being alone means…

I felt like crap today. More endo problems. Nothing like waking up and feeling like your insides are tearing.

As I lay on the couch, trying not to move, it hit me… There’s no one here to help take care of me. If I need my heating pad reheated in the microwave, I’ve got to get up and do it. Hungry? I’ve got to get up and make it. Earlier I was craving potato chips like crazy, now it’s ice cream, and the only way I’m going to get it is if I get dressed and go out to the store myself. If I need to go to the ER yet again, it’s just me.

The cats do pretty well with comforting me when I’m sick or feeling lonely… But well, this was not a day for cats to be all over my stomach.

I don’t want it to seem like I’m overly needy or anything, but sometimes it’s nice to have someone to take care of you. Or at least someone who’ll come stick it out with you. Just someone to run their fingers through your hair as you use their lap as a pillow. Or someone to gently rub your back. Someone to make you laugh even though it hurts. Just someone to remind you that you’re cared for. (Or just someone who’ll run out and get you potato chips and ice cream.)

Luckily today wasn’t too bad. It was painful, but I’ve unfortunately had worse pain–and expect there’ll probably still be worse pain to come. I’ll be honest and say I sometimes wonder if I’ll be tough enough to handle going through surgery alone. (But first I gotta get a job with insurance before that can even become a reality–who knows when that’ll be.)

There are just some days that living on your own, being single, and not having any friends living close by or available to stop by just all hits hard.