wench's guide to relationships (or lackthereof)

So CMigs recently asked that I put together a how-to for dating and relationships.  Apparently seeing more than one guy and having a handful of crushes gives me some sort of authority.  That or I’m a good source of entertainment.  So with that, I’m going to start a series of posts on my own personal tips for relationships and all that pink fluffy brain goo.*

First off, I guess at this point where I’m at is a little complicated, but at the same time it’s not.  I’m kind of single, but kind of not.  Basically I’m in an open relationshipOr two. I wouldn’t call either guy my boyfriend, but as I’m sure both of them know or have figured out, I wouldn’t be opposed to that and an exclusive relationship.  But I’m not going to push that on either of them.  If an exclusive relationship develops out of this, then awesome.  But I’m having fun right now, and really enjoying being with boy guys individually.

Secondly, I want to say — as many people have said to probably everyone — you need to be in a decent place with yourself before a great relationship can form.  You don’t need to have everything settled or perfect, but if you’re not happy with yourself, you can’t expect someone else to fix it.  That’s on you to do.  Maybe you’ll meet someone to hold your hand through it or what have you.  But you should not look for someone to fix or make you whole, nor should you look for someone to fix.  We’re not cars.  Yes it’s possibly to find someone while you’re working through hard times and not in the best place in your life — but I wouldn’t actively seek someone out during those times.  Other people will see you’re not ready for a relationship (because you’re not) and the rejection will hurt more.

Now, even if you think you’re ready for a relationship, there will probably still be some rejection.  Hi, look at me and my life.  I’ve been single/not in an exclusive relationship for four and half years now.  Two of them I wasn’t ready to be in one, but now I’d be okay with one.

Mostly, I think being open to possibilities is key.  It’s helped me out a lot.  I’m not saying go out and be in open relationships.  Not everyone is a good fit for that.  But don’t go out thinking there’s either single or not.  Let things take their course and develop.  Don’t rush things.  When you allow yourself to be open to the possibilities, you might be surprised to who might come into your life.

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Now, as I continue this… what relationship questions do you have?  Any particular story of mine you want to hear, any particular guy of mine (past or present) you want to hear more about?  I’m no expert, but I’m more than willing to share my thoughts and experiences with you.

*Yes, I realize that’s what most of my blog is about anyway… but this will be more focused.  and with tips!  tips that are emphasized and maybe even bullet pointed.

knowing when and backing off

I’ve mentioned it a few times, but when it comes to dating I’m a fairly forward girl.  Most of the time, I’m not shy about telling a guy that I like him.  However, sometimes, I can come on a little strong.  And that’s what I’m attempting to work on.

(Wait, didn’t I write about this not that long ago?)

In my past, I feel like there has been a good handful of guys who I’ve somewhat scared off because of the whole “holy crap I really like you” thing I tend to have going on…  After feeling so comfortable and so great with one person, I tend to want to know what’s going on.  I want some sort of definition or declaration of what our relationship is.  It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I definitely bring that subject up a bit too early.

I’m having to rewire my mind to try to avoid the pink fluffy brain goo.  I want to be able to enjoy being with someone and not getting caught up in the whole mess of trying to figure out what’s going on.  No, I don’t really know how it goes from “I’m sort of seeing someone” to “this is my boyfriend”… but I really need to stop being concerned with that.  It will happen, and it will happen when it’s ready to happen.

It’s a lot easier to tell myself to stop, calm down, and breathe than it is to do just that.  But when it comes down to finding that one person who I really want to be with, I need to prepare myself to try not to muck things up the best I can! I seriously don’t want to be the crazy girl!
(Luckily I’ve got a very Lovely friend who seems to be willing to take on the crazy task of keeping me in check!)

I'm trying…

This past year, as you may have noticed, I’ve gone on this sometimes exciting, sometimes painful ride of relationships…  I believe the phrase I used was an “endless cycle of doom and woe“…

Also, as you may have noticed, I’ve recently developed this… fondness… for a certain fellow.  So, obviously I’ve been excited — still am.  However, as I mentioned at least once, I’m just slightly aggressive when it come to pursuing guys…  I’m not all that shy about showing a guy that I’m interested.

Frank and I have gotten through the “I like you, you like me” part.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s awesome.  But um, now — now I’m just trying not to overwhelm him with that fact.  (I’m sorry if I have, Frank.)  It’s hard, though, because the pink fluffy brain goo is convinced that Frank is the most awesomest person in the world right now.  And the pink fluffy brain goo can be loud sometimes.

So far, I’ve tried to distracted myself with these:

  • The Guild
  • Dr. Horrible’s Sing-A-Long Blog
  • Firefly
  • Farmville on Facebook (already bored of it)
  • Pirates of the Caribbean (just started #1, will continue on to 2 & 3)
  • My journal (you know, bound, with paper…)

Soon… I think I might move on to video games… Yoshi’s Island, Super Paper Mario, Mario Kart, Mario Galaxy, Super Mario Party and maybe a little Guitar Hero too…. (Notice a trend in my games?  Feel free to donate others for the cause.)  Anyway.

I like him, and I want to see where this can go.

and breathe… seriously… breathe.

I don’t know when there has been a time in my life when I haven’t felt like I have a million things going on at once. Honestly, I do like keeping busy, having a lot on my plate… It’s why I worked 3 part-times jobs, worked for the newspaper, radio station, and helped around with miscellaneous other groups, all while maintaining a full class load during college. That was good busy with good stress. I could handle all of that. And honestly, it was fun. I still had a social life on top of everything!

But now, it’s one of those “what’s going on with my life?” moments.  Is this what I truly want?  Then I think back to the last year.  My slow decline that eventually because a very rapid downward spiral.  I saught help, and was actively working to better my situation.  It just wasn’t enough.  How long can you go on just tolerating things?  How long can you be chained to your “obligations” and deny the potential that’s out there waiting for you?

Not-to-mention the whole pink fluffy brain goo mess.  Yep, my mind’s getting the best of me as I’m just trying to take things as they come and enjoy the experience of getting to know someone.  It can be hard, especially when your mind’s telling you how much you like this person, that you can take down your profiles and stop the search — but well, what if he hasn’t?  Nasty thoughts like those are trying to pop into my head and I feel like I’m playing whack-a-mole with reason & brain goo.

I think I had about 3 or 4 people telling me to calm the ef down yesterday.  (And thank you…)  I’m letting my mind get the best of me.  In one of the aforementioned situations, I’m taking action.  I’m making a jump and taking a risk that I’ve just got to trust will pay off in the end.  In the other… well, dealing with Pink Fluffy Brain Goo is never easy.  I just need to keep myself grounded.  I might get hurt in the end, but I put myself out there.  I know the risk going into this.  I know what it’s like to get rejected.  Again.  … I’m still trying though.

I feel like I’m on the edge, staring down into this hazy abiss, and some strange excitement comes over me and just whispers jump….