of friends and crushes…

“Well we need to back off at least.”

My stomach sank deep when I received that text the other day.  It was from the swell guy, the one who I’ve been infatuated with lately… It wasn’t because the reality that he and I weren’t going to date that this message hit so hard.  I have been getting used to that fact for two weeks now — though I will admit to holding on to some small hope (I’m a hopeless romantic, cynically quixotic for the rest of my life)…  No, when I read that message my first thought was that I was going to begin losing contact with him.

We’ve been chatting almost every day for not quite three weeks now.  Or something near there, I haven’t really been keeping track.  Honest.  Regardless, I have really been enjoying our talks.  I look forward to them.  So when he said we should back off — no doubts to quell my attraction to him — I immediately thought those chats were going to end.  That I wouldn’t hear from my new friend anymore.

Yes, I’m attracted to him.  We’ve gotten along well so far, and I was hoping to see that continue.  But I am not so desperate for a relationship, for a boyfriend, that I’d make that my only focus.  What I really value in relationships is the close companionship that comes with them.  I think I’ve mentioned a few times before about having a best friend that I can make out with… exclusively.  “Let’s just be friends” isn’t some terrible second choice fate.  Yeah, it sucks but I wouldn’t consider it a true rejection.  Being friends means that they still value you, there are just other factors and conditions which inhibit a dating relationship to form.  Now, sometimes those factors and conditions can change.  Generally speaking, though, they don’t.  But if you can’t be satisfied with friendship, then what did you truly want out of the relationship in the first place?

“I agree.  But I still want to keep talking” was my reply.  I had become slightly concerned that maybe he was only interested in our late night texting… That I was some sort of long-distance booty call.  I’m definitely embarrassed by my lack of faith and trust in him.  That he wasn’t actually interested in our friendship.  I’m hoping he reads this, and knows that I’m sorry about that.  Just like I’m hoping he knows that regardless of whatever attraction I have to him, I do value and appreciate our budding friendship.  I don’t want to see that go away just because of my infatuation.

I hope so.  I truly do.