the sun burning in your gut

That quote pretty much rings true with many things. Hell, even Bukowski said “unless the sun inside you is burning your gut, don’t do it.”

I’ve felt a lot of that gut burning lately. I felt it when I started Seasons Geekings. It was there the past few days… and now I have a new title, a promotion at my job. And it’s been around for a good while regarding something, and I’ll be honest, some one else.

It’s extremely exciting, and I’m beyond happy… When I think of not having this in my life, I become physically ill. I do not know what’s happening to me. I don’t necessarily want to lose this, but I don’t know how long I keep going with this whole “near exploding” thing. I just know there’s something inside me telling me it’s a good thing. Granted, I feel like I’m going crazy, so I don’t know how far I want to trust that something inside me.

The feeling only grows stronger–which on one side does mean that happiness just gets more and more awesome. However, it also becomes harder and harder. You know what you want, but this isn’t just in your control. And there still is that chance that you could lose it all. All you can do is just try to hold it together and hope the timing works out, right? To try not to slowly go crazy.

I’ve not known what to say. I know I’ve gotten excited about many things in the past, but this feeling that I’m either going to explode or vomit or both is unique. Part of me has wanted to savor it all, keep it all to myself and soak in every last bit of it. Part of me wants to hide it because of the pain and inevitable hurt that can come from all of this.

It’s been hard, not knowing what is happening or how this will turn out… but being tremendously happy throughout all of it. Despite the uncertainty of it all, there is something in that exploding, nauseating feeling that is just right–that tells you this is right, exactly how it’s supposed to be… As long as you can survive it.