committing to me.

Too many times I say “I’m going to… exercise/do yoga/eat healthier/get this degree/write a novel/finish my website/blah blah blah”… and of course, I never follow through. Not past a few weeks, at least. It’s as though I’m a constant work in process–which, yes, you can argue all of life is a work in progress, but still.

If you’re a creative, I’m sure you’ve heard this already, but there’s an amazing quote by Ira Glass… Basically the gist of it is that for the first few to well, serveral years of any creative’s career, there’s this gap between what you are creating and what you want to create. Most people quit. But if you push through, that gap shrinks and you begin to come into your own. The thing is, you just have to get through it. You have to create a lot of crap.

I have a hard time with that. I’m impatient. I want instant gratification.* It’s why I haven’t picked up a new instrument–or why I gave up some of the ones I have like my guitar, bass guitar, piano… even clarinet and sax. I gave up on yoga because I was frustrated with it. And healthy foods? Totally more expensive than my frozen & fried favorites. But I’m tired of getting distracted or bored. I’m tired of giving up.

Taking this break from school felt like I was being forced to give up. I can’t afford school, options were running out. So for at least the next three months, no school. I cannot quit on creating. And I’m not going to quit on this journey to becoming a better person. So in these three months, I need to create a plan and stick with it. And since I know myself, I need to be held accountable for it.

No way in hell will I allow myself to stop making things. I need to keep drawing. I want to start writing again (thank goodness NaNoWriMo is starting up again).  I want to keep myself busy with projects, but not just creating shit just to be creating. I want to work on projects I love–and to be okay if the result is shit.

I need to get myself back in a Meeting. I can’t keep quibbling over whether I’m going to move to a new neighborhood or not. I need to just set my alarm, get on the bus, and go.

I’ve enjoyed a relaxed lifestyle for a while. I don’t want to be some athletic queen or anything. I see no marathons in my future. I just want to be in better shape. Yes, I’m already fairly comfortable in my bikini–and as much as I love asking the boys to help me with the merch bins… I’d like to be able to just be more fit. Hell, just be fit in general. So I’m considering various things. Couch to 5K. Yoga. Boxing classes. Not sure what I’ll end up with, but I do have a walking date with my friend Lindsay next week. That’s a start.

Again, not going for losing weight. Just want to feel healthier. So I’m repeating one of the rules for tour: fast food is poison. On the way home from tour, I didn’t buy a damn snack or meal on the road unless we stopped for a group meal at a restaurant (like Black Bear or that awesome barbecue place). Honestly, it was to save money. But I didn’t need that crap. I won’t be completely giving up junk foods, but I’m going to make things like pizza, french fries, and chicken nuggets less of my diet. I want to start actually cooking for myself again.

As I mentioned in the last post, I’m trying to purposefully disconnect. I want to focus more of my life into relationships and experiences. I don’t want to look back and have my memories be defined  by a series of tweets or my facebook timeline. (No matter how spiffy the new facebook timeline actually is.)

Like I’ve said before, this break from school is an opportunity for me. I just need to sieze it and define what it will mean to me. I have no intentions on starting some strict regime or anything. I just want to be and feel better, and have fun doing it. I already enjoy life pretty well, I just want to enjoy it more.

*I actually could speak a lot on this and how technology sort of messed us and our work ethic up in this whole need for instant gratification thing. But well, it’s just another hurdle to get through.