an open letter to my friends:

I feel like I am a terrible friend. Especially as of late. I should probably be sending this as a personalized letter to each and every one of you, but instead I’m making it completely public.

I have a hard time feeling close to people. Which, is odd, given how open I generally am with everything going on with my life. I feel like I have a lot of friends. A lot of really good friends. And these friends are amazing people. But at some point I close off, and hide away. I never really allow myself to get to that “best friends” point. I plateau, and eventually have a hard time being that friend you call up to hang out with on a regular basis.

I have a hard time acknowledging it. An even harder time knowing how to deal with it. I want to be that person you call just for the hell of it. I want to be the friend you think of first when you want to hang out. Because these are things I think about a lot. Situations pop up and this is when I’d call someone to talk about it, but I go blank and stiff and push the idea out of my head.

I’m afraid of letting people see the real me. The person who’s creative, and weird, and not always okay, but genuinely generally really happy, and caring, and did I mention a little weird… I hate that past scars are keeping me from fully developing meaningful friendships and relationships. I turn inward into my emotions and bury myself so deep into this strange world that is my mind, and I hide from everyone. I’m afraid of not being seen as normal, or functioning. I process things different, see things differently–and as much as I try to tell myself these are good things, these things make me who I am–I see myself as flawed and broken, and alone.

It’s as if my friendships have shelf-lives, destine to expire. But as I gotten to know you, this group of friends, I’m terrified by this. Even though I close myself off, I don’t reach out, and honestly, am not always sure how to be a good friend–I see some of you as my family. You’re people I’ve come to care too much about, people I want to invest in. And I’m terrified that by closing myself off, that by not knowing how to be there for you and how to be a good friend for you, that I will ultimately lose you.

My natural reaction is to just keep going deeper and deeper into myself, to continue closing myself off. But I can’t. I want to be there for you. I want to call and say “let’s hang out”. I want to have amazing memories of adventures, of running around the city, of just hanging out and watching movies. I want to be that friend that comes over just to watch a movie! The one you call because you’re bored and just want to chat, even if I’m more awkward than not about phone calls.

So I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being such a terrible friend. I’m sorry for running away, for hiding alone with my cats. I’m sorry I’m not more.

I truly do care for you. And I want to try.