waiting game

Last week I went to my doctor to discuss my endo. The original plan was for me to continue on my medication and wait 6 months for the next ultrasound to see if anything had changed.

I know from my original scans back in 2010 compared to the ones I had in March the cyst on my ovary hadn’t really changed size. This could mean a lot of things, one of which meaning that my medication is working in preventing growth. And at my follow up ultrasound, I’m pretty sure we’d find it’s still there and still hasn’t really changed.

It hasn’t changed. It’s been three years since we discovered it, and it really hasn’t changed. Three years. At least.

It’s really worn on me. As you can see from some of the posts, my depression is coming back. Only in little waves. I’m only ankle deep. Mostly. But in these three years that we’ve known what’s going on, I’m just exhausted. I try to keep a happy face. And I’d like to think I’m pretty successful at this. But lately that’s not been the case.

I’ve just lost my energy to try to keep on this impression that I’m doing all right. And it’s hard, because I feel like my tolerance has gone up and overall I am happy and ok. But I’m also not happy and not ok. I’m just tired. And mostly I’m ready to not have to deal with this.

So right now, I’m waiting for my doctor’s scheduling assistant to get back with me and we’re going to move forward with my surgery. My goal is to get it done and be mostly recovered before I travel in late June. This means surgery is happening in the next couple of weeks. Like really next week would be ideal.

It’s just one waiting game after another with this disease. Wait to see if the medication is working. Wait to schedule the surgery. Wait to see what’s actually going on inside me. Wait to get the actual diagnosis. Wait to see what treatment we should do moving forward. Wait to see what the longterm effects of this disease is. Guys? I’m through waiting.

I’ve struggled with feeling authentic lately. It could really be its own blog post, and probably will be once I figure out the words. But this is me. I’m dealing with some sort of medical condition, presumably an incurable disease. And that’s just part of who I am and I’ve got to accept that as an authentic part of who I am.