Well, I’m back at work… finally.

I’ve sort of skirted around this issue and have yet to really explain why I all of a sudden decided to leave for work a week and go to my dad’s house.  I wouldn’t say this is typical behavior for me, but I guess I do have to admit that when my anxiety and stress are pushed to the extreme my first reaction is to flee.  So rather than quit my job and run back to my mom’s (and central Indiana)… I said I needed a short break and would be back in February.

I don’t like admitting that I am weak in this area.  That an entry level job stressed me out to the point of needing to leave.  That I was actually crying at work, regardless of the anti-anxiety medication I’m on just so I can cope at work.  I don’t like being exposed like that.

I know that I am a capable worker, that I’m a good employee.  Yet I’m shutting down due to what are basically trivial matters.  In my job description there’s that dreadful little line “and other duties assigned or required.”  This basically give employers the permission to tack on all the other duties in a job that might weigh down a job description for a potential new hire.  The job description itself was watered down.  So now I have all of my duties, and then tacked to that is another page of additional duties that were previously unlisted.  Some of my regular duties were very time consuming, now add more?

Okay, okay.  Yes.  If you’re preforming well in a job it is normal for an employer to assign you additional duties.  But over time these shouldn’t pile up.  What happened to me?  I got overwhelmed, I stopped doing the very time consuming constant jobs (data entry, billing) to focus on things that needed to be done sooner, the ignored task built up, I freaked out (saw a doctor), I closed down, more things built up, I freaked out more, I tried catching up, but got more tasks, got really overwhelm, freaked out more, then took off a week of work.  That’s the basics of it.  I got my arse handed to me by an entry level job.

It’s my assumption that a numbers oriented person, someone who likes data, would do well here.  But my boss wanted someone with a creative background.  He chose me.  After staring at spreadsheets for weeks and weeks, I get dizzy.  Especially when I know there’s a more efficient way of doing this task.  But the problem is now, catching up.

I was supposed to come in yesterday… but every time my alarm went off my heart started racing.  I couldn’t do it.  And I feel ridiculously disappointed in myself that this job is effecting me the way it is.  I want to get into a healthy work environment.  I just don’t know that lower level office administration is where it’s at.  All I know is that I need a change.

It’s definitely been challenging for me, because I don’t want others to think that I’m weak, or crazy, or less in any way just because of this stress.

Anyway.  If you see me.  Chances are I wouldn’t mind a hug….