dating is weird.

I’ve been wanting to talk about dating for a while. But not really known how to start anything off or what to say.

I’d like to start dating again, but as most of you probably already know, it’s such a weird thing. Not too long ago I put myself out there, and I wanted to see if something would work–just test the waters–but it really didn’t work out for a number of reasons, and I sort of came out of the experience a bit torn up. It was hard, and it still kind of hurts. But I want to keep moving forward and see what else is out there for me.

As I mentioned briefly a couple weeks ago, I finally logged into my online dating profile for the first time in ages. I’m talking to a couple people, but I don’t necessarily have high hopes for it. Which leaves me with that weird question and wondering of “so, where else am I supposed to meet someone?”

I’m not a big “go to bars and try to randomly meet a dude” type of person. And for some reason it never really feels like my social life lends itself to this sort of opportunity. Granted, besides touring, I guess I don’t have much of a social life. And most of the guys you meet on tour aren’t looking for more than that one night… not to mention I’m working from doors open until the tour bus leaves. So I’m back to the “where is this going to happen” thing.

Now, I do know there are some good, decent guys out there who have expressed interest in me. And I appreciate it and am flattered, but I just don’t feel that romantic spark. So, yes. It does feel really weird to me to say “where do I find a good guy” when there are good guys right here in front of me. But you just can’t force it if it’s not there. (And I know, being on the opposite side of that sucks, a lot. It’s not that easy or comfortable on this side either though.)

I get the whole “things work out in their own time” and “you’ll find him when you stop looking”… but there’s something to be said with being a little proactive and putting yourself out there a bit. I’m not terribly worried or stressed or preoccupied by all this. But I do know that I’d like to go on more dates and just see what and who is out there… and what possibilities there might be.

So. Future Next Boyfriend: I mean, I want you to be in a good place when you come into my life — ’cause I’m not about fixing anyone. But, hi. Yeah. Totally ready to meet you/figure out who you are.

my brain is stuck.

You ever have those moments when all of your thoughts are bottlenecked around one? Yeah. That. So I’m hoping that maybe by writing about it, it’ll help unclog my brain tubes and I can have proper mental functioning abilities again.

So. I previously said something along the lines about how I’m not going to talk about boys or relationships online much any more… Well, part of that is because there hasn’t been much of anything to talk about. Holy hell has it been a dry spell for me. I’ve had one date this year, and yeah, just wasn’t going to happen (even if he wanted it–and by it I don’t mean a relationship). Last dude I kissed? Drunk. At a concert. Where I was thinking about making out with someone else. Only happened because we danced and he went in for it. Totally doesn’t count.

Anyway. Yeah. Dry spell.  … What the crap guys?

All I can think about is making out. My entire brain is traffic jammed around the single thought of making out. It’s been stuck like this all day, and honestly it’s been a slow clog building up over the weeks and months of non-making out times.

So, I either need to make out with someone or force my brain to be fixated on something else. Hoping that the holidays will distract me, but we’ll see. It’s a pretty nasty brain clog. Yeah. Not so awesome when you start thinking about making out with inappropriate people. Former instructor? Yep. Internet friend with a girlfriend? Oh yeah. Dude I actually like but won’t tell you about? Duh.

Insert loud frustrated dinosaur noises right here.

So. Attractive dudes. Who wants to make out?

worth the risk: things every guy should read

I’m terribly behind in my reader, and have been for more than a month. However, when I peaked in this morning, I found this awesome guest post on Ashalah‘s blog: When Love Throws Up (Or how to know he’s the right guy for you). It’s by Peter DeWolf, who I sadly have to admit that I don’t already follow (FIXED).

By number one on his list I was shouting THIS., which continued as I read through. THIS. THIS. OMG THIS. I highly recommend reading the post. Especially if you’re a boy. Because then you’d know how you’re supposed to treat us. (Which, yes, Peter actually wrote a whole post on his own blog about how to treat a woman, which men, you should also read. Now. I’ll wait.)

Then I got to number 11… it was the part written  by Peter’s own girlfriend, Ashley… “You’re never left wondering if he likes you.”  It goes hand and hand with the how to treat a woman post’s number one: “If you like a girl, LIKE the girl. Make sure she knows. Tell her that you like her. If it was me, I’d say something like, “Hey. I like you.” I’m creative like that.” For the past I have no idea how long, I’ve followed that rule. I’ve made sure the guy knew. I’ve made first moves. I’m the one who took the risk.

But you know, I’m thinking of tossing in the towel. I thought I was being clever, a strong, forward female. Maybe I was. But at the end of the day, I’m tired of throwing myself out there and not having a guy be as excited about me as I am him.

I’m trying to tell myself it’s because I need to focus on school, but I won’t always be in school. It’s more of a matter that I’m tired of being hurt. Of being rejected. Of whatever excuse a guy has for not dating me. I’m not looking for the next one to be the last one. I’m just looking for one to show an interest — keyword show. But guys, I’ve stepped up. I’ve shown the interest. It’s your turn. There’s always that risk that she might say no. But it’s the same damn risk I’ve made too. You don’t have to make grand leaps from the beginning, just show her you’re interested. Honestly, isn’t she worth it?

I’m freaking amazing, and I deserve awesome. I’m worth it. Take the risk.

Seriously. Read both of those posts. Now. You can thank Peter after I’m done thanking you.

crying in your cubical. and everything else that's going wrong. (and, oh yeah, things that are going right.. and duck butts.)

The last thing you want to do at your new job is look like the crazy girl.  But there I was, freaking out, crying and shaking and did I mention freaking out?  All in front of someone way more important than me.

To say this has been a hard week, well, honestly, my brain just can’t work out anything clever to say.  This week was completely unexpected and very challenging.  I was hoping I was free from the drama for a little bit… but apparently The Universe has some other plans for me.

I can’t go into details, but there are changes happening at my job.  It’s effecting us all.  However, I support the vision for our company and despite what is going on presently am very excited about said vision.  So basically we have to weather this storm to get to our sunny skies.

Anyway.  Of course drama and stress and the shit that hits the fan doesn’t travel alone.  So there are other things piled up on this too.  So when everything piled up, and then this morning’s bad thing happened… well, I just couldn’t handle it.  I broke.  I became that crazy emotional girl in the office.

But in all of this, I have to stay positive.  (Or as Nico put it, let it all out and start fresh.)  I’ve got to focus on the good things.  So that’s what I’m going to do…

The good things:

  • I have a mystery package.  Well, I don’t have it.  The Bartender has it.  But it’s mine.  I have a slight guess as to what it is… but the anticipation!
  • The very fact that The Bartender rode all the way to the FedEx office for me to pick up said mystery package due to the fact that I’m gone 14-15 hours every day and they do not deliver on weekends…
  • The fact that The Bartender came over for cuddles on the “uber shit hit the fan” day…
  • My kitties, though crazy, are little bundles of furry love.
  • One of my best friends got married this past weekend.  I couldn’t be happier for her.  (I plan a post covering this whole thing… below might be a preview…)
  • Said best friend (Chrizzle) married a coast guard.  Thus even more coasties at the wedding.  In their dress whites.  ….. …. yeah.*
  • I got to dance, a lot, with one of those coasties.  … … yeah.**
  • (Technically I danced with 3 coasties, but one was the groom… )
  • Due to the location of the wedding city’s lack of taxi services on weekends, I made new friends.  They were kind enough to drive me around, do blue bombs*** with me, and just generally be pretty awesome people.
  • My coworkers, boss, superiors… everyone at work… are pretty freaking amazing.
  • As I was riding home tonight, I looked out the train window just as we were passing a small lake.  There were ducks.  Just floating there.  Then one flipped…. Duck butt.  (Small things, right?)

So what’s your positive?  Big or small…

*It was decided by myself and two of my new female friends that coast guards in dress whites should be required at every wedding… or any formal event… or…
**Before I get any “but what about you and The Bartender??!?!” comments… He knew about the dancing.  We also have an understanding.  If I was using facebook’s statuses, “it’s complicated”…  Anyway.  The Coastie lives in Florida.  And who wouldn’t want to dance with an attractive guy in uniform?
***holy wow. SO MUCH SUGAR.

random update > no update

  • the potentially good thing is growing in potential.  I’m still remaining really hopeful, and very excited.
  • I met my deadline for my portfolio, and it went over well.  More updates on those such things later.
  • The Bartender and I have been talking a lot, trying to figure things out.  We’ve come to the conclusion that we both believe we are a very important part in each others’ lives, and neither of us want to lose that.  We both care for each other like crazy (a particular word was used — a first directed at me)… so this may not be long term, but it’s what we need and want right now.  There might not be terms for this, but in some form or another we’re together. ish.  (He reads this, so if he so feels, he can put in his two cents.)
  • The Bartender is going through a lot of shit right now.  I wish I could do more for him.  I wish I could make it all better.  I just want him to be happy.
  • My body is still doing unhappy things.  Even though I’m on birth control to help take care of this possible endometriosis, my body’s still trying to start its cycle regardless.  Meaning the birth control isn’t really working.  I had some really good days, no pain medicine needed.  And now that’s all gone to pot.  I’m nauseous, crampy, sore, and can’t get comfortable.  This has turned me in to a grumpy person at times.
  • My flights are booked.  From October 4-10 I will be on vacation with my family.  Boston, Maine, Montreal, and Toronto.
  • On October 3rd I’m getting a puppy fix: The Bartender gets his ex’s dog for a weekend, and I’ve arranged a play date for myself.

And the big one….

Today is my beautiful and amazing niece’s 5th birthday.
I miss and love you like crazy, G.