my truth about relationships

There’s been a lot on my mind lately… which, I guess shouldn’t come as a surprise really.  And yeah, a good deal of it has been about the male of the species…

Dealing with being attracted to someone is frustrating and hard.  Your heart, a lot of stimuli around you, and Disney may try to tell you it’s all warm feelings, singing birds, and fluffy bunnies… The truth of the matter is that it’s rather annoying to find someone attractive, the only reason we keep doing it is because your doped up neurons fill you with those happy thoughts and try to mask all the bits of reality that are coming in.  Yet, let me once again redirect you back to an older post from Mennogirl regarding the rational brain vs. the fluffy brain goo.

I’ve tried to not be attracted to someone before (actually, I’ve tried with a handful of someones), some call it “getting over” the person… But you know what, that takes a lot of effort too!  There are damn good reasons why I find that person attractive, and they haven’t gone away.  They’re still there.  Right in front of me.  Taunting me.  Which makes me want to bash them with a hammer of cynicism.  I mean, maybe you’ll get lucky, and that person you’ve been fawning over will begin showing flaws, things you’d been blinded to previously.  They’ll do things that will repulse your pink fluffy brain goo and your crush will begin to fade.  Some of us aren’t that lucky.  What we get to do is accept that we find the person attractive, and we get to accept that things just aren’t going to be the way you want them to be (in regards to this person’s relationship with you).  And well, this kind of sucks.  A douche bag I can get over, and have.  But a really nice guy, someone who’s sweet, funny, got the qualities that you want, and is in just other words swell — well, that guy is hard for me to get over.  It has happened in the past though.

It’s just hard, and frustrating, when you spend a good deal of time with this person — talking or hanging out — and you keep seeing all these great things about them, but at this point dating isn’t in the picture.  It gets harder when, even though “intentions” have been made clear (i.e. not going to date), but there’s still that flirting and the sexual tension, or even just blatant sexual desire between the two people and you mix that in with the friendship that’s there already… Well, then things are not only hard and frustrating, but they become complicated.  Those feelings and actions are toeing the line of a relationship.  It’ll cause some issues.  I mean, I’ve dealt with this situation before.  If you can have that, and it’s mutually agreed that it will remain platonic, then go for it if it’s what you want.  Otherwise, someone’s going to want more.  And they’re going to keep continuing with the more physical side of it, holding on to some hope that maybe the other person might be interested in them.  That they might want more too.  Not to mention, if you’re flirting or casually speaking to/seeing other people — again, it’ll probably hurt the other, even if you’re up front about it.  When talking with a couple guy friends about open relationships, I stated that I couldn’t do it.  It’s not in my nature.  I don’t want to share.  I don’t like to share — at least, not the people I want to be intimate with.  No sir.  I give you exclusive rights and I want you to do the same.

xkcd - boyfriend
xkcd - boyfriend

Getting back into dating has been a challenge these few years. I’ve had a handful of dates, met some really interesting and sometimes awesome people (as well as some not so awesome people, and of course, some douche bags too), but nothing has really come from any of it, relationshipwise.  I’ve made some new friends, and I’m grateful.  But my relationship status hasn’t changed (though I just made it disappear from facebook).

While I am indeed okay with being single, honestly, it’s these near misses in relationships that sting the worse.  When you find someone who you enjoy, you get a long with, who has qualities that you admire and want in someone else, and well is phsycially pleasing too (in which ever way you want to interpret that)… but it just doesn’t work… Those ones hurt.  And are hard to work past.