I broke down.

This new year has been exhausting so far. I don’t think I’ve gotten a good night’s sleep at all this week–well, I’ve had some super amazing/interesting dreams.* But there’s just been a lot going on so far. A lot to organize, and just a lot on my mind lately.

Last night I just broke down.

It was not my strongest, nor proudest moment. I realize everyone has their bad days, but this was Rini at 20 shades of overwhelmed. Last night was sort of one thing in particular that set it off, but it was built off the foundation of a handful of small stresses.

I’ve deleted about 20 paragraphs already. I don’t know how to talk about it. No one wants to admit that they’re weak or broken. When you open yourself up, you become vulnerable. It’s scary. It makes you feel more alone than anything else. But last night I was broken. It was rough. But last night doesn’t make me less of a person, as hard as it can be to believe at those times.

It’s going to take a while to work out what upset me so much last night. I will probably have more rough moments. But that’s just how it is. It sucks. I hate crying so hard I can’t breathe, feeling like you’re drowning. My chest still gets tight thinking about everything. Especially how low it hit last night. Last night I broke down. I’m not okay with it. But it happened.

*Not those kinds of dreams. But seriously, lucid dreaming like whoa. Sometimes like woe.