falling apart. slowly.

I can’t tell if it’s the disrupted sleep, the holiday shoppers, the constantly on my feet thing, the pain in my back and neck and arms and ankles, the cold that finally hit that’s leaving me mildly stuffed up, or….  … all of the above.  But I’m falling apart.

It’s not an overwhelming breakdown.  It’s just that pieces of me keep getting worn off, knocked off, hacked off… and there’s just less and less of me able to deal with everything else.

Last year at this time I was a wreck.  I was depressed to the point I was seeing a professional and dreading every weekday morning.  I was one step shy of taking another pill to just make sure I could handle the day-to-day.  Small things would make me cry.

Yesterday I almost cried at work.  I had made a mistake, embarrassed myself, and subsequently wanted to crawl into small cave and just hide for a while.  I was able to keep myself together for the moment, but I’m afraid that before this holiday season is over (there’s four days including today) I will indeed cry at work.  Which isn’t the end of the world…

I’m trying hard to prove myself there.  I’m the new girl, lowest on the totem pole.  I want to show that I’m a great worker, that yes I really do enjoy this job.  That I can hopefully prove myself valuable enough that maybe I could get a raise.  But I am afraid that maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself.

Add in some financial stress and just being physically exhausted and sore…. and I still have to navigate the trains to get back to Indiana on Christmas Eve.  I’m just trying to hold it together until I can get to my folks’.

How are you doing this holiday season?