and talented, and lordy do I find him sexy.  (He sang for me.)  Not only does he like cupcakes, but has suggested we go on cupcake dates.
  • The Banker — well, um, probably a bit obvious here, but I’m okay with that.  He’s nice and I’ve enjoyed getting to know him.  It makes depositing my paychecks even more enjoyable.
  • The whole foods dude — also a little obvious, but there are a lot of guys who work there.  He seems nice, but I never really get to talk to him.  I also don’t want to be that creepy girl who always waits to go through his line every time…  but he’s cute.
  • The swell guy — I’ve known him for almost a year now.  He’s still pretty awesome, but since he’s not in the city, well, we mostly just talk online or text.  He asked if I would be his text lover.
  • The neighbor — not really seeing much of him any more.  But he lives close by….  He’s nice and all, but like pretty much every guy I’ve ever been interested in, he’s really busy.
  • Jeff — we haven’t met in person yet, but we’ve been talking on and off for over 2 years now.  He’s great.  and trying to take over my comments section here on wench.  He doesn’t live in the city, but close.

There’s the line up.  I trust you’ll ask if you’ve got questions/think I’m missing someone/want more stores.

this is where I am.

Some times it takes a lot of soul searching to figure out where you’re at.  And though I may not be able to pin-point it on a map, I feel like I have a halfway decent idea of where I am in life right now.

  • I enjoy my job; my budget is still going to be a little tight, and I’ll still have to do some finagling, but I don’t dread going to work every day.  And that’s awesome.
  • The band is going well; I love hanging out with my fellow nerds and making music.  My intonation is back to a place I can be proud of and so I’m not as afraid to play out more.  In fact, I’ve asked for a duet.  I’m not ready to just improv and solo away, but yeah, I’m ready to have a bit of something.
  • I’m adjusting to friends that have moved away, and are still moving away.  It sucks that I can’t just call/text/IM/twitter them and then go meet with them, but I refuse to let them go from my life.  I just need to invest in some stamps.
  • I’m wanting to be more creative; I’m sketching a little more, and will hopefully start writing more soon.

Basically, I could keep listing factors that are making things good and sort of define where I am right now… but the overall thing is overall I’m pretty happy, and decently confident. Things aren’t perfect, but I’m not letting that stop me.

[singlepic id=113 w=320 h=240 float=center]

With that being said.  I feel like I know where I stand (mostly).  And that I like where things are at (generally).  But it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t mind sharing that with someone else.

As I’ve previously mentioned, I don’t necessarily know where I stand with a couple guys that I’m interested in.  I know what page I’m on, but I’m not sure they’re on the same page I am.

(I also want to say thanks to all the friends who have gotten in touch with me and making sure I know how much I deserve.  It means a lot to me.)

kinda sorta dating. casually, of course.

So, I’m sort of seeing a couple guys right now.
I think.

Honestly, at this very moment, I’m not sure what’s going on.
(Part of that could be the fact that it’s midnight, I’ve been gone/busy for the last 13 hours and the lack of food… oh, yeah, and I’m blogging from bed because I really should be asleep right now.)

So, there’s a couple guys I’m seeing.  And they make me very happy.  I mean, very happy.  There also very different guys too.  But neither seems to be looking for a relationship and well, they’ve told me that they’re also seeing other people (one said not very seriously and the other didn’t specify).  And by a couple, I should say two — but I’m talking to a few other guys… and maybe I’m still seeing one other… I don’t know.

ANYWAY.  They guys that I think I’m seeing make me very happy.  Though I wouldn’t mind if one of them, or even one of the other guys I’m talking to wanted to date me exclusively… I’m not going to push them for that.  They know that I’m seeing other people too.  But that being said, it’d sort of be nice, and maybe easier, if one would just man up and show some real interest.

That’s why things are confusing.  I don’t know where things stand other than the “it’s casual” sort of thing.  And while, yes, I am okay with this… sometimes I wonder if they see it as we’re casual dating or not.  Because when you get down to it, we’re more than friends.  And then you throw in the fact that maybe one of them might also be casually seeing one of your other friends, but you can’t talk about it… yeah, more confusion.

Like I said.  All of this could be from the fact that my brain wants to shut down and my body just wants to cuddle.  (But with this kinda sorta casual thing, it means there’s no one laying next to me ready to shut off my laptop and throw his arms around me.)

Maybe in the morning none of this will matter.

As Lovely and I would say… BOYS.

Some tips for guys…

Okay, lets face it… Guys, you need some help.  Heed this advice, please!

  1. We like it when you call/text/email… communication, it’s pretty awesome.
  2. If you’re “not seriously seeing anyone right now”, then it’s probably good to tell the people you aren’t seriously seeing.  Don’t want to give them the wrong impression, and hey some of them will probably be perfectly cool with it.
  3. There are indeed women out there who are okay with being physical without commitment.  Just sayin’.
  4. If you are dating someone, STOP TALKING ABOUT OTHER GIRLS’ BOOBS. (That should be a no-brainer, but seriously.)
  5. If a girl puts up a status saying she’d like a back rub/massage, it means she’d like a cute boy to come over, give her a massage, and probably make out for a bit.
  6. In fact, a lot of statuses also roughly translate to: let’s make out.
  7. Deciding to be a manwhore as a defense mechanism because some girl broke your heart is not okay.  It makes you look an insecure douchebag.
  8. Remember: Nerdy girls are awesome.
  9. newWear a freaking condom. Keep at least one if not five on you at all times.  If you think you can’t feel it as much, then test out a whole bunch of types of condoms until you find the one you like.  Need help keeping it up? Try wearing them tighter.  (Seriously, click that link and head over to Jennifer’s blog.  Big thanks to her for inspiring this tip.)

Okay.  I might have more later, but this is a good start.  Do you have ones to add?  Also, if a guy would like to write up a few tips for us ladies, share the link.

There are definitely some guys out there who are doing things right.  We applaud you.

hold up, did yesterday actually happen?

Okay, so I know yesterday was 09-09-09…. but did that account for the awesomeness yesterday, or did yesterday just rock?

1. Beatles Rock Band came out. I almost feel like I’ve been raised on the Beatles.  My mom has been a fan for ages (hell, that’s her generation.. ish), so being a small child and having Beatles paraphernalia around the house was nothing unusual.  Beatles mugs, throw blankets, sheet music, VHS movies… Soon it turned into figurines, a music box figurine, a Linda McCartney photograph, and numerous tshirts.  Oh course we had a lot of the albums on CD too, and I started getting their movies on DVD for my mom.  Last year? Beatles Monopoly.
So, I can’t afford Beatles Rock Band just yet — and yes, I’d want the complete set, all the guitars and everything.  But I’m hopeful that one day it’ll be in my home.

2. I ate a bacon cupcake. Seriously.  Okay, so it’s a buttermilk spice cupcake with maple syrup infused in it, with a maple buttercream frosting, and caramelized bacon on top.  I’ve seen these at Phoebe’s all summer, and two of my friends had tried them on cupcake dates.  But Lovely and I had steered towards the other ones (mostly the weekly specials).  But I was going on a cupcake date with a dude who’s pretty much obsessed with bacon.  If it came to bacon or sex, I’m not sure which he’d choose.  But yeah.  I ate a bacon cupcake, and it was good.

3. I met another blogger. I had heard little bits about this person, Frank of Frank (Slept Here), via his older sister Rachel.  I didn’t know much about him, other than how to destroy him and um, yeah, this kid likes bacon.  My first interaction with him was one of the weekly Mario Kart games… I seem to remember hitting him with multiple red shells… right before he tried to cross the finish line.  It was kinda awesome.

4. I made out with said blogger.  Hehe.  Um.  Yeah.  Also awesome.

So yeah.  That whole, “I sort of have a little bit of a crush on someone… and I honestly don’t care if it develops into anything” thing, um.. totally lying.  Very happy dinosaur right now.  Frank’s pretty awesome.

I woke up this morning and just sort of pondered over all of that… Did it really just happen?  But well, given the messages in my inbox, I’m sure it did.  And well, if anyone wants to, um, donate, a complete Beatles Rock Band set (or hell, any part of it — beggars can’t be choosers, right?)… You know where to find me… (At Jenn’s playing her copy! or, oh yeah, enjoying some time with a bacon-loving guy…)

just so you know, there are some awesome women here…

Over the past few days I’ve spent a lot of time offline writing.  A lot of time writing inevitably means a lot of time thinking, a lot of time stuck in my own head.

So of course the boy and that situation, and basically all of the relationships and encounters and mess from the last 11 or so years of dating were on my mind.  I’m still attracted to the boy.  But I’m also still caught up on a few other men too — like my bandmate and one of my scientist friends.  I think what really hurt this time was that I had so much hope that the recent string of rejection was finally over.  That maybe I might have found someone who sees that awesomeness in me.  There seemed to be potential with the boy.  And as I mentioned, I was happy.

But it didn’t happen.  It was just another rejection.  And it hurt.  Just like all the others before it.

I just don’t get it though.  It’s not just myself.  I know some very Lovely and Awesome women who I just don’t get why they’re single.*  I just don’t get how men can either be completely oblivious to all that we’ve got to offer or that they aren’t interested in quality women.  Maybe we’re just not meeting the right guys.  Maybe it’s just a matter of bad timing.  But whatever it is, it’s frustrating.

My brother always tells me that whenever I stop looking for it, a relationship will find me.  I want to believe him, but it’s hard to stop looking for something you want.  And it’s hard to reconcile wanting something you ultimately know doesn’t define who you are or your self worth.  But we want it nonetheless.

I’m not going to settle for the first dude who shows interest.  I want to get to know someone and make an investment in them.  But I want to keep trying.

So single men of Chicago: I’m here, and I’m looking.  I’m not perfect, but I’ve got a lot to offer.  If you’re interested, please let me know.  Also, my friends are pretty hot too.  You should give them a chance too, if you’re not going to give me one that is.

*Okay, so I know, being in a relationship isn’t everything.  People choose to be single and are still happy.  And that’s awesome.  But from talking with some of my female friends, I know that they’re just as frustrated as I am…

at a standstill, with myself.

As much as don’t want to take away from Rachel’s guest post… I was going through my reader, and noticed this post from my friend Mawls.

“I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do.”

That’s sort of how I feel right now.  I mean, I’m not necessarily stressed about life.  I’m just not sure what the next step is.

I’ve got a few leads on jobs… but nothing definite.

I’m still meeting people… but nothing’s really got my heart racing.

That last part, the relationship part, has been on my mind lately.  I talked to the boy recently. The first time since his concert.  I initiated it.  I sent him a text message.  Just asking about his other band’s first show.  We talked for a little bit the next day online.  It was like how we always talked.

I might get some flack for this… but I want another chance with him.  Yeah.  What he did hurt me, and I didn’t deserve it.  But it’s easy for me to want to forgive that.  Everything else about hanging out with him was awesome.  I was really happy.  … I want that back.

So.  Well.  It’s not really up to me, though is it?  … and that sucks…

I don’t really know what to do though…  I don’t know if he’s still with his ex, or if it was short lived… Or if he’d even be interested in seeing me again…

I still get butterflies when I think about him.  It’s still hard to stop smiling.  This hasn’t happened in a long time.  Especially not so quickly — we talked for almost two months, went on three dates (three really fun dates)… I mean, don’t get me wrong, yeah, I’m a hopeless romantic, but this isn’t like that.  I was really happy with him.  I don’t just want to let that slip away…

So.  What do I do?

part of me really wish he’d read this, but I know the chances of that are low… and I feel awkward sending him a link rather than just writing him an email… *sigh*
I’ll get into the job thing later…

I don't know what to say… (Boy Drama, part 2)

So, I left off confused and concerted about the boy because he said he might get back with his ex, or get a restraining order… I said a lot has happened, and it truly has…

A few days after that conversation, the boy’s band was headlining a show.  I was excited.  Not only would I get to hang out with him, but I’d get to see him rock out on his drums, quite possibly without his shirt.  (Remember, former gymnast… boy is HOT… but seriously, I liked him for more than his body, that was just an amazing bonus.)  So.  I text him some while I’m partaking in BlogHer activities (see: Jenn & Rini start drinking mid-afternoon)… Nothing seems unusual.  I tell him I’m bringing swag… all seems good.

I leave my amazing blogging friends and catch a cab, 1200 bags of swag in tow, and head up to his show.  When I arrive, I notice his ex is there… no biggie, I knew she would be.  So the boy and I stash all my stuff with his drums.  We get up to the bar, and he introduces me to his ex.

“So, um, are you two back together?”
“Yeah.”
….
“I don’t know what to tell you.”

I then went out side and vented for about 10-15 minutes with one of his friends… Had his friend go back inside and tell the boy I want my stuff and I’m leaving.  However, after getting my stuff, two more of his friends came outside and I talked with these three guys for about 45-60 minutes before the boy’s band was about to play.  And you know what, I actually had a fun time hanging out with his friends.  They agreed that it was BS and a very douche bag move on the boy’s part.  I actually wouldn’t mind hanging out with them again.

Again… with the exception of venting to his friends for a while, I didn’t blow up.  I didn’t yell at him.  I didn’t make a scene at the bar.  I went outside and vented, not even loudly.  The next morning… this is what I sent him:

“I’m going to ask that you don’t reply…. at least, not unless you really feel the need to.  But at this point, I’m just not ready.

What you did seriously hurt, and the fact that you couldn’t even apologize for it hurt worse.
The last I heard was that you might get back with [your ex] or that you’d get a restraining order on her.  So that you didn’t even give me a heads up that you decided to get back with her wasn’t cool.  I’m not ready to deal with this, or the two of you together.  Having that heads up would have allowed me to stay with my friends at the conference and not spend money on a cab there, the cover, and then the cab back home.  Not-to-mention just the emotional stress of the night.

You have no idea how grateful I am for your friends.  Just the fact that they were willing to listen to a stranger’s problem and try to cheer me up really meant a lot to me.  They’re good people.  And I’m actually hoping to keep in touch with them.

I really do mean it that I want you to be happy and hope you’re doing what’s best for you.  I still think that you’re a really great guy.  I had a lot of fun getting to know you and hanging out with you.  But, I’m going to need time before I’m ready see you (as a friend) again.  This hurt a lot, and I didn’t deserve that.

Hope your show went well, and I am sad that I couldn’t stay.  Maybe another time.  I’m going to retract my invitation to play with the reading band and at our show at the Hideout for the time being.  If you want to go to the show, that’s your choice.  Hope you understand.”

… He’s respected my wishes, and I haven’t heard from him since that night.  That was on the 25th of July.  A decent amount of time and a lot of life has happened since then.  At this point, I’m not mad at him… just hurt.  I can forgive the person, but I still am working through the situation.  In the grand scheme of things, it’s really not that big of a situation.  It sucks, I didn’t deserve it… but you know what, there’s something better out there for me.  (It’s taking it’s damn time getting to me though!)

coping mechanisms other than coffee and cigarettes…

I wrote this post originally in a tiny notebook on Friday afternoon…. just like my other post, a lot has gone on since I originally wrote this…
Anyway… this could really be called “Boy Drama: Part One”…..

First, I want to apologize to my mom.  I know you don’t read this blog, but I hate thinking I’ve disappointed you.

Getting the news from the boy about his indecision was hard.  Harder than I thought.  It was actually surprising how much it hurt given that we’ve only had 3 dates.

Of course I went through the crazy thoughts — the “I’ll show you” thoughts.  The boy hurt me, and a very small part of me want to do something, anything, so that he wouldn’t feel that great either.  So that he’d regret hurting me.  But all of those thoughts last for all of 2 seconds before I realize how stupid that is.  I won’t be the crazy girl.  And moreover, it seems that I can’t be the crazy girl.

Sometimes I hate that I can’t be that girl.  That I can’t just go off on an illogical verbal rampage. That I can’t go to his house and yell at him.  That I can’t even really write a spiteful tweet or facebook status — just a small jab at him.  I just can’t be that girl.  I’m just not that breed of crazy.

So what do I do?  How do I deal with the fact that this person that I’ve just invested so much of myself into might not choose me.  That he might go back to the girl he seemed to want to escape, the girl he’s declared crazy on more than one occasion.  Mostly, I end up being mature about it.  Even if I’d rather not be.  I have to give him the space he needs to realize that “either getting back with her or getting a restraining order on her” isn’t really healthy logic.  That I’m concerned about him.  If any one of my friends would have told me such a thing, I’d be just as concerned.  But I’m coming from this as more than a friend.  I want to be with him, to see where this is going.  I haven’t been this happy with someone for a long time.  I was really hopeful for this.  So it really hurt to learn that, yet again, I might face rejection.

All I wanted was attention.  For someone to make me feel wanted again.  I needed something primitive.  I wanted sex.  Simple, easy, thought-free sex.  It’s really not something I do — sex for sex’s sake.  Nor is it something I do with someone I’ve never met in person.  (He wasn’t a complete stranger. I’d been talking to him since late January.)  No, this is an activity better left for others with more hardened emotions.  But, that’s what I wanted.  So I got online and IMed a guy I felt would be easily willing — a neighbor, a mere 7 minute walk away.  It didn’t take much convincing before he agreed to come over.

I made one last attempt to talk to the boy.  It went to voicemail.  I was hoping he’d return my call, so I could express my concern for the situation and him.  So I could tell him to figure things out.  But no such luck.

So with perfect timing, my guest arrived right after another great session of Mario Kart.  We didn’t waste time with small talk.  As soon as the door was closed it was lips on lips.  His pants were off before we got to the bedroom.  Afterward, as we were laying side by side, catching our breath, he turned to me and smiled, “Hi.”  … We actually did have a nice chat that night.

I can’t regret what I did that Thursday night.  Still wanting to be with the boy, but throwing myself at a willing body.  I don’t really plan on telling the boy directly, but I won’t hide it.  The truth is we are not in a committed relationship.  I’m not his girlfriend.  And he did just tell me that he might be getting back together with his ex.

As much as I do want to be with him, how much of myself do I risk in this?  If I’m being honest with myself, I know it’s not fair for me to wait around.  The boy could lose me.  He’s got a choice to make.  He’s got to figure things out.  Just as I’ve got to keep going on, figuring out my own damn life.  I’d like him to be a part of it, even if it’s just a small part.  But really — the mature part that I almost loath — I know I’ll be okay.  I know I’ll adjust, I’ll keep going on.  And whether or not I decide to use sex as a coping method again is still up in the air.