coming to terms

My body is adjusting. I’ve been trying to stay positive about it. But frankly, I’m uncomfortable. And denying myself how I truly feel won’t do any good.

It’s been just over a month since I switched medications for my endometriosis, and just shy of 4 months since my surgery. I guess I was hoping that suddenly everything would just be better and I would just feel healed. My doctor told me that the amount of endometriosis she found inside me was a lot less than she was expecting. That there was a chance that this could be one-and-done and I could feel normal again. That this could all be over.

But, as it seems, that is not the case.

Some of my bloating has come back. And, unfortunately, so has the pain. I have two theories about it. Either it’s because all of my old medicine is finally completely out of my system and my body is solely relying on my new medication and it’s just adjusting. Or it’s something I’m eating.

The easiest thing to do would be just to do a 2-week detox of sorts and completely remove all traces of dairy, soy, chocolate, and processed sugars to see how I’m doing. Slowly reintroducing them one at a time so I can find out the culprit. But… I just don’t want to.

I’m tired. I feel like my body is betraying me. And with the pain and the bloating came back all the insecurities I had tried to overcome months ago. The fears of being alone, the low self-esteem and bad body image, feeling weak… But it also comes with acceptance.

For the first time in what seems like a lifetime since getting sick, I started feeling beautiful again. I’d forgotten what that warmth, what that spark feels like. I never want to forget that. No matter what comes, how terrible I feel, whether it’s this disease or something entirely new… I never want to forget that.