waiting for the sun to shine again

I realize that my posts so far this year have not been filled with joy or optimism. Things have definitely been hard so far this year. Basically since just after Christmas.

I’d like to report that things have turned around and I can finally start to focus on me and getting my life back on track to work towards my goals. And thanks to a pep talk from my beautiful cousin, I am giving more thought to my goals… But… I’m not out of the deep yet.

So in December, congress cut federal long-term unemployment. Which means after Christmas I only had 1 week of state benefits left. But even those I couldn’t get right away because I checked the box that I moved — which, yes, I moved. But the IDES website wouldn’t update my address no mater how many times I entered it and clicked “save”. And trying to get ahold of an agent on the phone is akin to playing the lottery. Fast-forward to yesterday, and we worked it out.

I still had some hope that maybe, maybe, I might get all 4 weeks that I certified for… but nope. Just the one. So now that I had just moved to this new apartment, had to borrow money to pay for Kelowna movers and also to pay my cell phone bill… I don’t have money for rent.

It sucks completely. I’m trying to find a job. I didn’t expect to be in this position. And it feels like it’s all out of my control. (I mean, yes, if I could, I would walk up to every congressmen who voted down the measures to reinstate it and ask them how they’re ok with people like myself and those who have families dependent on these benefits to lose their homes or ability to feed themselves.) ANYWAY.

I just wish I had a few more weeks before rent was due. I (supposedly) have a try out, paid, for a line cook position at a burger place. Is it the job I really want? No. But it was the first interview I got. So I’m going to go with it regardless because I need money.

I hate admitting these things. Feeling like a failure. I mean, I can hear the voices of particular people who said they were friends but really just waiting for others to fail… You know those people. I also have found myself getting really snarky towards any sort of life-coachy “you can do anything/xyz is not an excuse/nothing should stop you from your goals” messages that keep popping up. No one likes admitting that can’t take care of themselves. My family’s already dropped a lot of money to get me out of tough situations, and have even helped me out this month for other things.

So why am I being open about this? Because it’s the truth of where my life is right now. While I’m not sunk into a complete depression, things are a struggle right now. I have long term plans I want to be so excited about, but I can’t look past this tar pit I seem to be stuck in. I’m just ready to be on my feet again, and hope that day comes soon.